Witsend Here

“A Day Without a Politician” Overshadows “A Day Without an Immigrant”

2006-05-01T23:46:00.000-04:00

SP - A day that was supposed to be heralded as one of the biggest boycotts in history took an interesting, some say surreal, turn of events when all of the politicians simply disappeared. Not only did Mexican immigrants hold true to their word by boycotting the purchase of products and staying home from work en masse, but all the politicians disappeared from the political landscape as well. “It was unreal. Capital Hill was deserted,” said Tony Carter, a substitute valet at Capital Hill, who was filling in for Reuben Gonzales. “I was hoping to make bank on tips, but the parking garage stayed empty all day long. And I know damn well that most of them Congressmen ain’t Mexican.”

Some observers likened the streets of Washington, D.C., to that of a ghost town with the obligatory tumbleweed blowing across the street. “I felt like I was trapped on the movie set of ‘Westworld,’” said longtime resident Kathryn Beauchamps. “I was convinced Yul Brynner’s malfunctioning, robotic gunslinger character was going to step onto the scene any moment, blow his final head gasket, and declare war on the world. I’ve seen stranger things happen in D.C. lately. It’s getting harder to draw a fine line between science fiction and reality these days.”

Politicians outside of the D.C. area were not immune to the mass disappearance. News reports all over the country reported empty state houses, abandoned county seats, and frenzied lobbyists running around like beheaded Chicken Littles, spouting “the sky if falling."

Here are some other developments that trickled in over the SP wire:

-Fox News was reportedly unaffected by the disappearance of the politicians. “We had to shuffle around some of our live interview segments,” said spokesman Andrew Billingsworth. “The politicians’ disappearance actually provided us with more material. Since we pride ourselves on being connoisseurs of the speculation business, we had plenty to speculate about.”

-Paradoxically, by not passing any new legislation, Congress was actually more efficient and effective.

Helping celebrate "A Day Without a Politician," Bob Mould unplugs D.C. before leading the enthusiastic crowd in "We Shall Overcome."

-The money not spent by incumbent politicians in their reelection bids nearly quadrupled the money not spent by the Mexican immigrant boycott. “The Mexican population’s attempt to make a political statement about their economic viability was undermined by the politician’s disappearance,” said Ernest Gaines, Professor of Macroeconomics at Witsend University. “My calculations indicate our country would be better off without politicians than without Mexican immigrant workers. If politicians were to stay gone for 73 more days, our budget deficit would balance itself. Quite frankly, this puts a whole new spin on the debate of who should and shouldn’t be deported.”

-No new wars, military police actions, covert military coups, foreign occupations, illegal wiretappings, political finance scandals, or threats from psychotic foreign dictators were reported.

-Armed with semi-automatic assault rifles and pepper spray, a group calling themselves The D.C. Libertarian Front has surrounded the city, sealing it off to any politicians who attempt to return. The group is also considering amassing a reinforced steel fence, topped with constantina wire, around the entire city of D.C. as a means of keeping opportunistic politicians from returning to their lairs.

Protestors Fear Illegal Immigrants Will Steal Their Jobs

2006-04-26T16:34:00.000-04:00

From Witsend Daily – As the hot-button issue, immigration reform, reaches a boiling point atop Corporate Hill’s backburner, Mexican immigrants (legal and illegal) have boiled over into the streets. The recent mass mobilization and impending work/product boycott on May 1st by Mexican immigrants and their sympathizers has spurned a ripple effect in the traditional protestor community. “Our days of forwarding online petitions and conducting virtual marches from the comfort of our homes are numbered,” said longtime Witsend protestor, Ed McPherson. “If we don’t watch out, the immigrants will steal our jobs from right underneath our virtual banners.” (see picture left)

The United States hasn’t seen a protest effort of this magnitude since protests against the Iraq War in European countries were aired on BBC news affiliates. “Watching the Mexican immigrants protesting and marching in the streets left my soul galvanized,” said Julie Adams, coordinator for T.R.W.B.B. (This Revolution Will be Broadbanded). “Half of me was proud to see the protestors taking a page right out of our history, while the other half feared my livelihood as an active protestor was in jeopardy.”

Fearing the Mexican immigrants will eventually steal their jobs, local protestors and activists in Witsend have begun mobilizing on the Internet and have organized a virtual counter-protest on the 1st of May. “We plan on taking our message to the Information Super Highway, and if this doesn’t wake people up, we may take to the actual streets,” said Adams. “If this means every twenty-something protestor is going to have to sacrifice spending a day in the basement apartment of his parents’ house, then damn it, that’s what has to be done. We have no other choice. Our backs are up against the firewall.”

Proponents of the Mexican immigrant protests movement contest the traditional protestors are over-exaggerating the effects of the recent mobilization. “Mexican immigrant protestors aren’t a threat to pre-existing legal protestors. They’re only doing what nobody else wants to do,” said Liam McHenry, spokesman for the Muckraker Border Crossing Security Department (a subdivision of Homeland Security). “Mexico is saturated with protestors. There’s nothing left to protest, so protestors have come to the United States in search of new opportunities to voice their dissent.”

MBCSD Agent Wolfgang O'Donnelly scans South Padre beaches for illegal immigrant protestors.

Sympathizers of Mexican immigrant protestors further contend that traditional protestors had numerous opportunities for dissent. “Where were they when the 2000 election was hijacked? Where were they when the Patriot Act sailed through Congress? Where were they when the war in Iraq was declared? Where were they when the president broke the law with illegal wire tapping?” said Maria Mendoza, an activist for immigrants’ rights. Alluding to a Robert Frost poem, Mendoza contends: “They had plenty of chances to take the road less traveled since 9/11, but they chose to take the Information Super Highway. And that has made all the difference.”

In an attempt to pacify illegal immigrant dissent, members of Congress are working on a “Guest Protestor” bill that would allow protestors from Mexico to come in during any hot-button issue and protest in the streets until the American public loses interest in the issue (roughly 2-3 business days*). Ironically, the “Guest Protestor” bill has only managed to stoke the illegal immigrant protestors’ fire, and unless the firewall comes crashing down, traditional protestors may end up becoming mere parodies of themselves: nostalgic remnants of the past.

*Gauged by Witsend Think Tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, the estimate has a 5-10% confidence interval and is co-dependent on what celebrities are in the press at the time.

Talk to the Invisible Hand

2006-04-20T19:59:00.000-04:00

Invisible Hand addresses readers’ questions and concerns about economics and what really happens behind the free market walls. Invisible Hand is the son of Adam Smith and played an integral role in capitalism’s free market system until he became gainfully unemployed in 1986 – a direct result of trickle-down economics.

Dear Invisible Hand:

I've heard it said that a rising tide lifts all boats. Well, there ain't a whole lot of boats rising in my neighborhood, that's for sure. I saw on T.V. just the other day that 5.4 million more people have entered poverty since 2000. You sure can tell it around here. But the president says our economy is strong. Maybe the truth is, this particular tide is lifting only the yachts. What do you think?

Bitterly yours,
Sinking in New Orleans

Dear Sinking:

Declare war on Malibu! You’re correct, the tide is not only lifting yachts, but it’s been reported that some yachts have actually transcended the water in the Malibu Beach area. It’s up to you and your dispossessed peeps to trek across the country in a Joad-like caravan, invade Malibu, and commandeer the floating yachts back to the Gulf Coast. This will not only prompt the Federal government to take quick and decisive action (nobody messes with Malibu), but you can turn the yachts into gambling boats, and everyone knows gambling fixes every economic woe.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
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Dear Invisible Hand:

My husband and I work for a small business which, due to the exponential increases in health care, was forced to take away our health benefit package. We can no longer afford to work for this business, but we’re afraid to quit our jobs until we find new ones. Do you know a place we could work that will guarantee us health benefits?

Sincerely,
Will Work for Health Care

Dear Will:

Cuba.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
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Dear Mr. Hand:

I was all for the Bush tax cuts. I believed the president when he said that if people get to keep more of their own money, especially rich people, they'd invest it and create more jobs. From where I sit, though, it looks like those folks are creating more jobs in Bangladesh than here in Batesville. My husband worked at the local casket factory for over 30 years, and we thought we were doing pretty good. Nothing's for sure but death and taxes, right? (Or so we thought.) Out of the blue, the company just folded up shop and moved the whole operation to Asia—and Howard just two years away from retirement. The personnel lady said maybe the laid off workers could get retrained to do something else, like plumbing. I'll be the first to admit that a lot needs flushing around here, but how many plumbers does she think Batesville needs? Besides, by the time Harold gets through community college, he'll be 65 and lucky to get a job greeting plumbers at Wal-Mart.

What are we going to do? Since you are so smart, I thought you might have some ideas.

Yours truly,
Hopeless Housewife

Dear Hopeless:

The President did create more jobs, just not in the United States. I suggest you take your husband’s severance pay and put it all in one casket: invest all of it in the outsourced casket company. Imagine the new profit margin after the caskets go from a 1000% markup when manufactured in the U.S. to the 10,000% markup when manufactured overseas with sweatshop labor. Buy low before it’s too late.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
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Dear Señor Invisible:

We were so happy in Mexico about the NAFTA! Things weren't going so good for me on my leetle farm, you know? Your American farm subsidies were driving me out of business. But when the NAFTA come, so many American factories opened on the border, si? So me and my esposa, we sell the farm and move to Tijuana to seek our fortune making shirts! This work was not so good as we thought, and we missed our friends and family, but it was work, eh? Then, the Chinese say they make the shirts for less money, so the factories go to China! Me and Maria, we no longer have bad job making shirts, no longer have farm, no longer have nothing!

So I write to you, Señor, to ask a favor. I think that if I am fast, I can make it past the fat Minute Mens at the border, and I come to your house and you give me job. Si?

Your amigo,
José

Dear Jose:

If you were to make it to Witsend alive, I’m afraid I have nothing to offer. Thanks to Reaganomics, I’ve been gainfully unemployed since 1986. I don’t think working for the unemployed would be too lucrative for you and your wife. Although, if you’re willing to wait another 21 months, I know somebody in Crawford, Texas, who will be unemployed and who will need somebody who possesses a firmer grasp of the English language, such as yourself, to ghost write his autobiography.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
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To test the free-market system and Invisible Hand’s expertise, please send your questions and/or scenarios to witsend_daily@yahoo.com.

Breaking War News: The Second Coming of L. Ron Hubbard

2006-04-18T23:23:00.000-04:00

From Witsend Here – The long-anticipated birth of TomKat and L. Ron Hubbard’s love child ended when their kitten, Suri, arrived on Tuesday. The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning “princess”, or in Persian, meaning “red rose.” Despite Scientologists claim that its members have reached a higher realm of truth than its earthly counterparts, it has yet to develop its own language.

Witsend Here Intelligence has picked up some bits of chatter from the Cruise Compound, but has yet to confirm whether or not the birthing tenets of the Church of Scientology were honored. The tenets demand that the mother remain completely calm, silent and drug free during the delivery. Intelligence did reveal some garbled baby screams, but after further analysis, the screams matched its alleged father’s voice patterns - which were previously recorded on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” when Cruise hopped up and down on Oprah’s couch like a born-again Thetan* and professed his love for Katie.

Tom Cruise reenacts Thetan mating ritual for Oprah, the same ritual used to ensnare Katie. Sources confirm this did not have the same effect on Oprah, and Oprah had ordered the couch to be torched after the shooting of the episode.

Witsend Intelligence is still gathering information as to whether or not Tom Cruise ate the placenta. Cruise had previously announced during an interview with “GQ Magazine”: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." Although he claimed he was only kidding, Intelligence has confirmed that Cruise is worried about L. Ron's reappearance, and eating the placenta will reduce Hubbard's Thetanic resurrection.

Despite her 7 pound 7 ounce stature, Suri, the Savior of Scientology, has inherited the heavy burdens of having Tom Crusie as her alleged father, a lifetime Scientolgy membership, and an integral role in the perpetual “War on Scientology.”

*Thetan: an immortal being in Scientology that has been reborn again and again and has lived trillions of years. Synonyms: Kenny (“South Park”), Jason (“Friday the 13th”), the Band of Bush Brothers, and Wyle E. Coyote.

"War on Scientology" Declares War on "War on Easter"

2006-04-18T08:42:00.000-04:00

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

On April 11th of 2006, war was declared on Easter by Beyond Belief Media which launched a preemptive strike, dubbed “Operation Easter Sanity.” It’s obvious to my comrades in Witsend, D.C. (Dot Connectors) that this declared “War on Easter” is indeed a byproduct of the war propaganda machine – churned out by the Scientologists as a ploy to distract people from the only true war: the War on Scientology.

Similar to the early chapters of the Bible wherein there was a lot of begatin’ to be gotten, it appears the current trend of war declarations is making its rounds in the world. No sooner are two wars innocently k-i-s-s-i-n-g-ing in the tree, before another war arrives in the baby carriage. While Official Wars, along with their Baby Boomer brethren, brace for retirement (since an official war hasn’t been declared in the United States since WW II), it appears that Official Wars are destined to submit to their twilight years, when the real battle begins: choosing the right Medicare plan.

By proxy, Witsend is not immune to the current war declaration frenzy. Yes, Big Chief, I am an active member in the “War On Scientology” (check the tapes if you doubt me), and in response to Beyond Belief Media’s declaration and initial assault, it’s imperative that the “War on Scientology” recapture the spotlight and expose the “War on Easter” for what it truly is: an elaborate smokescreen. To clear the smoke and help people draw a clear distinction between the two wars, I’ve drawn up the following comparisons which highlight the differences between the two wars and their intended targets:

Easter: Byproduct of Christianity
Scientology: Byproduct of Science Fiction

Easter: Celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ
Scientology: Celebrates the perpetual resurrection of L. Ron Hubbard (who is currently occupying Tom Cruise’s pod)

Easter: Recognized and celebrated by several church denominations
Scientology: Recognized and honored by a few monetary denominations, special preference given to the Ben Franklins

Merchandizing
Easter: Peter Cottontail
Scientology: Tom Cruise bobble-head doll

Film Propaganda
War on Easter: “The God Who Wasn’t There” – No. #1 best seller on Amazon.com’s independent documentaries list. The film is critical of the irrational beliefs of Christians and asserts that Jesus does not exist.
(see link in Creative Outpost for details/reviews)

War on Scientology: “Mission : Impossible II” – a subversive, yet allegorical film about IMF agent Ethan Hunt, who has been sent on a mission to retrieve and destroy the supply of a genetically created disease called “Chimera” (code for Christianity). But first, Agent Hunt must find “Bellerophon” (code for Scientology) which is a cure for “Chimera.” (I’ll let you connect the dots, dear reader.).

Preemptive Strike
War on Easter: “Operation Easter Sanity” – Armed with 666 DVDs of the documentary film, “The God Who Wasn’t There,” Easter insurgents, Beyond Belief Media, is covertly planning the film in churches throughout the United States.
War on Scientology: “Operation Enduring Tom Cruise” – plans to boycott Cruise’s new film, “Mission : Impossible III,” has been called forth by the Satirists.

When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…
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Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

March Madness: Witsend Here’s Index for March 2006

2006-04-11T09:39:00.000-04:00

Estimated number of U.S. workers who are college basketball fans: 58.5 million.

Estimated number of U.S. workers who think their boss should be outsourced to Tralfamadore*: 62.3 million.**

Average number of minutes employees spend on college basketball websites during March Madness: 13.5.

Estimated amount of productivity employers nationwide lost during March Madness: $3.8 billion.

Average number of minutes (per day) employees spend making fun of their bosses on the Web: 8.5.

Amount of productivity employers nationwide lost due to employees making fun of their bosses during the March Madness cycle: $66.4 billion.

Percentage of college students who told their parents they were going to help out with the Katrina aftermath during spring break: 13.

Percentage of these students who were found innebriated and washed up on a beach in South Padre, Texas: 19.

Percentage of these students who exposed themsleves to a “Girls Gone Wild” camera crew in Padre: 3.

Number of dumbfounded fathers who saw their daughters bare all while watching an Internet feed of “South Padre: Girls Gone Wild”: 1,365.

Percentage of these fathers who revealed this information to their wives: 0.

Number of times T.M. Lindsey satirized President Bush during Lent (before the Lenten sacrifice was sacrificed): 0.

Number of satiric punches T.M. Lindsey pulled during sacrificial period: 31,204.

Costs of the War in Iraq billed to U.S. taxpayers: $272,374,900,000.
(see running total on sidebar)

Costs of the War on Scientology billed to U.S. taxpayers: $000,000,000,000.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's girlfriend, Katie Holmes, is having L. Ron Hubbard's love-child: 53.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's is holding Katie Holmes against her will: 68.

Percentage of Amercians who support the War on Scientology: 88.

Amount of money it takes to get your foot in the Scientology door and take your first step across The Bridge of Total Freedom: $4000.

The 2006 HHS federal guidelines for poverty cut off for a person in a single household: $9,800.

Amount of money it takes to get your picture taken with President Bush at a Republican candidate fundraiser: $10,000.

*Planet named after inhabitants, of same name, who abducted Billy Pilgrim in Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five."

**This estimate includes undocumented workers who think Tralfamdore is an idyllic retirement community where retired C.E.O.s, donning golden parachutes procured through the exploitation of labor, fall from the sky.
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This is Witsned Here’s Index for March 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of http://witsendhere.blogspot.com/, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.

News from the War Front: Tom Cruise Denies Katie Holmes is Pregnant with L. Ron Hubbard’s Love Child

2006-04-05T23:41:00.000-04:00

From Witsend Daily – Tom Cruise vehemently denied a report released by the non-partisan War on Scientology Commission which disclosed a number of authenticated artifacts that reveal Katie Holmes is carrying the love child of the late Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Tom Cruise quickly refuted the report, claiming it was a complete fabrication: “The report is sheer propaganda. It obviously grew out of the Satirists’ camp as a means of trying to undermine the Scientology war effort.” When asked to reveal his sources for this accusation, Cruise grew visibly angry and retorted, “I’m an Operating Thetan VII for Hubbard’s sake. The truth will always be revealed to me through Scientology. I am a conduit for the truth. I am the truth!”

The truth will reveal itself any day now. Katie’s safely tucked away from the war front, housed in an undisclosed Scientology cell. Meanwhile the alleged father is off promoting his new movie and, rest assured, comforting Katie from thousands of miles away. Members within the Scientology community have been debating whether or not Holmes will abide by the Scientology rules while giving birth. Scientologists have gathered outside Cruise and Holmes’s home with six-foot tall birthing boards, reminding Katie to remain quiet and drug free during the delivery. One sign read “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.” (Note this was the very same sign Scientologists used on the set of “Mission Impossible 3,” urging Cruise to be complicit and let the computer graphics do their "magic".)

Witsend Here and fellow satirists denied playing any role in the Commission’s report, propaganda or otherwise. “I’m not surprised by Cruise’s allegations,” said T.M. Lindsey, satiric war combatant. “This has been the modus operandi from the Scientologists since the war began. They claim they are the truth and deny anything contrary to the truth, and anyone who persists in claiming otherwise will face the Scientologist’s spiritual wrath of litigation lawyers. I have three words for Mr. Cruise and his misguided minions, ‘Bring ‘em on!’”

Serving an integral part of the “War on Scientology,” the Witsend Here Intelligence community managed to intercept negatives of Katie Holmes’s ultrasound. (see photo)The unborn child bore a striking resemblance to Kenny, a star in "South Park" who is killed in every episode, only to be resurrected for the next. This proved to be the key piece of evidence, thus solidifying the Commission’s findings that Katie is indeed harboring the unborn child of L. Ron Hubbard. The big question that still remains is whether the child will be indoctrinated into the world of Scientology, or will it be raised Catholic. The world waits while the “War on Scientology” pushes forward, silently and without pain of course.

Computer generated photo of what the love-child of L. Ron Hubbard via Katie Holmes will look like when it reaches full fruition.

R.K. Muse’s Haiku Tribute to April Fools’

2006-04-02T12:08:00.000-04:00

RECIPES for DISASTER

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
-Mark Twain

(Note to Reade: To help fuel the April Fools’ Spirit, be sure to do the ceremonial April Fools dance (improvise here) with the accompanied “April Fools!” battle cry.)

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“Guest” Worker Program

Thank you for paying
Taxes to scrub our toilets.
Have a safe trip home.

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Iraq on the Rocks

Shi’ites and Sunnis
Make great Molotov Cocktails;
There’s no Civil War.

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Condi’s Kitchen: What’s in a number?

Tactical errors
By the thousands make tasty
Rice-a-Phony Soup.*

*Surgeon Generals Warning: Recommended that soup is spoon-fed and consumed in small quantities, thus reducing the risk of consciousness and possible awareness by the recipient.

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R.K. Muse is Witsend's first and only (de facto) Poet Laureate, since no other poet has stepped forward to make a claim on the literary title. Although no verification of R.K. Muse's existence has been verified through the Bureaucratic Regime, he has left a trail of poems in his mysterious wake. The poems have appeared all over Witsend, usually scribed in what appears to be a red, water-soluble paint. The CSI of Witsend has tested the paint, and their results contend the red dye is a mixture of animals' blood, which helps support the popular theory among Witsendians that his initials stand for "Road Kill" and his muse is inspired by the unsuspecting victims whose souls he releases during the night.

Breaking War News: T.M. Lindsey Suspends Lenten Sacrifice of Bush

2006-03-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – T.M. Lindsey called a press conference early this morning to announce that due to the “War on Scientology,” he’s suspended his Lenten sacrifice of satirizing President Bush, indefinitely. “Everything has changed since the ‘War on Scientology’ began. Thanks to Scientologists and their unwarranted attacks, life in Witsend will never be the same,” said Lindsey. “We’re in a state of war, and I’ll need every possible weapon at my disposal, and this means sacrificing or suspending any laws, restrictions, civil liberties, or iota of common sense that may jeopardize our mission.”

Some members of the “Witsend Daily” staff felt relieved by the announcement. “A lot of people don’t realize what a huge sacrifice T.M. made when he swore off satirizing Bush for Lent,” said Kelly O’Reilly, Lindsey’s personal assistant. “The sacrifice affected T.M. both mentally and physically. Resisting the infinite satiric possibilities, which grew exponentially every time the President opened his mouth, inevitably took its toll on T.M. during the past four weeks. All he could do was stand by, helplessly, and bite his tongue. It got so bad during the third week of Lent that T.M. had to have surgery on his tongue, repairing the damaged tissues and exfoliating the bad taste left in his mouth from this whole ordeal. We’re very fortunate a war came along to save him from any more hardships.”

Other staff members were a little disappointed the moratorium had been lifted, especially those directly involved with the daily upkeep of the “Bush-O-Meter.” One member, who wished to remain anonymous, said “The Bush-O-Meter had become an integral part of my life. Knowing that I was responsible for updating this every day gave me a sense of purpose, a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I felt like T.M.’s sacrifice had become my sacrifice. It really brought our staff closer together. I feel we’re truly united now, and I hope a united stand against Scientology will bring us even closer together.” Plans for replacing the Bush-O-Meter are already in the works,* and this should help maintain the high morale among the Witsend Here staff during its initial war preparations.

Critics of Lindsey’s announcement contend that while it’s important to protect readers in a time of war, sacrificing one’s integrity to do so will prove to be counter productive. “If T.M. can’t even fulfill a commitment to himself, how can he possibly keep a promise to his readers?” said Cindy Heon, an outspoken member of the Empty Rhetoric Disarmament League.

A photo of Cindy Heon, taken by her Scientology captors just prior to her release from a Scientologist half-way cell in Clearwater, Florida. The photo was procured by Witsend Here Intelligence.

In response to his critics, Lindsey released a brief statement:

The War on Scientology goes well beyond me, and to question my integrity is to question the integrity of the war, which begs the question: Are you with us, or are you with them?

*Because Witsend Here wants the “War on Scientology” to be an interactive war, we encourage you to participate and help us decide what O-Meter slogan we should adopt for the war effort. (see poll and exercise your right to vote, or you may submit your own suggestion via e-mail).

News from the War Front

2006-03-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

The "War on Scientology" is building as the troops begin to amass. Taking their cue from "Witsend Here," it looks as if CBS will be joining the war effort.

Nicholas Meyer's CBS pilot suggest Scientology-like design (LA Times)
Hollywood bully Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's cablecast of a controversial "South Park" episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote "Mission Impossible 3," insiders say. Since Paramount is banking on "MI3" to rake in blockbuster profits this summer, and Paramount is owned by Viacom, which also owns Comedy Central, the tactic worked.

Drawing from his method acting background in "Risky Business," Tom Cruise issued a firm, finger pointing warning to "Witsend Here": "I'm on to you, Lindsey. If you persit to wage war on Scientology, I swear to L. Ron Hubbard that I will turn you into a cartoon caricature of me."

Our beloved media darling truly has been completely brainwashed by the Scientolgists. When asked what he thought about Cruise's warning, T.M. Lindsey responded, "I'm flattered. I've always dreamed of living in an animated world. Besides, my faith will always be there to protect me, and in uncertain times like these, I know I can turn to my W.W.G.K.P.D.? [What Would Guido the Killer Pimp Do?] for moral guidance."

“WITSEND HERE” DECLARES WAR ON “SCIENTOLOGY”!

2006-03-26T17:46:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – When the creators of “South Park,” Matt Stone and Trey Parker, recently declared "War on Scientology," the founder of “Witsend Here,” T.M. Lindsey, felt there was no other choice but to join his satiric brethren by unofficially declaring war.

“There are no lines drawn in the world of satire, and our Intelligence informs us that Scientologists not only possess the necessary means and capabilities for drawing lines, but they intend to do so,” said Lindsey. “Consequently, it’s imperative for us (Witsend Here) to preemptively strike before the Scientologists, in their quest to monopolize ‘the truth’ and our way of life, unleash their lines on the free world of satire.”

South Park's declaration of war came after a planned rebroadcast satirizing Scientology and its most renown member, Tom Cruise, was abruptly pulled by Viacom. Viacom owns Comedy Central, as well as Tom Cruise's soon-to-be-released film, "Mission Impossible 3."

T.M. Lindsey's Intelligence also revealed that the Scientologists did indeed draw first blood by threatening to discontinue Isaac Hayes’ “auditing” (a regressive-therapy technique which involves re-experiencing incidents in one’s past life in order to erase their “engrams,” or psychic scars), thus sabotaging Isaac’s “Bridge to Total Freedom” (path to Scientology enlightenment). These threats began after the episode in question originally aired on Comedy Central (click for clip). Because of the threats, Isaac Hayes, who plays the voice of Chef, an oversexed and overweight African American chef in the South Park Elementary cafeteria, had been admitted to the hospital for “exhaustion.” Two months later, Isaac Hayes quit the show, accusing it of “religious bigotry.”

The Scientologists may have “neutralized” Chef for the time being, but South Park returned fire with its season opener which briefly resurrected Chef only so his animated figure could be struck by lightening, impaled, shot, mauled by a mountain lion, eaten by a grizzly bear, and accused of being a child molester. Despite the self-sacrificial effigy, Kyle urges South Park residents to remember Chef as he was, before the brainwashing. “If there’s to be any anger, don’t direct it at the beloved cafeteria worker…We should be mad at the fruity little club for scrambling his brain.”

Witsend Here will use the following strategy to help win the "War on Scientology." Each step will be unveiled in greater detail as the war itself unfolds.

Witsend Here’s War Strategy:

The Seven Deadly Steps for Winning the “War on Scientology”

Step I (Pride): Creating a case for war

Step II (Lust): Arousing the Troops with W.M.D.s (Words of Mass Destruction)

Step III (Envy): Engaging the Enemy Within

Step IV (Wrath): Destroying the Enemy

Step V (Greed): Learning About the Enemy and Why They Hate ‘Us’

Step VI (Gluttony): Stay the Course: Repeat Steps II-V until the War is Won

Step VII (Sloth): Implement Exit Strategy (Optional)

Coming Soon: A reader’s guide to understanding the “War on Scientology,” and Step I of the war strategy…

“Witsend Here” Adopts New Catch Phrase: WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

2006-03-21T16:59:00.000-05:00

Holding on to a 37% approval rating, the staff of “Witsend Here," out of sheer desperation, decided to shake up the blog by adopting a new catch phrase: “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” Theoretically, the catch phrase’s usage will increase name recognition and will one day become synonymous with “Witsend Here” as it infiltrates the perpetual “War on Ignorance.”

“WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” will rear its bold, ALL CAPS head whenever “Witsend Here” exposes any one of the following:

1. An illogical absurdity, usually of a bureaucratic nature.

2. A human foible so ridiculous that the reader has no choice to ask, “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” as a means of rational defense.

3. When the absurdities of the past repeat themselves in the present, despite the bright red warning lights flashing overhead (the light bulb having long extinguished itself and moved on to darker pastures).

“Witsend Here” will also introduce a periodic column self-titled “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” which will address subjects in the news that fall under the aforementioned. (see sample below)

Marijuana again tied to memory problems (Mon. Mar 13, 2006; Reuters Health)
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - People who regularly smoke marijuana may find their memories growing hazy over time, a study published Monday suggests. In a study of long-term and shorter-term marijuana users, researchers in Greece found that both groups performed more poorly on tests of memory, attention and other cognitive abilities than a comparison group who'd only occasionally used the drug...

Did researches forget about the previous studies that indicated the same results? (WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?)

Maybe studies should be conducted that examine the short and long-term effects of memory loss on those who conduct studies on the short and long-term effects of memory loss on marijuana users.

Tasos Sativa, Marijuana Memory Loss Researcher: "Hmmm, this looks familiar."

Quoteworthy: from “A Man Without a Country”

2006-03-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Kurt Vonnegut’s thoughts on:

Science Fiction: “I think that novels that leave out technology misrepresent life as badly as Victorians misrepresent life by leaving out sex.” (p.17)

Progress: “Now, during our catastrophically idiotic war in Vietnam, the music kept getting better and better and better. We lost the war, by the way. Order couldn’t be restored in Indochina until the people kicked us out. That war only made billionaires out of millionaires. Today’s war (Iraq) is making trillionaires out of billionaires. Now I call that progress.” (p.67)

Reality TV: “I once was asked if I had any ideas for a really scary reality TV show. I have one reality show that would really make your hair stand on end: ‘C-Students from Yale.’” (p.99)

Homeland Security: “The shoe thing at airports and Code Orange and so on are world-class practical jokes, all right. But my all-time favorite is one the holy, anti-war clown Abbie Hoffman (1936-1989) pulled off during the Vietnam War. He announced that the new high was banana peels taken rectally. So then FBI scientists stuffed banana peels up their asses to find out if this was true or not. Or so we hoped.” (p.108)

Our Current Leaders: “Well, one wishes those who took over our federal government, and hence the world, by means of a Mickey Mouse coup d’etat, who disconnected all the burglar alarms prescribed by the Constitution, which is to say the House and Senate, and the Supreme Court, and We, the People, were truly Christians. But as William Shakespeare told us once long ago, ‘The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.’” (p.111)

“Burn” Fans Flames at Witsend’s Creative Guilds’ Idler Awards

2006-03-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – This year’s Idler Awards were presented at an exclusive ceremony at the historic Witsend Theater in downtown Witsend, and the big-budget blockbuster, “Burn”, was on fire, walking away from the carnage with three Idlers. It was a banner year for political films which swept all of the major categories. “Given all of the money spent on these films, it’s not too surprising,” said Jack Griffith, Witsend Creative Guild member and owner of the Witsend Theater. “When you have a captive audience which surpasses 200 million people, you’re bound to put out some quality films, especially when the films are financed by the audience being held captive.”

Best Picture: Burn

In a global community where all the countries are disconnected from one another and hatred continues to fuel the undercurrents of discrimination and racism, it takes a series of interconnected fires to bring the world together to make one really big fire. The film captures the intricate nuances of the fires as they spread across various Iraqi locations and consume one culture at a time, as infrastructures topple over one another like a series of dilapidated dominoes. The characters seek atonement in the film, but the film ends with a new fire, indicating the fires have gone full circle and will continue to burn. The film’s 260 billion dollar budget has broken the previous record set by “World War II” and continues to grow exponentially. Producers and investors hope to recuperate costs after the fires are extinguished, when they can begin the merchandising phase of its campaign for profit.

Best Actor: Elijah Jorgensen, The bin Laden Tapes

L.A. born method actor Elijah Jorgensen does a masterful job playing Osama bin Laden in the series of tapes released by the State Department. Critics and linguistic experts across the globe agree that Jorgensen has effectively captured all of bin Laden’s nuances, speech patterns, and facial tics. When asked what he felt about playing the evilest man in the world, Jorgensen responded, “In the world of acting, you don’t always get to pick your roles. Sometimes your roles pick you, and I feel blessed the State Department picked me to play their poster boy for evil and perpetual scapegoat in the ‘War on Terror’.”

Best Actress: Laura Bush, The Constant Stepford Wife

Laura Bush’s performance is phenomenal in the sense that it’s withstood the tests of time. Paying homage to the “Stepford Wives” role, not once has Laura stepped out of her robotic demeanor, which in turn is a true testament to the loyalty she’s ascribed to this role. With cameras zoomed in on her every move, Laura has redefined method acting as she eloquently maintains her robotic composure on and off the set. Her perpetual smile, empty stare, robotic gestures, and unyielding devotion and loyalty to her husband have left audiences wondering if Laura is indeed real. Laura accredits her southern upbringing for her success, “Growing up in the south, I was conditioned early on as to what it means to be a lady, and this conditioning has helped me land the perfect role.”

Best Supporting Actor: Jack Abramoff, Hustle and Flo'

Abramoff’s performance has stirred both controversy and fear among the rank-and-file Hos of the political world, garnering him the nickname “Political Pimp”. Jack’s support of the Republican Party has been unprecedented in film history, and his threat of “naming names” resurrects fond memories of McCarthyism. Bilking the Native Americans of money has been an American pastime since it was conceived, but hustling inevitably hit a lull when there was nothing left to bilk. But thanks to the rise of the gambling industry on reservations, Abramoff was able to step into the scene and exploit Native Americans, shifting the flow of dough to the back pockets of his stable o’ bitches in the Political Ho House.

Best Supporting Actress: Martha Alito, The Crying Game

Martha’s scripted display of waterworks and subsequent exeunt at Judge Alito’s Confirmation Hearings not only helped her husband garner a seat on the highest court of the land, but elicited an unprecedented number of apologies from senators, including Senator Lindsey Graham whose “closet bigot” comment cued the waterfalls. The Crying Game splashed the headlines of most of the major newspapers the following day, serving as a pivotal distraction to the public from the meaty issues that would make them cry. Bravo, Matha! Bravo!!

Best Director: Donald Rumsfeld, Burn

Despite the opposition of critics who contend anyone could’ve won the Idler for best director if he/she had been given the same budget Rumsfeld had at his disposal. Rumsfeld managed to rise from the ashes and take home this year’s Idler award for best director.

Director Donald Rumsfeld scouting Bahgdad locations to shoot his film, Burn

Original Screenplay: Burn

The screenplay for Burn broke all the rules of Hollywood screenwriting, relying primarily on improvisation and on-the-set script changes. Rumsfeld contends he had no idea where the script was headed before he began shooting his film. “I came in with a basic treatment, knowing that I could experiment on the set and let the shooting guide the script,” said Rumself when contacted about his Idler award. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised the script won an Idler for best screenplay, especially since the script has no ending. You may find this hard to believe, but I never even considered any possible endings before we began shooting.”

Director Rumsfeld informs Burn cast about script changes and recent cuts in costume budget.

“Witsend Daily” Editor Sacrifices Bush for Lent

2006-03-05T16:39:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – On Ash Wednesday, “Witsend Daily” Managing Editor, T.M. Lindsey, dramatically announced he was giving up satirizing President Bush for the Lenten period of 40 days (44 including Sundays). Lindsey emerged from his office with ashen smudged across his forehead, mounted his secretary’s desk, and made the proclamation to the “Witsend Daily” staff, “Dearest colleagues, for too long I have binged on the infinite flaws of President Bush, who inevitably has become my satiric crutch. Whenever my satiric muse is stifled, I know I can turn to the President for salvation and wait for Him to speak, his words stoking the satiric fire. But no more; for I must retreat to the woods and purge my creative soul before my crutch consumes me.”

Dumbfounded by the proclamation, the “Witsend Daily” staff dropped everything and focused their collective energy on their boss’s proclamation. To honor Lindsey’s sacrifice, the staff created the “Bush-O-Meter,” counting down the days of the Lenten period and number of days T.M. Lindsey has gone without satirizing President Bush. (see sidebar)

Furthermore, the staff decided to get a pulse on what other members inside and outside the Witsend community were “giving up” for Lent:

Elijah T. Lindsey (“The Rev”), Reverend and C.E.O. of the Witsend Church for the Disenfranchised Souls, Inc.: “A perquisite of my higher calling demands that I don’t give up on anything and anyone. My brethren are made up of people who gave up, or who were given up on, so it’s essential I model this protocol.”

Karl Rove, White House Chief of Staff: “I’ve decided to give up my obsession with Hillary Rodham Clinton. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. When I should be thinking about how I can spread the fear of terrorists and homosexuals and how they’re destroying our way of life, all I can think of is Hillary dressed in a black mini skirt, hovering over me and talking down to me like a child, ‘Now Karl, there has to be another means of releasing your pent-up sexual idolatries.’ To honor the occasion, I tore down all of the Hillary Clinton pinups in my bedroom and quit sending her fan letters under the pseudonym, Johnny Walker, requesting her to send me an autographed picture of her in a red nightie.”

Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Guitar and front man for the Catholic Rock Group, “The Genuflectors”: “I’ve decided to give up sinning in general. Granted, I won’t have any good material to write songs about and risk losing touch with my Catholic Rock audience base, but maybe abstaining from sin might help give me a new mental slate. You know, something like a creative enema.”

Art Radley, Witsend’s Residential Conspiracy Theorist and alleged writer of syndicated column, “Behind the Venetian Blinds”: “Lent Schment. The Catholic Church has been using Lent to fuel the guilt machine, fuels the Sunday coiffeurs (notice that’s why Sundays don’t count as part of Lent: "cha ching!"), which keeps the Catholicism machine running. Name me five Catholics who actually withdrew into the woods and imitated the life of Jesus for 44 days, and I’ll name you five horny Catholics.”

Anonymous Pre-Seminary Student at Witsend Seminary Prep School: “I’m giving up all thoughts of homosexuality and any thought of a sexual nature that may serve as a gateway thought to homosexual thoughts.”

Witsend Here’s Index for February 2006

2006-03-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Number of standing ovations during President Bush’s State of the Union Address: 31

Percentage of people at State of the Union Address who thought they were at a Catholic wedding: 62

Number of times Bush winked at Rex, thus acknowledging the Bomb-Sniffing Dog’s presence at the State of the Union Address: 2

Number of times Bush acknowledged God at His address: 1

Number of jokes Bush told during the State of the Union Address: 1

Number of jokes that bombed during the Address: 2

Number of times Senators probed Judge Alito during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings: 864

Number of times Senators apologized for extraneous probing: 0

Number of times Alito’s wife cried and had to excuse herself from the hearings: 1

Number of times during the hearings Senators apologized for making Alito’s wife cry and leave the hearings: 312

Estimated number of people who watched the Super Bowl: 90.7 million

Percentage of people who said they only watched the Super Bowl for the ads: 73

Percentage of people who said the only reason they watched the Super Bowl was a fear they might miss seeing
Mick Jagger’s nipple: 22

Cost per second to run an ad during the
Super Bowl: 2.4 million

Cost of entire marketing budget of Witsend Here since
its inception: $0.00

Estimated cost of war in Iraq since its inception: $244,225,450,000

Estimated cost of hiring 4,232,458 additional public school teachers for one year: $244,225,450,000

Percentage of voting-age Americans who thought the occupation in Iraq ended on 5/1/03 when President Bush announced “Mission Accomplished”: 52

Percentage of voting-age Americans who tuned in to the latest episode of “American Idol”: 64

Number of American military casualties since “Mission Accomplished”: 2159

Number of Americans wounded in Iraq War since it began: 16,742

Number of times the Commander in Chief took full responsibility for those wounded in Iraq War: 0

Number of hunters wounded by the Vice President while protecting “our way of life” from despotic quail: 1

Number of times the Vice President took full responsibility for those wounded during the Quail Crusade: 1
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This is Witsned Here’s Index for Feruary 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of http://witsendhere.blogspot.com/ , which is part of Witsend Daily, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.

Saudi Arabian Prince and Real Estate Mogul Purchases White House

2006-02-27T11:32:00.000-05:00

The Satiric Press – Unbeknownst to President Bush and the rest of the White House residents, their humble abode was put on the market and sold to Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia for an undisclosed amount of money and political favors. The current tenants have 30 days to vacate the White House premises, or risk embarrassment and political suicide if a D.C. Deputy Sheriff were to show up and have the inhabitants removed.

President Bush was completely caught off guard by the news and wasn’t aware of the transaction until the deal had already been sealed. The President was informed about the sale and pending eviction by his wife, Laura, during his morning read aloud - a program piloted by the First Lady as a means of engaging adolescent males who are reluctant readers. “I had no idea our home had been sold until Laura read it aloud from the ‘Washington Post.’ I was under the impression that we still had close to three years left on our lease. Go figure.”

Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has a history of acquiring lavish properties and turning them into hotel resorts for the royal families of his homeland, and the White House has become the crown jewel of his collection. Initially, the Prince had considered renting the West Wing to the current tenants but changed his mind after a thorough credit check, when the Prince’s accountants discovered the tenants had built a trillion dollar debt since their White House stewardship began.

Within the hour, Bush informed the entire White House staff and live-in residents of the sale, and cautioned anyone from trying to sabotage the deal. “They have a saying back home in Texas, ‘A deal’s a deal, and any sum bitch who says otherwise had better keep one finger on the shotgun trigger.”

Critics and congress were less enthusiastic about the White House sale, especially when it was announced that the buyers were from Saudi Arabia. “How can the President allow this to happen?” asked Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. “The Saudis have a detailed history of human rights abuses, especially against women. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and let somebody exploit and abuse any woman within the White House walls.”

Other critics charge the sale is contradictory to Bush’s oral commitment to fight his oil addiction. “Selling the White House to oil kingpin, Prince Abdullah, brings the addiction closer to home,” said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend’s Oil Addicts Anonymous. “It’s like selling your estate to a crack dealer while you move into the servants’ quarters in the back yard.”

Senator Hillary went on the offensive, “Opening our borders, and worse, the doors to the White House to a country rooted in the ‘War on Terrorism’ is simply irresponsible, not to mention, it’s counterintuitive to our homeland security policies.”

President Bush defended his complacency and sleeping-with-the-enemy accusations, “Prince Abdullah and the Saudis have been our longtime friends and allies in the global ‘War on Terrorism.’ Sure we jumped into bed with the Saudis in the 1930s and planted our seeds of Democracy; and as a result, the Saudis bore the future terrorists, whose leaders we trained by the way, and now it’s our mission to unite together and kill our illegitimate children before they destroy our global family.”

Longtime allies and occasional companions, President Bush and Prince Abdullah, take a leisurely stroll along along White House garden path, where the Prince intends to build a wine-filled swimming pool.

Art’s Inside Tips for Spotting TIPSTERS (Terrorism Information Prevention System Tattlers Engaged in Reconnaissance & Surveillance)

2006-02-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

Do you remember the TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) program that was introduced in 2002 by the brainchild of the Patriot Act, John Ashcroft? (You know, the guy who lost a senatorial raced in Missouri to a dead guy, and was subsequently promoted to Attorney General. Go figure.) The program was supposed to piecemeal the Feds’ (Department of Justice, F.B.I., Homeland Security, Department of Labor, and FEMA) responsibilities to a voluntary Citizen Corp (e.g. truckers and ship captains) who would report suspicious, publicly observable activity that could be related to terrorism. Kind of like the Neighborhood Watch Program, which cluttered up decent neighborhoods all over the country with “Neighborhood Watch Area” signs, as a means of warding off would be predators and keeping “single, quiet men who live alone and keep to themselves” from moving into the neighborhood. (Note: the latter didn’t deter me. Besides, I seem to be the only one in the neighborhood who IS watching.)

Well, the TIPS program was apparently shelved, or that’s what THEY want you to think. Big Chief’s been heavily recruiting and training legions of TIPSTERS over the past four years, and they’ve been watching your every move, just waiting to report you for participating in terrorist-related activities (e.g. Leading a U.S.-sponsored coup in a non-democratic country or uncooperative despot). No worries, Art’s here, and I have some inside tips to help you spot some of the more notable TIPSTERS in a community near you.

To liven up your experience, it’s recommended you sing a parodied version of the theme song to “Cops” after each entry:

Jehovah’s Witnesses: This one is a no-brainer (granted, this appears to be a prerequisite for getting elected to high office in the good ‘ol U.S. of A.). Who better to spot potential terrorists than God’s witnesses? Besides, they make great witnesses in the courtroom. “Your honor, we would like to call God’s Witness to the stand.” How goddamn dramatic! You’d better hope you have O.J.’s “Dream Team” at your disposal, or your hand trumps God (Note: In the U.S., a Royal Flush and Full House always beats a Jehovah.). If some Jehovah Witnesses come knocking at your door, be wary of letting them into your home. Allah, beware: Jehovah’s in the house! Or do as I do and report them to the police, “I’m an active member of the Neighborhood Watch program, and I would like to report two suspicious people snooping around who appear to be armed with Watchtower Bibles.”

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when God’s Peeps come for you?

Wal-Mart Greeters: Don’t let the disingenuous smiles and “Everyday Low Prices” fool you. These people are dangerous. Be aware of the flair, especially greeters with excessive flair pinned on their blue vests. What are they trying to hide from?

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they flash their flair at you?

Job Seekers who shamelessly promote themselves with “Will Work for Name Your Price Here” signs at major intersections or along off-ramps of interstate highways: Unlike truckers and ship captains, these people will work for anyone if the price is right. The latter is the key to spotting TIPSTERS. Anyone willing to work for top-secret secret information or informal gratitude is a force to reckon with indeed.

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they come work for you?

Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog, and The Dogs of War: Typically speaking, steer clear from all German Shepherds, especially if they respond to “Here, Rex.” Veteran bomb-sniffing dogs from the theater of war have entered the Bomb-Sniffing Dog Relocation Program in exchange for sniffing out potential terrorists in unsuspecting communities.

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when Rex comes sniffin’ you?
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When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

Bush, Inc. to Discontinue American Dream

2006-02-20T09:22:00.000-05:00

The American Dream officially ended when Bush, Inc., announced it would no longer produce, market, or sell the American Dream in the United States. “Americans are no longer buying into the American Dream,” said Constance Kennedy-Rockefeller. “People have traded in four-bedroom homes, white picket fences, two-car attached garages, and retirement security for food, health care coverage, bankruptcy lawyers, and video-poker machines.”

According to an in-depth cost benefit analysis conducted by Bush, Inc., sales of the American Dream have seen a dramatic plummet over the last six years. The analysis pinpointed the increase of economic globalization for the sharp decline. “The American Dream has always been a hot commodity among immigrants,” said Cody Wilder, Vice President of Marketing for Bush, Inc. “But the dynamics of globalization have forced us to rethink our marketing and distribution strategies. No matter what formula we use, the bottom line indicates we need to focus all our energy and resources on foreign markets, where the American Dream still has economic viability.”

Bush, Inc. has already poured a great deal of its resources in test marketing the American Dream in the foreign market. Since March of 2003, Bush, Inc. has spent an estimated 250 billion dollars marketing the American Dream in Iraq and hopes, contingent upon shareholder approval, to invest an additional 72.4 billion dollars for the remaining fiscal year. “The American Dream hasn’t had a lot of traction in our target market, Iraq, but we’re confident business will be booming once people see all the benefits. We saw similar patterns in the United States during the 1930s, but thanks to a war, sales of the American Dream mushroomed in the post-World War II market. “We’ve also started promoting the American Dream in Iran. We’re looking to add 85 million dollars to our Iranian campaign and hope to set up full-scale production of the American Dream by year's end.”

The analysis also indicated that sales of the American Dream in the United States leveled off in the late '60s and began bottoming out in 2001 when it was bought out by Bush, Inc. Wilder contends, “The market for the American Dream in the United States has become more savvy, not to mention we’ve had a difficult time breaking customers' misperceptions that people are born with the American Dream and that it is no longer attainable through patience, hard work, and frugality. To help minimize these misperceptions, we’ve increased our promotional vigilance by broadening the scope of lotteries and other get-rich-quick-schemes across the country, but to no avail. We felt discontinuing the American Dream in the United States was our only option. Besides, there are hundreds of untapped markets in the world, and it’s our mission to give everyone a taste of the American Dream.”

WITSEND DAILY OBITUARIES: Spy (“Spying”)

2006-02-17T10:34:00.000-05:00

Recent cloaked operations, dubbed “Terrorism Surveillance” by the Bush Administration, put the final dagger into Spy (a.k.a. “Spying”), ending a clandestine lifetime filled with mystery, intrigue, romance, fear, humor, controversy, and shoe phones.

Spying will always be remembered for injecting life into the Cold War, especially in 1953 with the executions of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, who were accused of providing Russian intelligence with top-secret nuclear weapons information. Spying’s notoriety was further fanned by Senator McCarthy’s anti-Communist crusade. The United States was rife with paranoia, and like Sputnik, Spying’s fame soared into infamy; everybody and their brother was spying on everybody and their brother. Spying had become an international celebrity and could no longer look back over its shoulder.

It wasn’t long before Spying was romanticized in the literary world with Ian Fleming’s creation of James Bond (a.k.a. 007) in the 1953 novel, “Casino Royale.” James Bond continued to capture the imaginations of readers all over the world and eventually made his splash on the big screen with his cinematic debut of “Dr. No” in 1962 – when the Cold War, thanks to the “Cuban Missile Crises,” had reached its boiling point.

The fifties also saw the boom of “I-Spy” books which were spotter guides for children, preparing them for the infinite opportunities in the world of spying. The company producing the introductory spy books was run by a succession Big Chief I-Spies - whose chiefdom name was derived from the I-Spy Tribe. A new series of books inspired by I-Spy, “I-Survey,” will be distributed by the Homeland Security Department. Due to a copyright infringement case filed by Big Chief I-Spy, publication of the books is still pending. The first three books of the perpetual series will include “I Survey Terrorists,” “I Survey Extreme Islamic Fundamentalists,” and “I Survey Them Surveying Us.”

Thanks to “Mad” magazine and its 1961 publication of a wordless black and white comic strip, “Spy vs. Spy,” Spying’s prolific career continued to mushroom. The strip was created by Cuban, Antonio Prohias, who fled to the United States in 1960, just days before Fidel Castro commandeered the Cuban free press.

Spying’s celebrity took a fall with the Berlin Wall in 1989, never fully recovering in the post-Cold War era. Spying saw a brief reprise at the turn of the century with the release of the Austin Powers’ film trilogy, in particular the box office smash, “ The Spy Who Shagged Me,” but in the end, it was Spying who was inevitably shagged by Surveillance.

Unbeknownst to the public, Spy(ing) is survived by Espionage, Monitoring, and Surveillance who, due to security concerns, will not be able to attend Spying’s undercover funeral. Although, survivors will be able to hear Spying’s funeral on a tape-delayed wiretap recording, which will be broadcasted by the National Security Agency via the Guantanamo Bay Radio frequency.

Love Haikus from Fair Witsend’s Fatal Loins

2006-02-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.
-Romeo; from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet

Axis of Evil Haiku Trilogy

Act I: Saddam Hussein
Old bearded madman,
Poetic justice awaits:
Whitman you are not.

Act II: Kim Jong-il
Mysterious eyes
Hide behind true intentions.
Let's karaoke.

Act III: Mahmoud Ahmadimejad
Put up your nukes, and
We'll deal you into the game;
Ante up your oil.

Bush Bitches,
by Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog
How I long to hump
The green zone in Iraq. Tempt
me not with your legs.

Shotgun Wedding
Stay the course my friend;
The trail of birdshot leads home.
I can't quit you, Dick

Click, Click: Big Chief’s Listening to You

2006-02-12T22:34:00.000-05:00

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

I knew Big Chief was listening when the doublespeak cronies spun “Domestic Spying” into “Terrorist Surveillance.” What next: “Pre-Emptive Foreign Terrorist Surveillance”? Ever since the big towers fell, I knew Big Chief was listening in on my telephone conversations. I’m on to you, Big Chief. And now, dear reader, you will be too.

Top 5 Signals Big Chief is listening to you:

5. When you press star-69 and you get 911.

4. A continuous reel of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.,” a Psy. Ops. (Psychological Operations) favorite in the Democracy Crusades, is playing in the backdrop. (Note: Despite the song’s patriotic title/hook, the remaining lyrics in the song have influenced foreign people to pee on the American flag.)

3. Trust me, He is…

2. An ice cream truck is parked and idling on your street. Be especially wary if it’s after midnight or below freezing outside.

1. You click over to call waiting and a White House secretary invites you to go hunting with the Vice president. (Jesus, Dick! And I thought I was paranoid.)

Art’s Top 5 Big Chief Counter Intelligence Tools if you sense Big Chief is listening:

5. Every once in awhile, interject a non-sequitur statement to get them scribbling and hunting down false leads. (e.g. The moon is full and rises over the crisp desert.)

4. Never use your real name, but rather, adopt a handle from the porn industry (e.g. Deep Throat), and speak in your best Godfather-impersonation voice. (Don’t use “Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre.” That’s my handle, and Big Chief is already on to me. Besides, it's quite a mouthful.)

3. Speak in equivocal, heavy-handed metaphors (e.g. “Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work – and life.”).

2. Keep a downloaded copy of The Patriot Act (this alone will perk up Big Chief’s ears) next to the phone, and when you sense Big Chief is listening, begin reading the manuscript word for word, and I guarantee Big Chief will tune out by the fourth page (the average drop-off point for those who actually voted for it).

1. Never go hunting with Big Chief’s Dick.

When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…
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Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

Ubiquitous Bush Caricatures Ignite Widespread Apathy

2006-02-09T23:06:00.001-05:00

From Witsend Daily – According to a recent study conducted by a Witsend think tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, George W. Bush’s caricature is the most recognizable image in the world, surpassing the real-life images of Bono, Charleton Heston, Bill Gates, Desmond Tutu, Osama bin Laden, Oprah, and himself. The study also indicated a direct correlation between the ubiquitous Bush caricature and the apathetic contagion that has caught afire and spread across the globe. “For the longest time, the United States has taken an isolationists approach to containing apathy,” said Constance Madigan of the Witsend think tank, “but with increased globalization, apathy is no longer an American commodity.”

Over a two-year span, the Witsend think tank conducted a series of studies at Witsend Elementary, measuring the cause-effect relationship between Bush’s caricature and apathy, and how this correlation has impacted student test scores. “Caricature recognition begins at an early age,” said Madigan, “and it’s important to measure how they’ve been impacted by a man caricaturized with over-sized elfin ears, exaggerated laugh lines, and whose diminutive stature is often cloaked in baggy cowboy duds, cowboy boots, and a 10-gallon cowboy hat. This can be a very traumatic experience for an impressionable child. These images don’t just go away.”
When asked who their favorite cowboy was, 87% of those surveyed said George W. Bush, followed by Wyatt Earp (5%), Jesse James (4%), John Wayne (3%), and Yosemite Sam (1%). “The line between reality and fiction has blurred for kids today, and with NCLB looming, some of these kids may be left behind the lines.”

The Witsend chapter of the L.I.C. (Life Imitates Caricatures) Society wasn’t at all surprised by the findings. “There’s a reason we switched affiliation from C.I.L. (Caricatures Imitate Life) to L.I.C.,” said John Clooney, president of Witsend’s L.I.C. chapter and curator of the Witsend Caricature Preservation Society. “George W. Bush has made us rethink our perception of who's imitating whom.”

Thanks to the Internet, Bush’s caricature has infiltrated cultures all over the world, spreading apathy, or “our way of life” across the globe. Google recently introduced its modified search engine to China and when googling images of George W. Bush, only caricatures of Bush appear. Fearing the Bush caricatures will have the same apathetic effect on its people as the United States, many countries are trying to ban his caricature. Bush responded to this banning, “This is just another reminder that there’s a lot of people in the world who are threatened by our way of life. The spread of caricatures is an essential foundation of freedom, and we need to protect these freedoms at any cost.”

“Da Vinci Code” Defrocks Holy Bible from Top Fiction Spot

2006-02-08T08:53:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – After spending over twenty years as the No. 1 fiction book on the Witsend Creative Outpost’s Catholic Bestseller List, “The Holy Bible” had to step aside and make room for Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code.” “The Bible had a good run,” said Gale Simpkins, sales manager at the Creative Outpost, “but it was only a matter of time before a new piece of fiction ignited the imaginations of our Catholic readership. “Da Vinci Code” is a bookselling phenomenon, clearly blessed by Saint John of God-patron saint of booksellers. It has nearly doubled the sales of the No. 1 non-fiction book, ‘Catholicism for Dummies,’ on the Catholic Bestseller List.”

Not all of the Catholic community has been receptive to the “Da Vinci Code’s” monetary prowess in the literary world. The book was eventually denounced by the Vatican when Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, archbishop of Genoa, broke the Vatican's virtual silence on the book and told Vatican Radio that nobody should read it and certainly Catholic bookstores should stop selling it. "There's a big anti-Catholic prejudice. It aims to discredit the church and its history through gross and absurd manipulations."

Cardinal Bertone: "Da 'Da Vinci Code' is full of nothing but da fiction."

Father Lawrence of Witsend’s St. Francis de Sales Catholic Church echoed Bertone’s denunciation: “In the wake of the sex-abuse scandals, we’ve had enough trouble protecting the image of the Catholic Church. The last thing we need is anti-Catholic propaganda spreading through the world of fiction. In today’s literary world, writers have no scruples when it comes to making things up and pawning it off as fiction. It’s simply blasphemous.”

Sister Dymphna, a literature teacher at the Parochial School of Witsend, contends there is a more disturbing issue to worry about than the “Da Vinci Code.” “I’m more concerned about the Bible being placed on the fiction list. We’ve been trying to have ‘The Bible’ moved to the non-fiction list ever since the list’s inception. For the past twenty years, my students have been writing the Vatican and requesting the Catholic Church to take a stand on this issue, but to no avail. We’re still waiting for word from the top, so we can get on with our lives.”

Father Lawrence has spearheaded a similar letter-writing campaign requesting the Vatican give his brethren permission to take to the streets and protest “Da Vinci Code’s” sinful uprising on the bestsellers list. “My flock has grown increasingly upset and restless. They’ve been planning public book burnings of the ‘Da Vinci Code,’ protests and picketing of bookstores who sell the books, and some militant factions of the church are looking to torch any institutions that openly recognize the book and its fictitious teachings. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep them at bay. I hope the Vatican hurries up and takes a stand within the next five years.”

Meanwhile, some members of Witsend’s Catholic community have been able to capitalize on the controversy. The Genuflectors runaway hit, “Breakin’ the Da Vinci Code,” has been quickly climbing the Catholic rock charts. The group is currently on the front end of their 2006 Ultimate Forgiveness Tour, promoting their new CD, “Got Forgiveness?” Despite criticism from the Catholic Church, the group denies they are exploiting the situation. The group’s front man, Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Catholic Rock ‘n’ Roll, said: “What can I say? We’re bigger than the Pope.”

Bush’s Admission, “We’re Addicted to Oil!,” Fuels Membership Spike in Oil Addiction Anonymous Groups

2006-02-06T09:36:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – After fighting a losing battle with oil addiction, President Bush finally admitted defeat, outing himself in front of the entire world during his State of the Union Address. The President’s pulpit confessional encouraged other oil addicts, who were living in denial, to come out of the closet. “Our membership has more than doubled in less than three days,” said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend’s Oil Addicts Anonymous. “We tend to see a spike in membership whenever a high-profile oil addict outs himself, and it looks like we just hit the mother load.”

“The President has taken the first big step in the road to recovery,” said Carol Cummings, White House Rehabilitation Counselor. “Given the history of oil addiction in the Bush family, this is a monumental first step in breaking the endless cycle of addiction.” A byproduct of oil addicts, George W. Bush was born an “Oil Baby.” According to Cummings: “Since they’re born with oil already pumping through their veins, Oil Babies are especially challenging to break from the perpetual cycle of addiction. It’s hard to win a battle if you’re not even aware that you’re even fighting one, let alone implement The Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction*.”

President Bush emerging from stretch limousine after all-night oil binge

America’s addiction to oil has been around since its conception, but Oil Addicts Anonymous (O.A.A.) was not born until the late 1930s, when America struck a deal with their main supplier, Saudi Arabia. “The whole thing smacks of conspiracy,” said Art Radley, Witsend’s residential conspiracy theorist; “The United States and the automotive industry and the C.I.A. have been pumping oil into America since the Eisenhower Administration as a means of keeping the American people down by keeping them hooked.”

The Witsend chapter of O.A.A. is not the only group experiencing a membership spike since Bush’s coming-out party. The national spokesperson for O.A.A., Elizabeth Montgomery, said, “Bush’s admission is more symbolic than the Berlin Wall coming down and ending the Cold War. The wall of denial is starting to come down, a monumental occasion in bringing an end to the ‘War Against Oil.’ Membership has spiked all over the country. It’s only a matter of time before everyone is hooked on O.A.A. All of the media has fed our enthusiasm and we’re negotiating a celebrity endorsement contract with Earl Campbell, former running back of the now-defunct Houston Oilers.”

Earl Campbell (left) celebrating 2 years of sobriety at O.A.A. party for recovering oil addicts

Cummings said President Bush’s oil addiction recovery will take time; and to help protect national security, his recuperation will be top secret. Although Cumming did indicate that his rebirth will probably take a great deal longer than his Christian rebirth, adding: “These things take time. It doesn’t just happen overnight.”

*Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction

1. We admitted we were powerless over oil; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that an alternative power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to take back our will from O.P.E.C. (Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries) as we understood Them.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our homes, basements, attics, garages, motorized vehicles, arctic refuges, toilet tanks, unsuspecting third-word countries, and sandboxes – as a means of ensuring temptation had been extracted from our lives.
5. Admitted to ourselves, the Tin man from the “Wizard of Oz”, and to any human being - who was willing or paid to listen to the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We’re entirely ready to have practicing environmentalists remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked practicing environmentalists to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons, places, or things we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such persons, places, or things wherever possible, except when to do so would only hurt them or others due to additional consumption of oil.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it to anyone within walking distance.
11. Sought through an act of Congress to improve our conscious contract with the Petroleum God, as we understood Him, begging only for alternative energies and an occasional fix in the case of an oil pandemic.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to oil addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog, Responds to the State of the Union Address

2006-02-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

"Why does the dog wag his tail? Because the dog is smarter than the tail. If the tail were smarter than the dog, the tail would wag the dog." (from 1997 film, "Wag the Dog")

From Witsend Daily – Similar to the fate of Cindy Sheehan, a "Witsend Daily" correspondent was “removed” from the House chamber prior to President Bush’s State of the Union Address. Capitol Police escorted the reporter to a “holding tank” where he was retained for three hours. No explanation or charges were filed, but an inside source reported that the correspondent (who wishes to remain silent until he can afford a lawyer) was preemptively removed for wearing a t-shirt bearing the newspaper’s name, “Witsend Daily” (see ad). The paper’s name was construed as a direct attack against the President. “This isn’t the first time the United States Government has refused to recognize our newspaper,” said T. M. Lindsey, Managing Editor of “Witsend Daily.”

When our correspondent returned to the House chamber to retrieve his jacket, he discovered a handwritten transcript scribbled in the margins of “The New York Times.” In a collaborative effort, the staffs of CSI: Witsend and “Witsend Here” have determined that the transcript was penned by Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog. Rex, a five-year-old German shepherd, was one of Mrs. Bush’s guests and was propped up with fellow Iraq war veterans in Bush’s box during the President’s address.

Rex, whose previous vocation involved sniffing out bombs in Iraq, had been transferred back to the United States. His owner, Air Force Tech Sgt. Jamie Dana, awoke in a military hospital last summer badly injured by a bomb in Iraq and crying for her bomb-sniffing dog. Someone told her Rex was dead. Later, Dana found out that wasn't true, but it would take an act of Congress before she could take him home to Pennsylvania. The Air Force said it had spent $18,000 training Rex and that, by statute, he needed to finish the remaining five years of his useful life before he could be adopted. Dana's congressman, Rep. John Peterson, R-Pa., helped abolish that policy in an end-of-year defense bill, according to the White House.

The following is a transcript of Rex’s response to the President's State of the Union address. (Since the transcript had to be translated from dog to German, then German to English, some of the meaning and canine nuances may have been lost.)

For the love of sniffing nitroglycerin, what am I doing here? I’m the only damn dog in the House, not including the big Saint Bernard propped up behind Master Bush. What did I do to draw this assignment? I did as I was told. I sniffed out bombs and insurgent-sympathizers. I kept my kennel clean and up to regulations according to military S.O.P. (Standard Operational Procedure). I licked boots when I had to. This is worse than pulling duty for the nightshift at Abu Ghraib. Ain’t that a bitch; one road-side bomb and Roof! Here I am. I should’ve smelled it coming.

Speaking of bitches, where are they? I haven’t seen a single bitch since I left the military hospital. The First Lady is real nice, but she’s no bitch. Master Bush’s talk of terrorism is getting me all worked up. I need to get back in the field, before I end up dead like these people. Some of these people should be put to sleep.

Oh ,wait a minute, they’re standing up and clapping again. Do they keep doing this to remind themselves that they’re still alive? I wish they’d stop teasing me. My bladder is conditioned to respond every time a human stands up, presumably to let me outside so I can relieve myself. I’m not sure my bladder can take any more of this, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to empty myself on “The New York Times.” Now “The Washington Post,” on the other hand…

Did he just wink at me? Master Bush winked at me. Is he signaling me? Potential bomb in the house? Something smells rotten in here, but it’s not a bomb, at least not a literal bomb. I smell doubt, fear, cynicism, lies, and a heavy scent of A & D ointment emitting from underneath Justice Alito’s black robe. God, this blessed sense of smell can be such a curse.

Not again, please don’t stand. I’ll beg. They’re doing it again. That’s 28 standing ovations. Do they realize that’s 112 standing O’s in dog ovations? What I’d do for a fire hydrant right now. Although, Margaret Spelling’s hot-pink dress sure is tempting. I can barely keep my paw steady.

Master Bush is getting very excited. I can see his tail wagging, and I can smell his bitch’s excitement. This begs the question: Who's wagging whom? Something exciting must be happening. Everyone’s standing and clapping. Now’s my chance…

Witsend University Officials Urge Drinking Moderately While Absorbing the State of the Union Address

2006-01-31T09:10:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – Members of The Binge Reality Project have pressured Witsend University officials to take a public stand against the harmful effects of the drinking game, “Buzzkill,” which centers around the State of the Union Address. Dean of Students, Ross Busch, said: “In no way do we support or condone any non-sanctioned activities associated with high-risk drinking. And we encourage any student, who is of the legal drinking age, to drink responsibly while watching the President’s address.”

The Binge Reality Project, a coalition comprised of Witsend University and Witsend/Witsend Heights community members, was formed in response to the surge of binge drinking in Witsend, especially among college students. “Most people in Witsend are completely unaware of the growing tradition of the drinking game, Buzzkill, and its harmful effects. Buzzkill may begin with the State of the Union Address, but the real “buzzkill” begins the day after. Its effects can last anywhere from a day to the next State of the Union Address, depending on the political fallout over the course of the next year.”

Buzzkill unofficially began in 2002 during President Bush’s first State of the Union Address, when Witsend University students gathered for a party and an impromptu drinking game ensued. According to Andy Sorenson, 7th-year senior and self-proclaimed President of the Witsend Buzzkill Society, the basic rules of the game involve choosing a list of words, or Buzzwords, and whenever the President says one during his address, participants are required to drink - the amount of each drink predetermined democratically by the assembled group. “Buzzkill has realty taken off in Witsend. I know more people who watch the State of the Union Address than the Superbowl. Buzzkill has helped make college the best four years of my life. My term as president of the Buzzkill Society has paralleled Bush, and I’m thinking of stretching out my undergraduate degree a couple more years and finish off with the Bushmeister.”

Witsend Buzzkill Society President, Andy Sorenson, at Last Years' State of the Union Buzzkill Assembly

This years’ Buzzwords were announced last Friday at the Witsend Buzzkill Society headquarters located in Sorenson’s unfinished basement: freedom, terror, fear, security, and the double-bonus buzzword, God. “We’re totally pumped about the buzzwords. We’ve poured through Bush’s speeches and quotes over the last year, and we’re expecting to see a lot of empty beer mugs come Tuesday night,” said Sorenson, adding: “A perfect compliment to the empty rhetoric served up by the Commander in Chief. And the beauty of Buzzkill is that you won’t remember anything he said the next day.”

Instructors at Witsend University have attempted to downplay the hype surrounding Buzzkill, although Political Science Professor, John M ontgomery, said: “The more you try to suppress it, the more likely students will do it. Maybe we should start suppressing the whole political process, and this might compel students to get actively involved. Similar to sex, if we started making politics taboo at an early age, youngsters might become more curious about politics and engage in political activity. The line between the two is already blurred for today’s youngsters. And like most cultural shifts, I’m sure there will be a group of naysayers who oppose political activity, claiming that political engagement at an early age will lead to political promiscuity. Tragically, Buzzkill is the closest most of my undergraduate students come to actually participating in the political process.”

University Officials had contacted The Witsend Buzzkill Society over the weekend, urging them to either modify the buzzwords, or maybe remove one of the words from the list. Sorenson said, “This is just another one of the administration’s attempts to take away our civil liberties. They strongly suggested we drop ‘freedom’ from the list. If we didn’t at least make the attempt, the official in question hinted that some of our freedoms might be hindered. What kind of crap is that?”

In response to the Buzzkill Society, Elaine Fitzsimmons, spokesperson for The Binge Reality Project, said: “They obviously cannot see anything beyond themselves. This is a classic symptom of high-risk drinking. If only they could see the harmful after-effects of Buzzkill. The number of verbal and physical assaults perpetrated on outspoken Democrats has nearly doubled every year since 2002. And this doesn’t include all of the unreported assaults committed; a lot of Democrats are just too ashamed to come forward.”

Local churches have also spoken out against Buzzkill, especially taking issue with this year’s double-bonus Buzzkill word, God. “To associate God with the drinking of alcohol is completely blasphemous,” said Father McCarthy of St. Mary’s Catholic Church of Witsend.

Binge Reality took their message to the source, contacting an agent representing Bush’s speech writing team and requested they not use any of the buzzwords. Speaking for her clients, Mary Jennings said, “I understand your dilemma, but removing those words would be catastrophic. I’ll have to give them (Witsend Buzzkill Society) credit; those boys have done their research. Although I haven’t seen the final draft of the President’s address, I’m certain those five words will be the cornerstone of his speech. Remove those, and the whole thing will fall apart. You might, just as well, ask the writers to omit all the modifiers; it would have the same effect.”

What the G**gle!?: Smurf Gets Googled by Google

2006-01-26T16:42:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – In less than 7 years, the word “google” has already surpassed the “smurf” word in number of word variations used in the English language. Both words have been used interchangeably as nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, double entendres, and everything in between. The meaning of the word depends on what context it is used.*

The smurf word was introduced into the English language via the Smurfs in their self-titled cartoon, “The Smurfs,” which began airing in 1981. The s-word arose from the Smurf dialect in Smurf Village and is derived from “Schtroumpf”– the Flemish equivalent of the English language colloquial “Whatchamacallit,” which was inevitably replaced by smurf despite the Whatchamacallit Preservation Society’s fervent candy-bar campaign.

Google, the most dominant search tool on the web, surfaced in September of 1998, and has pervaded the English language ever since, not to mention, google has already been translated in 863 languages.

Despite the global surge of google’s usage, Smurf loyalists refuse to give up without a fight. Beth “Smurfette” Hawkins, curator of the Smurfosion Institute in Smurf Village, said, “I’ll be smurfed if I’m going to go down without putting up a smurfing fight. It’ll be a cold day in smurf before I smurf!” Members of “Smurf This!,” a militant smurfist group, has threatened to commit smurficide on the world wide web, smurfing google search engines with their smurf manifesto. The group’s leader, Rebel Smurf, promised a lengthy insurgency on the web, “We’re in for the long haul. This is unsmurfing-believable! In the spirit of Grouchy Smurf, I hate Google. Vive la Smurf!”

Grouchy Smurf: "Kiss my smurf, Google!"

*Top googled examples of google’s usage (context found in):

Domestic surveillance: “Hey Mr. President, go google yourself!”

“Big Brother’s googling you!”

Women’s Rights: “A woman has the right to google.”

The Newlywed Game: “When was the last time you and your partner googled?”

“Where’s the most interesting place you’ve googled?”

Teenage Vernacular: Every misuse of like or thing has been replaced by google.
(e.g. Can I google borrow your cell phone google?)

Catholic Church pre-Seminary Screening: “Have you ever googled, had any thoughts of googling in the past three years, or been googled by a googler?”

Osama bin Laden Poses Threat to Oprah

2006-01-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – The reign of the Queen of Book Endorsements may soon be usurped by the King of Terror, Osama bin Laden The al Qaeda leader's recent endorsement of William Blum’s “Rogue State: A Guide to the World’s Only Superpower” helped catapult the book from the 209,000th spot on Amazon.com’s sales list to Number 30 in less than 24 hours. In an audiotape released last Thursday, bin Laden said an al Qaeda group was preparing more attacks on the United States and also told Americans, “It is useful for you to read the book ‘The Rogue State.’”

“Rogue State” also took over the No. 1 spot on the Witsend Here Creative Outpost import list, knocking off “America” which moved to No. 2 (see ad). Gale Simpkins, sales manager at the Creative Outpost, was not at all surprised by the news. “The book is a scathing critique of U.S. Foreign Policy, and that’s what’s popular nowadays, especially outside of the United States. If candidates in other countries can run a successful political campaign based on an anti-American platform, it was only a matter of time before the book industry caught up to this growing fad.”

In book-publishing circles, it is a known fact that Oprah Winfrey possesses the Midas Touch- every book she endorses turns to gold for the book’s author and publisher. Less Brockman, a literary agent in Witsend, said, “Osama’s popularity has shifted the tactics in the book publishing industry's ‘War on Marketing.’ The competition for Oprah’s endorsement came down to who could write and publish the most depressing, true-to-life book involving a protagonist victimized by a seemingly endless series of mental and physical abuses. The Oprah formula for success is codependent upon human misery."

“And now bin Laden, the incarnation of terror, has reared his head in the marketing mix, and the formula has shifted to an anti-American foreign policy model,” said Brockman. “The big challenge now is to see who can write the most searing attack on U.S. foreign policy without ending up in Guantanamo Bay or a Pakistani cave. Bin Laden has changed the rules of engagement in the publishing world’s ‘War on Marketing.’ All of the traditional rules of war have changed in the post-9/11 era, and we are now faced with guerilla warfare. Celebrity endorsements are no longer predictable, and we never know when an audiotape will pop up, endorse a book, and knock other books from the best sellers’ list.”

Some analysts in the book industry are not too concerned about bin Laden’s threat to Oprah’s power. They’ve dismissed his recent impact on book sales as a “novelty,” comparing the surge of sales to those of Hitler’s “Mein Kempf” when it was first published. Oprah’s people are not taking Osama’s threat to her throne lightly, however, and have already deployed a legal team to Pakistan with the hope of finding bin Laden and buying out his endorsement rights. Art Radley, Witsend’s residential conspiracy theorist, went as far to say, “The whole thing smacks of conspiracy. The Bush administration is desperate. They fabricated the whole audiotape bit to keep us scared, and the endorsement was icing on the cake of fear. C’mon, if there’s anyone in the world who could find Osama bin Laden, it’s Oprah.”

Karl Rove Comes Out of Burrow, Sees Shadow: 10 More Months of Fear!

2006-01-22T12:15:00.000-05:00

The Satiric Press – On Friday, D.C. Karl emerged from his burrow where he’d been hibernating for the past few months, saw his shadow, and predicted 10 more months of fear for the remainder of the political campaign season. Karl Rove, White House Chief of Staff and the President’s top political advisor, made his prediction in front of a prescreened audience of loyal Republican followers. “The United States faces a ruthless enemy," Rove said, "and national security will be the preeminent issue of this years’ campaign.”

The last time D.C. Karl saw his shadow and predicted 10 more months of fear was in 2004, and as it turned out, Karl was right. The unprecedented campaign of fear in 2004 helped President Bush win his reelection bid. While both predictions hinged on the fear of terrorism, the 2004 prediction took a two-pronged fear forecast by throwing homophobia into the mix by way of gay marriage.

There was no doubt as to whether D.C. Karl saw his shadow, for it eclipsed the entire Washington, D.C., area and eastern portions of Virginia. According to Jan Jorgensen, an astronomy professor at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, “I was in the laboratory making my daily calculations when the sky unexpectedly blackened. I thought for sure we had experienced a partial eclipse of the sun. It wasn’t until later in the day that I heard on the news that it was D.C. Karl’s shadow. Then it all made sense.” Startled by the ominous girth of his own shadow, D.C. Karl was reported to have fled his inaugural speaking engagement (see photo) before he could fully outline his fear forecast.

Anti-Lobby Group Lobbies for End of Lobbying

2006-01-21T14:14:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – In the wake of the Jack Abramoff scandal, a local anti-lobby lobbying firm, Downsize Me, Un-Incorporated, has stepped up its efforts to put an end to political lobbying, and inevitably themselves. The firm’s founder, Karl Smith, said, “Abramoff’s promise to name names has rocked the monetary bedrock of Corporate Hill, and we must seize this opportunity and help put an end to the legal practice of laundering money through our elected officials.”

The nonprofit firm, Downsize Me, Un-Inc., was founded in 1994 in response to the 1990s Lobbying-Firm Boom that has grown exponentially in the new millennium. Karl Smith, a former economics professor at Witsend University, had been an outspoken political activist in the early '90s and a champion of lobbying reform in Washington, D.C. The firm began as SPOC (Stop Prostituting Our Congressman) before changing its name to Downsize Me. The name, according to Smith, stemmed from an inside joke during the first few months of operation: “The biggest challenge of our firm was motivating our staff. How do you convince employees to work harder, when the harder they work means the sooner they’ll be out of work? Given the paradox, we had no other choice but to laugh at ourselves. A good sense of humor is a prerequisite in this line of work. Our firm’s mantra is ‘Looking forward to the day we no longer exist.’ It’s posted all over the workplace. To further boost morale, one of the employees came up with a t-shirt slogan, ‘Downsize Me,’ and the name has stuck ever since.”

In 1996, despite the resistance of lobbying firms, Downsize Me opened an office in Washington, D.C. “I was amazed at how embedded the lobbying firms were, in not only in the political but also the economic landscape of D.C.,” said Smith. “To be safe, we had to assume everyone was sleeping with everyone, and the last thing anyone wanted was an outside party to come break up their orgy. For the longest time we couldn’t get a building permit, nonprofit tax-exempt status, or a cup of coffee at the neighborhood Starbucks. Within six months, Downsize Me had become the laughing stock of D.C., an honor we lovingly embraced. The more we laughed at ourselves, the more motivated we became, knowing that one day we’ll have the last laugh. We even had a revolving door installed at our D.C. headquarters to parody the revolving doors of the congressmen on Corporate Hill, who join prestigious lobbying firms when they vacate their seat on the Hill. Of course, the inside-joke for us is that we will revolve from lobbyist to unemployed lobbyist.”

Downsize Me exit in D.C. Headquarters

According to a lobbyist (who has chosen to remain anonymous until the law requires full disclosure), “Downsize Me doesn’t realize the trickle-down effects of trying to take the lobbying out of politics. Thousands of lobbyists will join the ranks of the unemployed. Fewer laws will be passed in Congress, because congressmen will have to start doing their own homework. D.C.’s finest restaurants, hotels, and health spas will go belly up. God forbid, the last thing we need is a bunch of nonprofit people running around D.C., looking for Triple-A rates and tipping exactly 15% wherever they dine.”

Smith is not oblivious to the effects lobbying reform will have on the capital’s economic viability. “Not a day goes by when we don’t receive an anonymous death threat, a letter from a member of the business community, or a phone call from an irate caller telling us to get the hell out of town and go back to Witsend. Our staff has been trained on how to respond to these threats. Just smile, agree, and respond with the company mantra: ‘Like you, we look forward to the day we no longer exist.'”

When the news of the Abramoff scandal first broke, Downsize Me doubled its staff in D.C., while the Witsend staff has put in countless hours of overtime investigating and chasing the money trail. “Everyone tied to Corporate Hill is washing their hands of dirty money, donating to charity any funds remotely connected to Abramoff. Nobody is immune,” said Smith. “Even some funding we’ve received can be traced back to Abramoff. In 2000, we received a $5000 donation from a prominent Witsend businessman who received the money from a fellow businessman and teammate on the Witsend Polo Club who received the funds in question from a bet he wagered with a Witsend plastic surgeon who received the money from a pharmaceutical representative who received the money from a lobbying firm who represents a client in the pharmaceutical industry. We had no choice but to donate the money to our favorite nonprofit organization, Downsize Me, Un-Inc., whose existence is in imminent peril - or so we can only hope.”

Witsend School Board Considers Outsourcing School District

2006-01-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

From Witsend Daily – An unprecedented turn of events unfolded at last night’s school board meeting when board president, Elaine Plunkett, proposed looking into outsourcing the Witsend School District to India. “Financially, the Witsend Community School District is in dire straits, and if I may borrow from the Bard, ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures.'”

The school district has been operating in the red for the past four years, and none of the schools have achieved a level of proficiency since the enactment of the No Child Left Behind (NCLB) Act. The window for meeting the guidelines closes in August, meaning the Witsend schools will lose all of their federal funding as well. Addressing the board, since no community members were in attendance, Plunkett said, “We cannot wait for the feds to step in and take over our schools. We need to get proactive, and given the current global market, outsourcing our district makes good economic sense."

Plunkett outlined her plan, which involves moving the school district to one of three possible communities in India. All current teaching and support staff have the option of retaining their jobs in the transition, although yearly salaries will be greatly reduced to match the cost of living in India. Any vacancies will be open to the public, and unfilled positions will be either eliminated or filled by the local Indian population. Dr. F. B. Skinner, principal at Witsend High School, said, “I’m not sure how receptive teachers will be to this proposal. Some teachers are very resistant to moving to a new classroom, let alone another country. They can be extremely territorial.”

Possible site for new Witsend Community School District

Upon losing federal dollars, students will qualify for a voucher, and this can be used to cover relocation expenses. According to Plunkett, “The money we’ll save from not having to spend on testing under NCLB next year will finance the entire construction of the district, administrator and teacher salaries, the first year’s operating budget, and a textbook publishing company that will be staffed entirely by Indian employees. I’ve already been in contact with three perspective communities, and all of them are excited about the prospect of our district relocating in their community.”

Witsend Middle School Student Jena Alverson: "It could be cool. I've heard India is really nice."

School board member Pete Leff echoed Plunkett’s enthusiasm: “If the goal of a school district is to prepare students to be productive members of their respective communities, it only makes sense to move our district to India, since that’s where most of our kids’ parents' jobs were sent. They can be the next generation of workers. This definitely gives ‘No Child Left Behind’ a new spin.” The school board adjourned the meeting, making the outsourcing issue top priority at next week’s meeting. The board hopes to get feedback from the community, but if attendance over the past year serves as any indication, the board will be bouncing their ideas off the walls.

Debating Responsibly, or “Stupid is as Stupid Does”

2006-01-12T00:19:00.000-05:00

In the middle of preparing for their debate on whether or not the United States should begin withdrawing troops from Iraq, Cold War Veterans’ efforts were hit with a preemptive strike when the Commander in Chief warned, “There is a difference between responsible and irresponsible debate…” The debate “Should We Stay, or Should We Go Now?” was slated for Friday night at the V.M.W. (Veterans of Metaphoric Wars) in Witsend.

The intended topic was put on hold when both sides of the debate split into opposing factions and began debating what qualifies as responsible and irresponsible debate. And as is the case in all metaphoric wars, the debate reached a stalemate. Neither side had an exit strategy, nor was either side willing to admit defeat. In lieu of hiring a mediator, both parties turned to the Witsend Think Tank, TANKED THOUGHTS PARADOX, for clarification. After a heated, yet responsible discussion, the think tank released the following BOTTOM-FEEDER FIVE:

Red Flags Indicating That You Are Engaged in an Irresponsible Debate

5. When one side loses argument after argument, yet keeps retorting with “Stay the course!”

4. When the My-Big-Brother-Can-Beat-Up-Your-Big Brother argumentative discourse is initiated

3. When the tie-breaker voter drops an F-bomb on either side

2. When a conservative talk show host has the only microphone in the room

1. When either side decries “Na Na Na Boo Boo!”

Poll Indicates Mattel is the Intelligent Designer

2006-01-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

Final results of the first poll conducted by “Witsend Here” revealed that Mattel is the Intelligent Designer, claiming the dubious honor with 28% of the votes. Oprah and Yoda were a close second, each claiming a respective 22% of the vote count. Upon notification of the results, Mattel responded, “Duh.”

Up until this week, Oprah had a comfortable lead over Mattel, but the recent revelation by thesmokinggun.com revealed that an Oprah Book Club selection, “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey (a best-selling nonfiction memoir about Frey’s recollections of crack addiction and incarcerations), is "filled with fabrications, falsehoods, fakerry,” thus dampening Oprah’s bid for Intelligent Designer.

We tried to contact Yoda for an inverted comment, but discovered that Yoda is not taking any calls and has left the force off the hook since the premier of his latest film, “Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.” Disappointed by the results, pollsters for the runners-up united and began a write-in campaign, speculating that if Yoda and Oprah were to conceive a child together, the offspring would be the second coming of the Intelligent Designer.

Karl Rove and Jehovah finished a distant last in the poll, each claiming a modest 6%. Both candidates have managed to disappear from the media spotlight and could not be reached for comment. Although, the “Witsend Here” staff was able to contact Jehovah’s press agent who issued a statement, but because the statement was in Arabic, we were unable to translate it before the post deadline.

Interview: Doc T. Paine, 2008 Presidential Candidate

2006-01-08T17:04:00.000-05:00

The 2008 Presidential Campaign kicked off in Witsend when The Other Party officially announced on Friday that Doc T. Paine will be its candidate. With less than34 months until election day, The Other Party wasted no time unleashing their presidential hopeful and current frontrunner of the 2008 presidential race (according to a recent poll conducted by 'Witsend Daily"). Doc T. Paine granted "Witsend Daily" and "Witsend Here" exclusive first rights to the campaign. Doc T. Paine has claimed an office in the "Witsend Daily" building where he will run the initial stages of his presidential bid and continue writing his syndicated column, "Keep Off the Campaign Trail," which will continue running in the "Witsend Daily." I arranged to meet Doc at his new office and campaign headquarters. The office, previously occupied by the freelance obituary writer for the "Witsend Daily," is small and relatively barren, and Doc is standing on a chair and mounting a campaign sign baring the slogan “Know Paine, Know Gain” on the wall behind his desk.

Witsend Here: What compelled The Other Party to announce your candidacy so early?

Doc T. Paine: The political season no longer exists. It’s a myth. Like the Christmas-shopping season, the political season kept getting earlier and earlier to the point where it fused with the previous season, giving us the perpetual campaign.

WH: But two-and-a-half years?

DTP: If anything, I’m well behind the Republicrats. They’ve been campaigning since the day Democracy died in 2000. Ol’ What’s His Face and whoever fills his boots have been campaigning for president since the day he was inaugurated in 2001. This begs the question, “When an elected politician first steps foot in the office, who's running whom?"

WH: By ‘Ol What’s His Face? Do you mean President Bush?

DTP: No, I mean Ol’ What’s His Face. To name him would only further empower him. Besides, I don’t give free lip service to the competing party.

WH: Political pundits have already dismissed your candidacy, calling you a "Crackpot with a computer.”

DTP: I’m weary of anyone who calls himself, or herself, a pundit. Besides, I wouldn’t be the first crackpot to get elected to office, now would I?

WH: Pundits don’t view The Other Party as a viable political party, but rather, a P.A.C. (Political Action Committee).

DTP: I agree. The Other Party is a P.A.C., a Politically Active Coup. I find it interesting that pundits reduce the English language to acronyms when wielding their mighty pens. If they really cared about language and meaning, they would take a closer look at Political Action Committee, and observe that Political Action is an oxymoron. By definition, these two words cancel each other out, leaving us with Committee. And anyone who has served on a committee has seen political inaction at its finest. Committees are the life force of bureaucracy.

WH: The pundits have also questioned your credibility, especially when you claimed the day after the 2000 election, that you had a dream about a coyote who told you to resurrect democracy.

DTP: And how is this any less plausible than any other supernatural resurrection dream? God, your wife, a coyote - what difference does it make who told you to run? The puppet masters have a history of ignoring the message while crucifying the messenger. They should question the credibility of who's ultimately delivering the message.

WH: What do you mean?

DTP: Let me give you an analogy. The Son of Sam claimed demons spoke to him through his neighbor’s barking dogs and told him to go shoot innocent women to help ease his mental suffering. For killing six people, Berkowitz was sent to prison for the rest of his life. On the other hand, Ol’ What’s His Face claimed to be the messenger for God and that it was God’s will for us to liberate Iraq and help ease the Iraqis’ suffering. And thousands of soldier and civilian casualties later, Ol’ What’s His Face is reelected to office.

WH: Still not quite following; what’s your point?

DTP: We need to focus on the message, not the messenger. The benefit of having a coyote as a messenger is that I won’t use this as a crutch in my speeches. I would sound pretty ridiculous if I tried to justify my actions in a speech with coyote-laden rhetoric such as “It’s Coyote’s will…,” “Coyote willing…” or “It’s our duty to Coyote to preserve our Coyote-given freedoms....”

WH: Third parties have a poor record of attempting to defeat the two major parties…

DTP: There are two major parties? I though we only had the Incorporated Party, or what pundits would call the INC party. (laughs)

WH: How do you plan to take on these political and financial juggernauts?

DTP: We’re a netroots movement and intend to be a netroots revolution. Last I heard, excluding votes in Congress, votes cannot be bought. We won’t accept any monetary donations. We plan on using a barter system: a vote in exchange for a political voice.

WH: Sounds logical.

DTP: We are the Pro-Logic Party. We especially represent the disenfranchised who have nothing else to exchange. We will focus our efforts on voters whose voices have been silenced, you know, the other voting population who chooses not to exercise their rights on election day. And this is where The Other Party steps in.

WH: Any parting words of wisdom?

DTP: Just say no to pundits and know to Paine.

The Other Party Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate: Doc T. Paine

2006-01-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

from Witsend Daily – Witsend’s The Other Party made Doc T. Paine’s 2008 Presidential bid official, announcing at a press conference held Friday afternoon that its founder will be the party’s candidate and the next President of the United States of America.

The Other Party was established by Doc T. Paine in the wake of the 2000 Presidential Election when, armed with a bullhorn, Doc scaled the Witsend Courthouse stairs and boldly announced from the concrete mount, “Dear Citizens of Witsend, Democracy is dead!” Curious Witsend passersby and courthouse employees soon gathered on the steps as Doc T. Paine repeated his claim, eventually providing Doc with a viable audience to help fuel and further his new mission.

“The first step to resurrecting Democracy is admitting that it’s dead, so we can begin the recovery process. I can no longer live in a perpetual state of denial,” Doc said as his audience nodded their heads in apparent agreement. “I dreamt last night that a coyote was being chased by an infinite herd of elephants and donkeys. Fearing the pain of being trampled to death, the coyote led the masses to the top of a cliff, over which the elephants and donkeys plunged to their tragic deaths. Somehow the coyote had been miraculously spared. He stood at the edge of the cliff, cast a smile at me, looked me in the eye, and said, ‘It’s up to you to resurrect Democracy, Doc. But be careful of what you chase. It’s a long fall.’ With the latter statement, the coyote winked at me and leapt off the cliff’s edge. His fall jarred me from my slumber, and it was at this point that I knew I had been reborn.”

One week later, Doc T. Paine’s quest to resurrect democracy became more concrete when he founded The Other Party, Witsend’s Only Viable Political Party. At the grassroots level, The Other Party has been gaining ground in the politically-disenfranchised community of Witsend and has recently begun to build a netroots-movement. According to Therapist Bob, spokesperson for The Other Party and campaign advisor to Doc T. Paine, “Witsend is a mere microcosm of da politically disenfranchised and disengaged in da United States. Da Other Party will return da country back to where it belongs: To da People, mon! It’s time to bite da corporate hand dat has wrung our souls dry and get back to da roots of da people. Doc T. Paine and Da Other Party will take us to da Promised Land, da Land of Democracy, mon!”

Membership in The Other Party has grown exponentially since the 2004 presidential election and, as current polls indicate, looks to keep gaining ground among the disenfranchised. The Other Party’s mission, To Resurrect Democracy, has set the foundation for some of the underlying principles guiding the self-proclaimed, “Pro-Logic Party.” In a brief statement issued to the press, Doc T. Paine said, “The Other Party was founded to help flush the money out of the political campaign cesspool. Because the voices of Witsend don’t register on either of the two mainstream parties' monetary radar, we have been routinely ignored in the past presidential elections. We intend to run a netroots campaign that will redefine the nature of politicking, and when I become President of the United States, I intend to push for an amendment to the constitution that will draw a line in the political sand clearly separating the Political from the Corporate State.”

At the end of the announcement, The Other Party representatives declined answering questions hurled from the press corp arena, thus concluding the press conference.

To learn more about The Other Party presidential campaign, stay tuned to Witsend Here for an exclusive interview with Doc T. Paine and his debut column, Keep Off the Campaign Trail.

Interview: Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Catholic Rock 'n' Roll

2006-01-01T12:19:00.000-05:00

Saint Thomas and his Catholic Rock band, The Genuflectors, currently dominate the Catholic Rock charts and plan on kicking off their 2006 Ultimate Forgiveness Tour at The Confessional in Witsend. The Genuflectors began their careers as the house band at The Confessional, and with the success of their new CD, "Got Forgiveness?," the band is planning to branch out beyond their Witsend brethren, spreading their Catholic Rock influence across the nation. The title track surged to the top of the Catholic Rock charts in less than a week, and The Genuflectors round out the top five with “Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned…Again,” “The Ballad of John Kerry,” “Go to Hail, Mary,” and “God Hates Bureaucrats.” I was able to catch up with front man, Saint Thomas, at The Confessional where the band was preparing to kick off their tour with a New Year’s Eve gig. The neon sign hanging over The Confessional’s entrance, blinking “Protestants Welcome,” offered me a sense of comfort as I entered Saint Thomas’s musical sanctuary. I spotted Saint Thomas sitting in a booth adjacent to the bar. He was scribbling in a notebook and appeared to be in deep contemplation when I intervened.

Witsend Daily: What was the inspiration behind the idea of tapping into the unexplored niche of Catholic Rock?

Saint Thomas: Late one night, after playing a gig at The Confessional, I was having trouble falling asleep. I was still coming down from the rush of playing and feeling God’s energy flow through me. I’m telling you, it’s exhausting.

WD: I can only imagine.

ST: I was flipping through the channels on the tube when my thumb was struck with a temporary paralysis—divine intervention, if you will. My mind was wavering between the conscious and subconscious worlds when a commercial struck me. It was one of those late-night ads selling music compilations. You know, the ones selling a bunch of nostalgic one-hit wonders that sound good only when they’re all on one album and you’re already delirious with lack of sleep.

WD: Can I make a confession?

ST: (Looks around) Look where you are. We can go to one of the confessional booths if you’d prefer, or you can spill it right here.

WD: In a moment of weakness, I bought the “Greatest Love Songs of the ‘70s.”

ST: No worries, Brother Lindsey; you’re forgiven. I have the same CD. The commercial I'm speaking of, though, was advertising some Christian Rock “Best of…” compilation. And it wasn’t the words that moved me per se, but rather, the audience. There were clips of Christian Rock fans at concerts, the cameras panning the audience and capturing a sea of catatonic, glazed over looks in their devout eyes. I thought to myself, ‘Cha Ching!’ Their looks reminded me of Sunday mass when I was a kid and used to peek around the cathedral while genuflecting, catching wayward, yet deeply entranced looks of members who, like me, weren’t properly bowing down.

WD: Is this what inspired the band’s name?

ST: Yep. I always thought the Catholic Church to be too regimental, and I expressed this in my music while playing with my previous band, Witsend of the World. Our sound and the lyrics I wrote were too predictable, and that’s why we had trouble landing gigs.

WD: Your music, in particular your new album, has received mixed reviews from the critics. Some have embraced you, dubbing you The Patron Saint of Catholic Rock, while others have condemned your music, decrying it as blasphemous garbage.

ST: I’m flattered by the whole sainthood thing; it sure beats waiting around for word from the Vatican to trickle down. I bear no ill-will toward those who condemn my music. After all, it’s the whole forgiveness thing that underlies our songs.

WD: Did you know members from your own church have organized an event in which they plan on building a pyre with your albums, setting them afire on a wooden raft and casting them off into the Witsend Harbor?

ST: Yeah, I heard about it.

WD: If you could say anything to these people, what would it be?

ST: Thanks for buying my album.

WD: Fair enough. Because you labeled yourself Catholic Rock, any concerns that your audience will be too limited?

ST: Not really. Catholic Rockers are the target audience, but we hope to be a successful “crossover” band. We hope our music will cross over to other pop charts, and who knows, maybe someday we can land a hit on a Christian Rock chart. I also think our band will be a catalyst for musicians of other religions. Don’t be surprised to see Jewish, Muslim, or Mormon Rock bands carving out their own niche in the rock-'n'-roll world.

WD: Don’t you think these niches would compete against one another, and it could get ugly?

ST: The last thing I want is to start a Holy Rock War. Quite the opposite. Unlike politics and religion, I see music as a great leveler in our world. Music transcends borders and ignorance. In fact, we are building a solid Jewish fan base, and we’ve already booked a couple of synagogues on this upcoming tour.

WD: So what inspired this year’s Ultimate Forgiveness Tour?

ST: You’re a newspaper man; read the papers.

WD: Touché. Any final words you want to leave with our readers?

ST: Nothing my Boss hasn’t already told them.

"Witsend Here" Hails Hundredth Hit

2005-12-31T00:41:00.000-05:00

from Witsend’s What’s In - The staff of “Witsend Here” held a Where-Were-You-When-We-Rolled-Over-A-Hundred Party last night, commiserating the hundredth hit aboard a lavish yacht docked in the Witsend Harbor. T.M. Lindsey, founder of “Witsend Here” and publisher/editor of sister news source “Witsend Daily,” began the Witsend Here t-shirt (the gold-leaf lettering printed inside a five-pointed star) and blue-jean affair with a brief anecdote about his whereabouts when the site hit one-hundred. “I cannot tell a lie, I was at The Confessional (Witsend’s most popular drinking hole among the local intelligentsia),” he said as the crowd interrupted with laughter, “…working.” The crowd’s laughter escalated, eventually fading as Lindsey elaborated, “I was interviewing homebred rocker, Saint Thomas, when the bartender came to our table and whispered in my ear that he had just received a call that we broke a hundred.” The crowd roared with applause as T.M. lifted his plastic champagne glass in the air, signaling his genuine gratitude before quickly disposing of the glass’s contents.

T.M. followed up the applause with a brief speech he had composed on what appeared to be a cocktail napkin from The Confessional (the trademark rosary trim set against an evergreen background). “When we first started Witsend Here last week, we had no idea that it would take off so quickly. To reach a hundred hits this soon is an indescribable feeling, and makes me wonder where 'Witsend Here' will go next. At this rate, reaching 150 or 200 hits is certainly plausible, but none of this would’ve been possible if it weren’t for all of you, the citizens of Witsend, and all the loyal staff members who forwarded the site address to their equally loyal relatives.”

T.M. Lindsey stepped down from behind the lectern as other guests took the microphone and shared their Where-Were-You-When-We-Rolled-Over-a-Hundred stories, which ranged from praying for forgiveness and instant success at the Witsend Church for the Disenfranchised Souls, Inc., to painting toenails while watching The Hemp Bowl on local cable access television. Art Radley, local conspiracy theorist and author of Witsend Here’s sporatic column “Behind the Venetian Blinds,” gave a colorful, yet ambiguous account of his whereabouts, claiming he didn’t find out about the hundredth hit until the site had already hit 105.

The evening took an unexpected turn around the midnight hour when members from the National Security Agency stormed the yacht and demanded that everyone leave immediately, claiming the yacht had been illegally booked through a lobbyist working for Tom Delay.

-reported by Mandy Pamby (Witsend Daily's most reliable gossip columnist)

Witsend Coalition Urges Boycott of “King Kong”

2005-12-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

from Witsend Daily - A coalition calling themselves “Guerilla WarFair” has urged Witsendians to boycott the viewing of the nation’s number one box office movie, “King Kong,” decrying the film as exploitative and racist. The film began playing at the Witsend Mega-Complex two weeks ago with little fanfare, but has come under fire as of late when students in a Witsend University class, “Blaxploitation in American Film,” stoked the debate regarding the film’s racist overtones.

Guerilla WarFair is comprised of a myriad of local groups including the NAACP, SANS (Students Against Negative Stereotypes), PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) & PETG (People for the Ethical Treatment of Gorillas, a splinter group of PETA), the Witsend Human Rights Commission, and the Local Zookeepers & Pipe Fitters Union No.717.

The coalition is spearheaded by Dr. Jane Lee, a professor who teaches in the African-American Cultural Studies Department at Witsend University. Dr. Lee also teaches the class that helped fuel the controversy, and she first heard about the racist implications of “King Kong” when her graduate students broached the subject during the seminar. “I hadn’t even seen the movie," Lee said, "so all I could do was sit by and listen as the students presented their arguments. As an educator, I had no choice but to view the film that evening and they were right; the film is indeed racist.”

When asked to elaborate, Dr. Lee replied, “The film perpetuates a number of negative stereotypes that African Americans have been trying to shake since W.B. Griffith’s ‘Birth of a Nation’ hit the big screen. For starters, you have a white movie producer who wants to film the only unexploited territory in the world, “Skull Island,” and exploit this for his own fame and fortune in the film industry. The island’s aborigines are living caricatures of racist depictions in early American film. It’s as if they’re possessed by the white man’s devil; they dance and gyrate while their eyes roll in the backs of their heads. The entire Kong ritual scene, the sacrifice of the blond-haired and blue-eyed Aryan Princess to the black sexual savage, made me want to throw up.”

Dr. Lee further argues that the racial overtones spin into overdrive when the white movie producer helps convince the captain of the Venture to capture Kong and ship him back to the United States against his will, where he can be used to help replenish a scarcity of creativity in the film industry. “Sounds strikingly similar to the slavery movement to me. And the final scene is merely a rehashed incarnation of the white man’s fear of white women falling prey to a black sexual predator, only the white woman’s purity is saved when Kong is gunned down, in the back no less, by a squadron of planes and falls 101 floors to his death. The whole thing is disgusting.”

According to Jonathan Rand, another member of Guerilla WarFair and professor in the Art Department at Witsend University, “From an architectural point of view, the racism is pretty obvious, especially when considering the symbolism of the final scene. Here you have the Empire State Building, the tallest man-made building and phallic symbol in the world at the time, and you have Kong mounting the structure and climbing to the top with his sacrificial beauty clenched in his paw, only to fall to his tragic death while the white structure remains intact. To add insult to injury, the white damsel is reunited with the white writer atop the phallic structure, thus reasserting his white male dominance, albeit on the rebound. The real tragedy is that, thanks to institutionalized racism, Kong never had a chance.”

The filmmakers had no response to the racist implications, but the management at the Witsend Mega-Complex issued the following statement;“The movie, ‘King Kong,' is purely entertainment and nothing more. We stand behind the movie and will continue to show it in our theater.” Despite this attempt at atonement, the coalition has lined the sidewalk outside of the theater with protestors wielding signs such as “Racism Killed the Beast,” “Stop Gorillexploitation,” and other signs urging aboycott of the movie.

Guerilla WarFair has had some resistance in the Witsend community. People calling themselves Gorilla Love Godz and wearing t-shirts emblazoned with “Once You’ve had Gorilla/There’s No More Thor-illa,” staged a counterprotest. The group’s founder, Reginald Jackson, said Gorilla Love Godz was formed to embrace Kong’s death: “We need to see this tragedy for what it is and revere King Kong for what he stands for, a tragic sexual hero and martyr for our community.” Armed with a bullhorn, Jackson’s calls of “Long Live Kong!” prompted the Guerilla WarFair to pump their signs up and down in a unified defense while Gorilla Love Godz beat their chests and chimed in with Jackson, responding, “Long Live Kong!”

A Visit from Saint Dick, by R.K. Muse*

2005-12-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

The following poem was discovered on the make-shift stable walls of the "Nativity Scene" displayed on the lawn of Witsend's Mayor, Donald Lehman:

A Visit from Saint Dick

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the camp,
Not a conscience was stirring, not even a scamp.
The golden parachutes were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the NSA is still unaware.

The children were nestled all snug in feather beds
While visions of green Bens danced in their heads.
And Laura in her pajamas, and I in my blinders,
Had just settled our brains for another year of never-minders.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I stumbled with a flash,
Threw up the shutters and tore down the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen cash flow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my blindfolded eyes should appear,
But Air Force One, and eight yes-men of yesteryear.

When a little old pilot, so stoic and slick,
I knew in a moment it must be ol’ Saint Dick.
More stealth than bombers his courses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dobson! Now, Delay! Now, Frisk and Rumie!
On Scalia! On Roberts! On, on Rove and Condie!
To the top of the food chain! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all.”

As empty promises after the wild hurricane still fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, it’s time to say bye-bye.
So up to the rooftop of my inland mansion the coursers they flew,
With Air Force One full of good political cheer, and ol’ Saint Dick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a crash through the roof;
The prancing and pawing of each grubby little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down through the attic floor Saint Dick fell with a thunderous sound.

He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with sin and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had strapped on his back,
And he looked like a pirate, just opening his booty pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Prepared to unleash an arrow dipped in golden glow.

The stump of a cigar he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly corporate elf,
And I chuckled when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the chutes, then turned with a jerk.
And flipping his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up though the floorboards he rose!

He lumbered to Air Force One, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he flew out of sight,
“No worries, Lil’ George, what we did this year was right!”
__________________________________
*R.K. Muse is Witsend's first and only (de facto) Poet Laureate, since no other poet has stepped forward to make a claim on the literary title. Although no verification of R.K. Muse's existence has been verified through the Bureaucratic Regime, he has left a trail of poems in his mysterious wake. The poems have appeared all over Witsend, usually scribed in what appears to be a red, water-soluble paint. The CSI of Witsend has tested the paint, and their results contend the red dye is a mixture of animals' blood, which helps support the popular theory among Witsendians that his initials stand for "Road Kill" and his muse is inspired by the unsuspecting victims whose souls he releases during the night.

Trickle-Down Intelligent Design Flawed from Above

2005-12-23T00:43:00.000-05:00

The intelligent design movement took another step backward when Judge E. Jones III ruled against a Pennsylvania school board’s attempt to slip creationism into high school biology classes. Proponents of intelligent design contend that life forms are too complex to have been formed by natural processes (that’s evolution to the rest of us) and must have been the workings of a higher intelligence, preferably someone or thing whose intelligence quotient is greater than the cumulative I.Q. of the Dover School Board.

The staff at the Witsend Think Tank, TANKED THOUGHTS PARADOX, has chewed on the notion of “intelligent design” and has released the following BOTTOM-FEEDER FIVE:

If all life forms are a by-product of a higher intelligence, who in their right mind would’ve designed:

5. Bill O’Reilly

4. Anyone who genuinely believes that there’s no such thing as a stupid question

3. Jehovah’s Witnesses

2. The Illegitimate Child of Democracy, King George

1. Infomercial Actors

Hemp Bowl Lights Up Controversy

2005-12-22T13:19:00.000-05:00

Reported by the Witsend Daily

Despite the NCAA’s reluctance to sanction the first inaugural Hemp Bowl at Witsend University’s Idler Stadium, the bowl’s sponsors still intend to hold and promote the event. The winless Idlers have already accepted an invitation to play the game, although Hemp Bowl promoters have had difficulty finding an opponent. According to the Hemp Bowl’s founder and leading organizer, Barry Fitzwater, “We’ve sent out several invitations to prospective teams. We’re still waiting to hear back from any one of them.” The game was scheduled to be played on Christmas Day, which has only served to fuel the existing controversy.

Officials at the University of Witsend still support hosting the Hemp Bowl despite opposition among some members of the Witsend community. The main opposition group, Mothers Against Drug-Sponsored Bowl Games, have organized a protest against the impending event. Founder and leading advocate, Mary Watkins, vowed to put a halt to the Hemp Bowl due to its sponsors, Hemp Growers of America, claiming, “Everybody knows the active ingredient in marijuana comes from the Hemp plant, and as a mother, I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and watch a tax-funded institution promote drug usage through some football game.”

Sponsors were quick to point out that the public has a deep-seeded misunderstanding of the hemp plant and wants to educate the public through public service announcements that will be broadcasted throughout the game. Although, since the game is unsanctioned, it will not be televised on any of the major networks and will only be shown on a tape-delayed broadcast to be aired on the local Witsend Cable Access station.

Fitzwater defended the Hemp Bowl, responding to critics, “An individual would have to smoke nearly 400 pounds of the hemp plant to achieve the same effects produced by the THC found in one marijuana cigarette. Like roses and poinsettias, the hemp plant grows naturally from God’s earth–only the former have been accepted by society and honored with bowl titles. It’s only fitting that the hemp plant should receive the same consideration. I’d imagine if you smoked 400 pounds of roses or poinsettias, you’d probably feel the same effects achieved by smoking a bowl of marijuana, assuming you don’t pass out from hyperventilation beforehand.” Fitzwater also took issue with the double-standard sponsorship, noting that nobody has ever taken issue with events sponsored by alcohol. “We have no problem allowing beer companies to underwrite bowl games with advertising and merchandising, but heaven forbid advertising an industrial-strength fiber that could help resurrect our ailing farm industry - the very fiber of our country.”

Members of the Witsend business community have come out in support of hosting the Hemp Bowl, indicating the game will bring in outside revenue. Rory Patrick, president of the Witsend Business Association and proprietor of Witsend’s most popular drinking hole, The Confessional, noted “It would be a sin to turn away any potential revenue to our berg. Besides, the Hemp Bowl might just put Witsend back on the map.”

Potential sponsors of the Hemp Bowl, Little Debbie and Hostess, are waiting to see how the controversy pans out before committing funds to the event. Meanwhile, the Idler football team has been practicing as if they will indeed play on Christmas Day. According to Idler coach, Kurt Frye, “We can’t just sit around and wait for this controversy to blow over. We plan on playing regardless of the outcome, even if that means playing with ourselves.”

R.K. Muse: Witsend's Poet Laureate*

2005-12-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

The following sonnet, a parody of the opening scene of Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, was discovered descending the front steps of the Witsend Courthouse, each one of the fourteen steps tagged with a line from the poem while the title rested on the doorstep, serving as a doormat:

Corporate Hill: An Obituary

Two households, both alike in maladies
(In fair D.C., where we expose our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where Civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,
An illegitimate child was conceived:
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Tyranny behind veiled Democracy.

The fearful passage of sinister Acts
Resurrecting Crusades twice removed-
Spinning webs of mass deception sans facts,
While claiming thee Almighty hath approved.

The which, if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
_________________________________
*R.K. Muse is Witsend's first and only (de facto) Poet Laureate, since no other poet has stepped forward to make a claim on the literary title. Although no verification of R.K. Muse's existence has been verified through the Bureaucratic Regime, he has left a trail of poems in his mysterious wake. The poems have appeared all over Witsend, usually scribed in what appears to be a red, water-soluble paint. The CSI of Witsend has tested the paint, and their results contend the red dye is a mixture of animals' blood, which helps support the popular theory among Witsendians that his initials stand for "Road Kill" and his muse is inspired by the unsuspecting victims whose souls he releases during the night.

Bush Defends Secret Surveillance on Self

2005-12-18T23:06:00.000-05:00

SP - In an unprecedented move, Bush disclosed that he had ordered around-the-clock secret surveillance on himself, quickly defending his actions, "The activities conducted under this authorization have helped protect the American people, not to mention their Commander in Chief." When pressed by reporters about the violation of civil liberties, Bush responded, "In the 'War on Terror,' you can never be to sure who the enemy is, and I for one don't want to take any chances. Too much is at stake, and we must take any measures that will protect our freedoms."

Patty Hurston, Chairperson of the ACLU chapter in Witsend, claimed the President's actions are inexcusable, not to mention unconstitutional. "The President is headed wown a slippery slope, and before you know it, everybody will be spying on themselves. Americans will stop trusting themselves, and this is a dangerous precedent to set. Just because the President doesn't trust himself doesn't give him the power to violate this distrust."

Bush said his authority to approve what he called a "vital tool in our war against the terrorists" came from his constitutional powers as Commander in Chief. He said that he has personally signed off on reauthorizations more than thirty times, and nearly half of these authorizations involved increased surveillance of his whereabouts and the comings and goings of the Oval Office, Air Force One, and his ranch in Crawford, Texas. "The American people expect me to do everything in my power under our laws and Constitution to protect them and their civil liberties," Bush said. "And that is exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the President of the United States. Thousands of lives have already been saved due these security authorizations. I hate to imagine how many more people would've died on the global scale had I not approved surveillance on myself. As the security reports will show you, I shudder to imagine these catastrophic possibilities."

In a Witsend Daily poll,76% percent of respondents agreed that the President does indeed pose a viable threat to himself and should authorize secret surveillance upon himself. Forty six of Witsendians polled agreed that the President's authorization of secret surveillance on himself did not constitute a violation of civil liberties since he ordered it upon himself, although 97% said if they ordered the same surveillance on themselves, it would constitute a violation of civil liberties.

Witsend's Doc T. Paine, the Other Party's 2008 presidential hopeful, contended that anyone could authorize the Intelligence Community to spy on oneself, especially on the taxpayer's dollar. The bigger concern is whether or not the President actually reads the Intelligence gathered on himself. "Had he read this Intelligence in lieu of the faulty intelligence he used to authorize the war in Iraq, intelligence gathering would be one step closer to detaching itself from the oxymoronic family. And maybe, just maybe, this could be a more powerfull tool in combating metaphoric wars such as the 'War on Terror.'"

State Finally Divorces the Church

2005-12-18T00:59:00.000-05:00

SP - Witsend Municipal Divorce Court: The STATE vs. The CHURCH

After enduring over two-hundred years of being separated; The State and The Church finally made their separation official at the Witsend Municipal Divorce Court.

The case, presided over by Judge C. Meant, was brought forth by We the People who cited “irreconcilable difference” on behalf of their parents. “We the People have been torn for too long and can no longer be used as pawns by our parents, whose feud has spawned more illegitimate lawsuits than We can humanly fathom. We’d hoped the First Amendment would patch up preexisting hostilities between our parents, but the amendment’s vagueness has merely opened more metaphoric wounds, festering and spreading among Us like a cancerous crusade.”

Having taking sides with either The State or The Church during the lengthy separation of their parents, fire and brimstone filled the courtroom before the proceedings had even begun, forcing Honorable Judge C. Meant to step in and issue a decree, “I will not have the sanctity of this courtroom poisoned by these outbursts. Those of you representing The Church will be banished to the balcony during the proceedings while those representing The State will be regulated to the courtroom floor.” The Church reluctantly accepted the partisan Judge’s plea, rationalizing the balcony served to transcend them above the fray of ignorance, thus placing them one step closer to their respective deities.

Further rancor and brimstone ensued during the swearing-in process when The State refused to put its over-extended hand on The Bible and take the ceremonial oath, citing the oath would establish a precedent that would undermine its entire case. The Judge called for a recess and ordered The Court bailiff to beget a viable substitute that would appease The State. The Bailiff returned from the Witsend Historic Society, carrying the original framed copy of the Witsend Constitution underneath his arm. The document itself was obscured by a scratched Plexiglas window and hid behind the words, “Break In Case of Emergency,” spray painted in jagged blood-red letters across its body. The Judge’s gesture managed to simmer the fires, The State and The Church having been pacified – for the moment.

The fires were quickly resurrected during the custody battle when The Church took the offensive, accusing The State of repeatedly exposing We the People to its adulterous affair with The Corporation -- citing their relationship created an unhealthy environment for raising children.

The State countered that since they were separated the affair wasn’t technically adulterous, and they had done everything in their power to keep their affair hidden from We the People. “As far as we know, only the top one-percent of the financial community is aware of the intricacies of our relationship, and they seem quite pleased with how it’s matured over the years – both psychologically and monetarily.”

Upon hearing the final arguments and pleas by The State and The Church, Judge C. Meant retired to his chambers, the Court Bailiff trailing behind in his wake -- carting off a wheelbarrow filled with documents whose weight, ounce for ounce, would rival all revised drafts of The New Testament.

After a quick deliberation, the Judge returned to the bench and rendered his decision, “By the power granted me under the authority of the Witsend Municipal Divorce Court, I hereby decree the official separation of The State and The Church. Both parties will abide by the following terms of the decision…”

Recitation of the terms of the settlement, during which representatives of both parties nodded off as if caught in a sermonic crossfire, lasted longer than the actual proceedings. Some of the highlights of the decision included:
The State will no longer make a declaration of war in the name of God and must pay restitution to The Church for any previous wars, declared or otherwise, wherein God’s name was used to justify its actions.

The State must reimburse the Church for any taxes collected on monies won by anyone who accredited The Church for their winnings. In addition, any remaining post-tax revenue must be liquidated and donated to The Church.

The State will no longer include “In God We Trust” on the production of money, and The Church will take immediate possession of all monies inscribed with “In God We Trust.”

The State will remove the words “under God” and “indivisible from the Pledge of Allegiance.

For purposes of taxation, The State will no longer recognize any marriages bound and sealed by The Church.

With regard to the fate of We the People, The Court reached a split-custody decision -- granting The State full-custody of the Body, while The Church was awarded full domain over the Soul – although The Church was granted additional visitation rights of the Body on Sundays and alternating religious holidays.

After Judge C. Meant rendered The Court’s decision, The Church stormed out of the balcony seats with fire and brimstone deeply tattooed in their eyes, vowing they would appeal the decision to a higher, more reputable court.