Sunday, December 18, 2005

State Finally Divorces the Church

SP - Witsend Municipal Divorce Court: The STATE vs. The CHURCH

After enduring over two-hundred years of being separated; The State and The Church finally made their separation official at the Witsend Municipal Divorce Court.

The case, presided over by Judge C. Meant, was brought forth by We the People who cited “irreconcilable difference” on behalf of their parents. “We the People have been torn for too long and can no longer be used as pawns by our parents, whose feud has spawned more illegitimate lawsuits than We can humanly fathom. We’d hoped the First Amendment would patch up preexisting hostilities between our parents, but the amendment’s vagueness has merely opened more metaphoric wounds, festering and spreading among Us like a cancerous crusade.”

Having taking sides with either The State or The Church during the lengthy separation of their parents, fire and brimstone filled the courtroom before the proceedings had even begun, forcing Honorable Judge C. Meant to step in and issue a decree, “I will not have the sanctity of this courtroom poisoned by these outbursts. Those of you representing The Church will be banished to the balcony during the proceedings while those representing The State will be regulated to the courtroom floor.” The Church reluctantly accepted the partisan Judge’s plea, rationalizing the balcony served to transcend them above the fray of ignorance, thus placing them one step closer to their respective deities.

Further rancor and brimstone ensued during the swearing-in process when The State refused to put its over-extended hand on The Bible and take the ceremonial oath, citing the oath would establish a precedent that would undermine its entire case. The Judge called for a recess and ordered The Court bailiff to beget a viable substitute that would appease The State. The Bailiff returned from the Witsend Historic Society, carrying the original framed copy of the Witsend Constitution underneath his arm. The document itself was obscured by a scratched Plexiglas window and hid behind the words, “Break In Case of Emergency,” spray painted in jagged blood-red letters across its body. The Judge’s gesture managed to simmer the fires, The State and The Church having been pacified – for the moment.

The fires were quickly resurrected during the custody battle when The Church took the offensive, accusing The State of repeatedly exposing We the People to its adulterous affair with The Corporation -- citing their relationship created an unhealthy environment for raising children.

The State countered that since they were separated the affair wasn’t technically adulterous, and they had done everything in their power to keep their affair hidden from We the People. “As far as we know, only the top one-percent of the financial community is aware of the intricacies of our relationship, and they seem quite pleased with how it’s matured over the years – both psychologically and monetarily.”

Upon hearing the final arguments and pleas by The State and The Church, Judge C. Meant retired to his chambers, the Court Bailiff trailing behind in his wake -- carting off a wheelbarrow filled with documents whose weight, ounce for ounce, would rival all revised drafts of The New Testament.

After a quick deliberation, the Judge returned to the bench and rendered his decision, “By the power granted me under the authority of the Witsend Municipal Divorce Court, I hereby decree the official separation of The State and The Church. Both parties will abide by the following terms of the decision…”

Recitation of the terms of the settlement, during which representatives of both parties nodded off as if caught in a sermonic crossfire, lasted longer than the actual proceedings. Some of the highlights of the decision included:
The State will no longer make a declaration of war in the name of God and must pay restitution to The Church for any previous wars, declared or otherwise, wherein God’s name was used to justify its actions.

The State must reimburse the Church for any taxes collected on monies won by anyone who accredited The Church for their winnings. In addition, any remaining post-tax revenue must be liquidated and donated to The Church.

The State will no longer include “In God We Trust” on the production of money, and The Church will take immediate possession of all monies inscribed with “In God We Trust.”

The State will remove the words “under God” and “indivisible from the Pledge of Allegiance.

For purposes of taxation, The State will no longer recognize any marriages bound and sealed by The Church.

With regard to the fate of We the People, The Court reached a split-custody decision -- granting The State full-custody of the Body, while The Church was awarded full domain over the Soul – although The Church was granted additional visitation rights of the Body on Sundays and alternating religious holidays.

After Judge C. Meant rendered The Court’s decision, The Church stormed out of the balcony seats with fire and brimstone deeply tattooed in their eyes, vowing they would appeal the decision to a higher, more reputable court.

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