Monday, May 01, 2006

“A Day Without a Politician” Overshadows “A Day Without an Immigrant”

SP - A day that was supposed to be heralded as one of the biggest boycotts in history took an interesting, some say surreal, turn of events when all of the politicians simply disappeared. Not only did Mexican immigrants hold true to their word by boycotting the purchase of products and staying home from work en masse, but all the politicians disappeared from the political landscape as well. “It was unreal. Capital Hill was deserted,” said Tony Carter, a substitute valet at Capital Hill, who was filling in for Reuben Gonzales. “I was hoping to make bank on tips, but the parking garage stayed empty all day long. And I know damn well that most of them Congressmen ain’t Mexican.”

Some observers likened the streets of Washington, D.C., to that of a ghost town with the obligatory tumbleweed blowing across the street. “I felt like I was trapped on the movie set of ‘Westworld,’” said longtime resident Kathryn Beauchamps. “I was convinced Yul Brynner’s malfunctioning, robotic gunslinger character was going to step onto the scene any moment, blow his final head gasket, and declare war on the world. I’ve seen stranger things happen in D.C. lately. It’s getting harder to draw a fine line between science fiction and reality these days.”

Politicians outside of the D.C. area were not immune to the mass disappearance. News reports all over the country reported empty state houses, abandoned county seats, and frenzied lobbyists running around like beheaded Chicken Littles, spouting “the sky if falling."

Here are some other developments that trickled in over the SP wire:

-Fox News was reportedly unaffected by the disappearance of the politicians. “We had to shuffle around some of our live interview segments,” said spokesman Andrew Billingsworth. “The politicians’ disappearance actually provided us with more material. Since we pride ourselves on being connoisseurs of the speculation business, we had plenty to speculate about.”

-Paradoxically, by not passing any new legislation, Congress was actually more efficient and effective.

Helping celebrate "A Day Without a Politician," Bob Mould unplugs D.C. before leading the enthusiastic crowd in "We Shall Overcome."

-The money not spent by incumbent politicians in their reelection bids nearly quadrupled the money not spent by the Mexican immigrant boycott. “The Mexican population’s attempt to make a political statement about their economic viability was undermined by the politician’s disappearance,” said Ernest Gaines, Professor of Macroeconomics at Witsend University. “My calculations indicate our country would be better off without politicians than without Mexican immigrant workers. If politicians were to stay gone for 73 more days, our budget deficit would balance itself. Quite frankly, this puts a whole new spin on the debate of who should and shouldn’t be deported.”

-No new wars, military police actions, covert military coups, foreign occupations, illegal wiretappings, political finance scandals, or threats from psychotic foreign dictators were reported.

-Armed with semi-automatic assault rifles and pepper spray, a group calling themselves The D.C. Libertarian Front has surrounded the city, sealing it off to any politicians who attempt to return. The group is also considering amassing a reinforced steel fence, topped with constantina wire, around the entire city of D.C. as a means of keeping opportunistic politicians from returning to their lairs.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Protestors Fear Illegal Immigrants Will Steal Their Jobs

From Witsend Daily – As the hot-button issue, immigration reform, reaches a boiling point atop Corporate Hill’s backburner, Mexican immigrants (legal and illegal) have boiled over into the streets. The recent mass mobilization and impending work/product boycott on May 1st by Mexican immigrants and their sympathizers has spurned a ripple effect in the traditional protestor community. “Our days of forwarding online petitions and conducting virtual marches from the comfort of our homes are numbered,” said longtime Witsend protestor, Ed McPherson. “If we don’t watch out, the immigrants will steal our jobs from right underneath our virtual banners.” (see picture left)

The United States hasn’t seen a protest effort of this magnitude since protests against the Iraq War in European countries were aired on BBC news affiliates. “Watching the Mexican immigrants protesting and marching in the streets left my soul galvanized,” said Julie Adams, coordinator for T.R.W.B.B. (This Revolution Will be Broadbanded). “Half of me was proud to see the protestors taking a page right out of our history, while the other half feared my livelihood as an active protestor was in jeopardy.”

Fearing the Mexican immigrants will eventually steal their jobs, local protestors and activists in Witsend have begun mobilizing on the Internet and have organized a virtual counter-protest on the 1st of May. “We plan on taking our message to the Information Super Highway, and if this doesn’t wake people up, we may take to the actual streets,” said Adams. “If this means every twenty-something protestor is going to have to sacrifice spending a day in the basement apartment of his parents’ house, then damn it, that’s what has to be done. We have no other choice. Our backs are up against the firewall.”

Proponents of the Mexican immigrant protests movement contest the traditional protestors are over-exaggerating the effects of the recent mobilization. “Mexican immigrant protestors aren’t a threat to pre-existing legal protestors. They’re only doing what nobody else wants to do,” said Liam McHenry, spokesman for the Muckraker Border Crossing Security Department (a subdivision of Homeland Security). “Mexico is saturated with protestors. There’s nothing left to protest, so protestors have come to the United States in search of new opportunities to voice their dissent.”

MBCSD Agent Wolfgang O'Donnelly scans South Padre beaches for illegal immigrant protestors.

Sympathizers of Mexican immigrant protestors further contend that traditional protestors had numerous opportunities for dissent. “Where were they when the 2000 election was hijacked? Where were they when the Patriot Act sailed through Congress? Where were they when the war in Iraq was declared? Where were they when the president broke the law with illegal wire tapping?” said Maria Mendoza, an activist for immigrants’ rights. Alluding to a Robert Frost poem, Mendoza contends: “They had plenty of chances to take the road less traveled since 9/11, but they chose to take the Information Super Highway. And that has made all the difference.”

In an attempt to pacify illegal immigrant dissent, members of Congress are working on a “Guest Protestor” bill that would allow protestors from Mexico to come in during any hot-button issue and protest in the streets until the American public loses interest in the issue (roughly 2-3 business days*). Ironically, the “Guest Protestor” bill has only managed to stoke the illegal immigrant protestors’ fire, and unless the firewall comes crashing down, traditional protestors may end up becoming mere parodies of themselves: nostalgic remnants of the past.

*Gauged by Witsend Think Tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, the estimate has a 5-10% confidence interval and is co-dependent on what celebrities are in the press at the time.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Talk to the Invisible Hand

Invisible Hand addresses readers’ questions and concerns about economics and what really happens behind the free market walls. Invisible Hand is the son of Adam Smith and played an integral role in capitalism’s free market system until he became gainfully unemployed in 1986 – a direct result of trickle-down economics.

Dear Invisible Hand:

I've heard it said that a rising tide lifts all boats. Well, there ain't a whole lot of boats rising in my neighborhood, that's for sure. I saw on T.V. just the other day that 5.4 million more people have entered poverty since 2000. You sure can tell it around here. But the president says our economy is strong. Maybe the truth is, this particular tide is lifting only the yachts. What do you think?

Bitterly yours,
Sinking in New Orleans

Dear Sinking:

Declare war on Malibu! You’re correct, the tide is not only lifting yachts, but it’s been reported that some yachts have actually transcended the water in the Malibu Beach area. It’s up to you and your dispossessed peeps to trek across the country in a Joad-like caravan, invade Malibu, and commandeer the floating yachts back to the Gulf Coast. This will not only prompt the Federal government to take quick and decisive action (nobody messes with Malibu), but you can turn the yachts into gambling boats, and everyone knows gambling fixes every economic woe.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand

Dear Invisible Hand:

My husband and I work for a small business which, due to the exponential increases in health care, was forced to take away our health benefit package. We can no longer afford to work for this business, but we’re afraid to quit our jobs until we find new ones. Do you know a place we could work that will guarantee us health benefits?

Will Work for Health Care

Dear Will:


Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
Dear Mr. Hand:

I was all for the Bush tax cuts. I believed the president when he said that if people get to keep more of their own money, especially rich people, they'd invest it and create more jobs. From where I sit, though, it looks like those folks are creating more jobs in Bangladesh than here in Batesville. My husband worked at the local casket factory for over 30 years, and we thought we were doing pretty good. Nothing's for sure but death and taxes, right? (Or so we thought.) Out of the blue, the company just folded up shop and moved the whole operation to Asia—and Howard just two years away from retirement. The personnel lady said maybe the laid off workers could get retrained to do something else, like plumbing. I'll be the first to admit that a lot needs flushing around here, but how many plumbers does she think Batesville needs? Besides, by the time Harold gets through community college, he'll be 65 and lucky to get a job greeting plumbers at Wal-Mart.

What are we going to do? Since you are so smart, I thought you might have some ideas.

Yours truly,
Hopeless Housewife

Dear Hopeless:

The President did create more jobs, just not in the United States. I suggest you take your husband’s severance pay and put it all in one casket: invest all of it in the outsourced casket company. Imagine the new profit margin after the caskets go from a 1000% markup when manufactured in the U.S. to the 10,000% markup when manufactured overseas with sweatshop labor. Buy low before it’s too late.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand

Dear Señor Invisible:

We were so happy in Mexico about the NAFTA! Things weren't going so good for me on my leetle farm, you know? Your American farm subsidies were driving me out of business. But when the NAFTA come, so many American factories opened on the border, si? So me and my esposa, we sell the farm and move to Tijuana to seek our fortune making shirts! This work was not so good as we thought, and we missed our friends and family, but it was work, eh? Then, the Chinese say they make the shirts for less money, so the factories go to China! Me and Maria, we no longer have bad job making shirts, no longer have farm, no longer have nothing!

So I write to you, Señor, to ask a favor. I think that if I am fast, I can make it past the fat Minute Mens at the border, and I come to your house and you give me job. Si?

Your amigo,

Dear Jose:

If you were to make it to Witsend alive, I’m afraid I have nothing to offer. Thanks to Reaganomics, I’ve been gainfully unemployed since 1986. I don’t think working for the unemployed would be too lucrative for you and your wife. Although, if you’re willing to wait another 21 months, I know somebody in Crawford, Texas, who will be unemployed and who will need somebody who possesses a firmer grasp of the English language, such as yourself, to ghost write his autobiography.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
To test the free-market system and Invisible Hand’s expertise, please send your questions and/or scenarios to

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Breaking War News: The Second Coming of L. Ron Hubbard

From Witsend Here – The long-anticipated birth of TomKat and L. Ron Hubbard’s love child ended when their kitten, Suri, arrived on Tuesday. The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning “princess”, or in Persian, meaning “red rose.” Despite Scientologists claim that its members have reached a higher realm of truth than its earthly counterparts, it has yet to develop its own language.

Witsend Here Intelligence has picked up some bits of chatter from the Cruise Compound, but has yet to confirm whether or not the birthing tenets of the Church of Scientology were honored. The tenets demand that the mother remain completely calm, silent and drug free during the delivery. Intelligence did reveal some garbled baby screams, but after further analysis, the screams matched its alleged father’s voice patterns - which were previously recorded on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” when Cruise hopped up and down on Oprah’s couch like a born-again Thetan* and professed his love for Katie.

Tom Cruise reenacts Thetan mating ritual for Oprah, the same ritual used to ensnare Katie. Sources confirm this did not have the same effect on Oprah, and Oprah had ordered the couch to be torched after the shooting of the episode.

Witsend Intelligence is still gathering information as to whether or not Tom Cruise ate the placenta. Cruise had previously announced during an interview with “GQ Magazine”: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." Although he claimed he was only kidding, Intelligence has confirmed that Cruise is worried about L. Ron's reappearance, and eating the placenta will reduce Hubbard's Thetanic resurrection.

Despite her 7 pound 7 ounce stature, Suri, the Savior of Scientology, has inherited the heavy burdens of having Tom Crusie as her alleged father, a lifetime Scientolgy membership, and an integral role in the perpetual “War on Scientology.”

*Thetan: an immortal being in Scientology that has been reborn again and again and has lived trillions of years. Synonyms: Kenny (“South Park”), Jason (“Friday the 13th”), the Band of Bush Brothers, and Wyle E. Coyote.

"War on Scientology" Declares War on "War on Easter"

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

On April 11th of 2006, war was declared on Easter by Beyond Belief Media which launched a preemptive strike, dubbed “Operation Easter Sanity.” It’s obvious to my comrades in Witsend, D.C. (Dot Connectors) that this declared “War on Easter” is indeed a byproduct of the war propaganda machine – churned out by the Scientologists as a ploy to distract people from the only true war: the War on Scientology.

Similar to the early chapters of the Bible wherein there was a lot of begatin’ to be gotten, it appears the current trend of war declarations is making its rounds in the world. No sooner are two wars innocently k-i-s-s-i-n-g-ing in the tree, before another war arrives in the baby carriage. While Official Wars, along with their Baby Boomer brethren, brace for retirement (since an official war hasn’t been declared in the United States since WW II), it appears that Official Wars are destined to submit to their twilight years, when the real battle begins: choosing the right Medicare plan.

By proxy, Witsend is not immune to the current war declaration frenzy. Yes, Big Chief, I am an active member in the “War On Scientology” (check the tapes if you doubt me), and in response to Beyond Belief Media’s declaration and initial assault, it’s imperative that the “War on Scientology” recapture the spotlight and expose the “War on Easter” for what it truly is: an elaborate smokescreen. To clear the smoke and help people draw a clear distinction between the two wars, I’ve drawn up the following comparisons which highlight the differences between the two wars and their intended targets:

Easter: Byproduct of Christianity
Scientology: Byproduct of Science Fiction

Easter: Celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ
Scientology: Celebrates the perpetual resurrection of L. Ron Hubbard (who is currently occupying Tom Cruise’s pod)

Easter: Recognized and celebrated by several church denominations
Scientology: Recognized and honored by a few monetary denominations, special preference given to the Ben Franklins

Easter: Peter Cottontail
Scientology: Tom Cruise bobble-head doll

Film Propaganda
War on Easter: “The God Who Wasn’t There” – No. #1 best seller on’s independent documentaries list. The film is critical of the irrational beliefs of Christians and asserts that Jesus does not exist.
(see link in Creative Outpost for details/reviews)

War on Scientology: “Mission : Impossible II” – a subversive, yet allegorical film about IMF agent Ethan Hunt, who has been sent on a mission to retrieve and destroy the supply of a genetically created disease called “Chimera” (code for Christianity). But first, Agent Hunt must find “Bellerophon” (code for Scientology) which is a cure for “Chimera.” (I’ll let you connect the dots, dear reader.).

Preemptive Strike
War on Easter: “Operation Easter Sanity” – Armed with 666 DVDs of the documentary film, “The God Who Wasn’t There,” Easter insurgents, Beyond Belief Media, is covertly planning the film in churches throughout the United States.
War on Scientology: “Operation Enduring Tom Cruise” – plans to boycott Cruise’s new film, “Mission : Impossible III,” has been called forth by the Satirists.

When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…
Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

March Madness: Witsend Here’s Index for March 2006

Estimated number of U.S. workers who are college basketball fans: 58.5 million.

Estimated number of U.S. workers who think their boss should be outsourced to Tralfamadore*: 62.3 million.**

Average number of minutes employees spend on college basketball websites during March Madness: 13.5.

Estimated amount of productivity employers nationwide lost during March Madness: $3.8 billion.

Average number of minutes (per day) employees spend making fun of their bosses on the Web: 8.5.

Amount of productivity employers nationwide lost due to employees making fun of their bosses during the March Madness cycle: $66.4 billion.

Percentage of college students who told their parents they were going to help out with the Katrina aftermath during spring break: 13.

Percentage of these students who were found innebriated and washed up on a beach in South Padre, Texas: 19.

Percentage of these students who exposed themsleves to a “Girls Gone Wild” camera crew in Padre: 3.

Number of dumbfounded fathers who saw their daughters bare all while watching an Internet feed of “South Padre: Girls Gone Wild”: 1,365.

Percentage of these fathers who revealed this information to their wives: 0.

Number of times T.M. Lindsey satirized President Bush during Lent (before the Lenten sacrifice was sacrificed): 0.

Number of satiric punches T.M. Lindsey pulled during sacrificial period: 31,204.

Costs of the War in Iraq billed to U.S. taxpayers: $272,374,900,000.
(see running total on sidebar)

Costs of the War on Scientology billed to U.S. taxpayers: $000,000,000,000.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's girlfriend, Katie Holmes, is having L. Ron Hubbard's love-child: 53.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's is holding Katie Holmes against her will: 68.

Percentage of Amercians who support the War on Scientology: 88.

Amount of money it takes to get your foot in the Scientology door and take your first step across The Bridge of Total Freedom: $4000.

The 2006 HHS federal guidelines for poverty cut off for a person in a single household: $9,800.

Amount of money it takes to get your picture taken with President Bush at a Republican candidate fundraiser: $10,000.

*Planet named after inhabitants, of same name, who abducted Billy Pilgrim in Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five."

**This estimate includes undocumented workers who think Tralfamdore is an idyllic retirement community where retired C.E.O.s, donning golden parachutes procured through the exploitation of labor, fall from the sky.
This is Witsned Here’s Index for March 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

News from the War Front: Tom Cruise Denies Katie Holmes is Pregnant with L. Ron Hubbard’s Love Child

From Witsend Daily – Tom Cruise vehemently denied a report released by the non-partisan War on Scientology Commission which disclosed a number of authenticated artifacts that reveal Katie Holmes is carrying the love child of the late Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Tom Cruise quickly refuted the report, claiming it was a complete fabrication: “The report is sheer propaganda. It obviously grew out of the Satirists’ camp as a means of trying to undermine the Scientology war effort.” When asked to reveal his sources for this accusation, Cruise grew visibly angry and retorted, “I’m an Operating Thetan VII for Hubbard’s sake. The truth will always be revealed to me through Scientology. I am a conduit for the truth. I am the truth!”

The truth will reveal itself any day now. Katie’s safely tucked away from the war front, housed in an undisclosed Scientology cell. Meanwhile the alleged father is off promoting his new movie and, rest assured, comforting Katie from thousands of miles away. Members within the Scientology community have been debating whether or not Holmes will abide by the Scientology rules while giving birth. Scientologists have gathered outside Cruise and Holmes’s home with six-foot tall birthing boards, reminding Katie to remain quiet and drug free during the delivery. One sign read “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.” (Note this was the very same sign Scientologists used on the set of “Mission Impossible 3,” urging Cruise to be complicit and let the computer graphics do their "magic".)

Witsend Here and fellow satirists denied playing any role in the Commission’s report, propaganda or otherwise. “I’m not surprised by Cruise’s allegations,” said T.M. Lindsey, satiric war combatant. “This has been the modus operandi from the Scientologists since the war began. They claim they are the truth and deny anything contrary to the truth, and anyone who persists in claiming otherwise will face the Scientologist’s spiritual wrath of litigation lawyers. I have three words for Mr. Cruise and his misguided minions, ‘Bring ‘em on!’”

Serving an integral part of the “War on Scientology,” the Witsend Here Intelligence community managed to intercept negatives of Katie Holmes’s ultrasound. (see photo)The unborn child bore a striking resemblance to Kenny, a star in "South Park" who is killed in every episode, only to be resurrected for the next. This proved to be the key piece of evidence, thus solidifying the Commission’s findings that Katie is indeed harboring the unborn child of L. Ron Hubbard. The big question that still remains is whether the child will be indoctrinated into the world of Scientology, or will it be raised Catholic. The world waits while the “War on Scientology” pushes forward, silently and without pain of course.

Computer generated photo of what the love-child of L. Ron Hubbard via Katie Holmes will look like when it reaches full fruition.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

R.K. Muse’s Haiku Tribute to April Fools’

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
-Mark Twain

(Note to Reade: To help fuel the April Fools’ Spirit, be sure to do the ceremonial April Fools dance (improvise here) with the accompanied “April Fools!” battle cry.)
“Guest” Worker Program

Thank you for paying
Taxes to scrub our toilets.
Have a safe trip home.

Iraq on the Rocks

Shi’ites and Sunnis
Make great Molotov Cocktails;
There’s no Civil War.
Condi’s Kitchen: What’s in a number?

Tactical errors
By the thousands make tasty
Rice-a-Phony Soup.*

*Surgeon Generals Warning: Recommended that soup is spoon-fed and consumed in small quantities, thus reducing the risk of consciousness and possible awareness by the recipient.
R.K. Muse is Witsend's first and only (de facto) Poet Laureate, since no other poet has stepped forward to make a claim on the literary title. Although no verification of R.K. Muse's existence has been verified through the Bureaucratic Regime, he has left a trail of poems in his mysterious wake. The poems have appeared all over Witsend, usually scribed in what appears to be a red, water-soluble paint. The CSI of Witsend has tested the paint, and their results contend the red dye is a mixture of animals' blood, which helps support the popular theory among Witsendians that his initials stand for "Road Kill" and his muse is inspired by the unsuspecting victims whose souls he releases during the night.