Tuesday, April 11, 2006

March Madness: Witsend Here’s Index for March 2006

Estimated number of U.S. workers who are college basketball fans: 58.5 million.

Estimated number of U.S. workers who think their boss should be outsourced to Tralfamadore*: 62.3 million.**

Average number of minutes employees spend on college basketball websites during March Madness: 13.5.

Estimated amount of productivity employers nationwide lost during March Madness: $3.8 billion.

Average number of minutes (per day) employees spend making fun of their bosses on the Web: 8.5.

Amount of productivity employers nationwide lost due to employees making fun of their bosses during the March Madness cycle: $66.4 billion.

Percentage of college students who told their parents they were going to help out with the Katrina aftermath during spring break: 13.

Percentage of these students who were found innebriated and washed up on a beach in South Padre, Texas: 19.

Percentage of these students who exposed themsleves to a “Girls Gone Wild” camera crew in Padre: 3.

Number of dumbfounded fathers who saw their daughters bare all while watching an Internet feed of “South Padre: Girls Gone Wild”: 1,365.

Percentage of these fathers who revealed this information to their wives: 0.

Number of times T.M. Lindsey satirized President Bush during Lent (before the Lenten sacrifice was sacrificed): 0.

Number of satiric punches T.M. Lindsey pulled during sacrificial period: 31,204.

Costs of the War in Iraq billed to U.S. taxpayers: $272,374,900,000.
(see running total on sidebar)

Costs of the War on Scientology billed to U.S. taxpayers: $000,000,000,000.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's girlfriend, Katie Holmes, is having L. Ron Hubbard's love-child: 53.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's is holding Katie Holmes against her will: 68.

Percentage of Amercians who support the War on Scientology: 88.

Amount of money it takes to get your foot in the Scientology door and take your first step across The Bridge of Total Freedom: $4000.

The 2006 HHS federal guidelines for poverty cut off for a person in a single household: $9,800.

Amount of money it takes to get your picture taken with President Bush at a Republican candidate fundraiser: $10,000.

*Planet named after inhabitants, of same name, who abducted Billy Pilgrim in Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five."

**This estimate includes undocumented workers who think Tralfamdore is an idyllic retirement community where retired C.E.O.s, donning golden parachutes procured through the exploitation of labor, fall from the sky.
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This is Witsned Here’s Index for March 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of http://witsendhere.blogspot.com/, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.

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