Sunday, March 05, 2006

“Witsend Daily” Editor Sacrifices Bush for Lent

From Witsend Daily – On Ash Wednesday, “Witsend Daily” Managing Editor, T.M. Lindsey, dramatically announced he was giving up satirizing President Bush for the Lenten period of 40 days (44 including Sundays). Lindsey emerged from his office with ashen smudged across his forehead, mounted his secretary’s desk, and made the proclamation to the “Witsend Daily” staff, “Dearest colleagues, for too long I have binged on the infinite flaws of President Bush, who inevitably has become my satiric crutch. Whenever my satiric muse is stifled, I know I can turn to the President for salvation and wait for Him to speak, his words stoking the satiric fire. But no more; for I must retreat to the woods and purge my creative soul before my crutch consumes me.”

Dumbfounded by the proclamation, the “Witsend Daily” staff dropped everything and focused their collective energy on their boss’s proclamation. To honor Lindsey’s sacrifice, the staff created the “Bush-O-Meter,” counting down the days of the Lenten period and number of days T.M. Lindsey has gone without satirizing President Bush. (see sidebar)

Furthermore, the staff decided to get a pulse on what other members inside and outside the Witsend community were “giving up” for Lent:

Elijah T. Lindsey (“The Rev”), Reverend and C.E.O. of the Witsend Church for the Disenfranchised Souls, Inc.: “A perquisite of my higher calling demands that I don’t give up on anything and anyone. My brethren are made up of people who gave up, or who were given up on, so it’s essential I model this protocol.”

Karl Rove, White House Chief of Staff: “I’ve decided to give up my obsession with Hillary Rodham Clinton. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. When I should be thinking about how I can spread the fear of terrorists and homosexuals and how they’re destroying our way of life, all I can think of is Hillary dressed in a black mini skirt, hovering over me and talking down to me like a child, ‘Now Karl, there has to be another means of releasing your pent-up sexual idolatries.’ To honor the occasion, I tore down all of the Hillary Clinton pinups in my bedroom and quit sending her fan letters under the pseudonym, Johnny Walker, requesting her to send me an autographed picture of her in a red nightie.”

Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Guitar and front man for the Catholic Rock Group, “The Genuflectors”: “I’ve decided to give up sinning in general. Granted, I won’t have any good material to write songs about and risk losing touch with my Catholic Rock audience base, but maybe abstaining from sin might help give me a new mental slate. You know, something like a creative enema.”

Art Radley, Witsend’s Residential Conspiracy Theorist and alleged writer of syndicated column, “Behind the Venetian Blinds”: “Lent Schment. The Catholic Church has been using Lent to fuel the guilt machine, fuels the Sunday coiffeurs (notice that’s why Sundays don’t count as part of Lent: "cha ching!"), which keeps the Catholicism machine running. Name me five Catholics who actually withdrew into the woods and imitated the life of Jesus for 44 days, and I’ll name you five horny Catholics.”

Anonymous Pre-Seminary Student at Witsend Seminary Prep School: “I’m giving up all thoughts of homosexuality and any thought of a sexual nature that may serve as a gateway thought to homosexual thoughts.”


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