Sunday, February 12, 2006

Click, Click: Big Chief’s Listening to You


Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

I knew Big Chief was listening when the doublespeak cronies spun “Domestic Spying” into “Terrorist Surveillance.” What next: “Pre-Emptive Foreign Terrorist Surveillance”? Ever since the big towers fell, I knew Big Chief was listening in on my telephone conversations. I’m on to you, Big Chief. And now, dear reader, you will be too.

Top 5 Signals Big Chief is listening to you:

5. When you press star-69 and you get 911.

4. A continuous reel of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.,” a Psy. Ops. (Psychological Operations) favorite in the Democracy Crusades, is playing in the backdrop. (Note: Despite the song’s patriotic title/hook, the remaining lyrics in the song have influenced foreign people to pee on the American flag.)

3. Trust me, He is…

2. An ice cream truck is parked and idling on your street. Be especially wary if it’s after midnight or below freezing outside.

1. You click over to call waiting and a White House secretary invites you to go hunting with the Vice president. (Jesus, Dick! And I thought I was paranoid.)

Art’s Top 5 Big Chief Counter Intelligence Tools if you sense Big Chief is listening:

5. Every once in awhile, interject a non-sequitur statement to get them scribbling and hunting down false leads. (e.g. The moon is full and rises over the crisp desert.)

4. Never use your real name, but rather, adopt a handle from the porn industry (e.g. Deep Throat), and speak in your best Godfather-impersonation voice. (Don’t use “Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre.” That’s my handle, and Big Chief is already on to me. Besides, it's quite a mouthful.)

3. Speak in equivocal, heavy-handed metaphors (e.g. “Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work – and life.”).

2. Keep a downloaded copy of The Patriot Act (this alone will perk up Big Chief’s ears) next to the phone, and when you sense Big Chief is listening, begin reading the manuscript word for word, and I guarantee Big Chief will tune out by the fourth page (the average drop-off point for those who actually voted for it).

1. Never go hunting with Big Chief’s Dick.

When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…
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Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

5 Comments:

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