Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Witsend University Officials Urge Drinking Moderately While Absorbing the State of the Union Address

From Witsend Daily Members of The Binge Reality Project have pressured Witsend University officials to take a public stand against the harmful effects of the drinking game, “Buzzkill,” which centers around the State of the Union Address. Dean of Students, Ross Busch, said: “In no way do we support or condone any non-sanctioned activities associated with high-risk drinking. And we encourage any student, who is of the legal drinking age, to drink responsibly while watching the President’s address.”

The Binge Reality Project, a coalition comprised of Witsend University and Witsend/Witsend Heights community members, was formed in response to the surge of binge drinking in Witsend, especially among college students. “Most people in Witsend are completely unaware of the growing tradition of the drinking game, Buzzkill, and its harmful effects. Buzzkill may begin with the State of the Union Address, but the real “buzzkill” begins the day after. Its effects can last anywhere from a day to the next State of the Union Address, depending on the political fallout over the course of the next year.”

Buzzkill unofficially began in 2002 during President Bush’s first State of the Union Address, when Witsend University students gathered for a party and an impromptu drinking game ensued. According to Andy Sorenson, 7th-year senior and self-proclaimed President of the Witsend Buzzkill Society, the basic rules of the game involve choosing a list of words, or Buzzwords, and whenever the President says one during his address, participants are required to drink - the amount of each drink predetermined democratically by the assembled group. “Buzzkill has realty taken off in Witsend. I know more people who watch the State of the Union Address than the Superbowl. Buzzkill has helped make college the best four years of my life. My term as president of the Buzzkill Society has paralleled Bush, and I’m thinking of stretching out my undergraduate degree a couple more years and finish off with the Bushmeister.”

Witsend Buzzkill Society President, Andy Sorenson, at Last Years' State of the Union Buzzkill Assembly

This years’ Buzzwords were announced last Friday at the Witsend Buzzkill Society headquarters located in Sorenson’s unfinished basement: freedom, terror, fear, security, and the double-bonus buzzword, God. “We’re totally pumped about the buzzwords. We’ve poured through Bush’s speeches and quotes over the last year, and we’re expecting to see a lot of empty beer mugs come Tuesday night,” said Sorenson, adding: “A perfect compliment to the empty rhetoric served up by the Commander in Chief. And the beauty of Buzzkill is that you won’t remember anything he said the next day.”

Instructors at Witsend University have attempted to downplay the hype surrounding Buzzkill, although Political Science Professor, John M ontgomery, said: “The more you try to suppress it, the more likely students will do it. Maybe we should start suppressing the whole political process, and this might compel students to get actively involved. Similar to sex, if we started making politics taboo at an early age, youngsters might become more curious about politics and engage in political activity. The line between the two is already blurred for today’s youngsters. And like most cultural shifts, I’m sure there will be a group of naysayers who oppose political activity, claiming that political engagement at an early age will lead to political promiscuity. Tragically, Buzzkill is the closest most of my undergraduate students come to actually participating in the political process.”

University Officials had contacted The Witsend Buzzkill Society over the weekend, urging them to either modify the buzzwords, or maybe remove one of the words from the list. Sorenson said, “This is just another one of the administration’s attempts to take away our civil liberties. They strongly suggested we drop ‘freedom’ from the list. If we didn’t at least make the attempt, the official in question hinted that some of our freedoms might be hindered. What kind of crap is that?”

In response to the Buzzkill Society, Elaine Fitzsimmons, spokesperson for The Binge Reality Project, said: “They obviously cannot see anything beyond themselves. This is a classic symptom of high-risk drinking. If only they could see the harmful after-effects of Buzzkill. The number of verbal and physical assaults perpetrated on outspoken Democrats has nearly doubled every year since 2002. And this doesn’t include all of the unreported assaults committed; a lot of Democrats are just too ashamed to come forward.”

Local churches have also spoken out against Buzzkill, especially taking issue with this year’s double-bonus Buzzkill word, God. “To associate God with the drinking of alcohol is completely blasphemous,” said Father McCarthy of St. Mary’s Catholic Church of Witsend.

Binge Reality took their message to the source, contacting an agent representing Bush’s speech writing team and requested they not use any of the buzzwords. Speaking for her clients, Mary Jennings said, “I understand your dilemma, but removing those words would be catastrophic. I’ll have to give them (Witsend Buzzkill Society) credit; those boys have done their research. Although I haven’t seen the final draft of the President’s address, I’m certain those five words will be the cornerstone of his speech. Remove those, and the whole thing will fall apart. You might, just as well, ask the writers to omit all the modifiers; it would have the same effect.”


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