Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Other Party Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate: Doc T. Paine

from Witsend Daily – Witsend’s The Other Party made Doc T. Paine’s 2008 Presidential bid official, announcing at a press conference held Friday afternoon that its founder will be the party’s candidate and the next President of the United States of America.

The Other Party was established by Doc T. Paine in the wake of the 2000 Presidential Election when, armed with a bullhorn, Doc scaled the Witsend Courthouse stairs and boldly announced from the concrete mount, “Dear Citizens of Witsend, Democracy is dead!” Curious Witsend passersby and courthouse employees soon gathered on the steps as Doc T. Paine repeated his claim, eventually providing Doc with a viable audience to help fuel and further his new mission.

“The first step to resurrecting Democracy is admitting that it’s dead, so we can begin the recovery process. I can no longer live in a perpetual state of denial,” Doc said as his audience nodded their heads in apparent agreement. “I dreamt last night that a coyote was being chased by an infinite herd of elephants and donkeys. Fearing the pain of being trampled to death, the coyote led the masses to the top of a cliff, over which the elephants and donkeys plunged to their tragic deaths. Somehow the coyote had been miraculously spared. He stood at the edge of the cliff, cast a smile at me, looked me in the eye, and said, ‘It’s up to you to resurrect Democracy, Doc. But be careful of what you chase. It’s a long fall.’ With the latter statement, the coyote winked at me and leapt off the cliff’s edge. His fall jarred me from my slumber, and it was at this point that I knew I had been reborn.”

One week later, Doc T. Paine’s quest to resurrect democracy became more concrete when he founded The Other Party, Witsend’s Only Viable Political Party. At the grassroots level, The Other Party has been gaining ground in the politically-disenfranchised community of Witsend and has recently begun to build a netroots-movement. According to Therapist Bob, spokesperson for The Other Party and campaign advisor to Doc T. Paine, “Witsend is a mere microcosm of da politically disenfranchised and disengaged in da United States. Da Other Party will return da country back to where it belongs: To da People, mon! It’s time to bite da corporate hand dat has wrung our souls dry and get back to da roots of da people. Doc T. Paine and Da Other Party will take us to da Promised Land, da Land of Democracy, mon!”

Membership in The Other Party has grown exponentially since the 2004 presidential election and, as current polls indicate, looks to keep gaining ground among the disenfranchised. The Other Party’s mission, To Resurrect Democracy, has set the foundation for some of the underlying principles guiding the self-proclaimed, “Pro-Logic Party.” In a brief statement issued to the press, Doc T. Paine said, “The Other Party was founded to help flush the money out of the political campaign cesspool. Because the voices of Witsend don’t register on either of the two mainstream parties' monetary radar, we have been routinely ignored in the past presidential elections. We intend to run a netroots campaign that will redefine the nature of politicking, and when I become President of the United States, I intend to push for an amendment to the constitution that will draw a line in the political sand clearly separating the Political from the Corporate State.”

At the end of the announcement, The Other Party representatives declined answering questions hurled from the press corp arena, thus concluding the press conference.

To learn more about The Other Party presidential campaign, stay tuned to Witsend Here for an exclusive interview with Doc T. Paine and his debut column, Keep Off the Campaign Trail.


Post a Comment

<< Home