Saturday, December 31, 2005

"Witsend Here" Hails Hundredth Hit

from Witsend’s What’s In - The staff of “Witsend Here” held a Where-Were-You-When-We-Rolled-Over-A-Hundred Party last night, commiserating the hundredth hit aboard a lavish yacht docked in the Witsend Harbor. T.M. Lindsey, founder of “Witsend Here” and publisher/editor of sister news source “Witsend Daily,” began the Witsend Here t-shirt (the gold-leaf lettering printed inside a five-pointed star) and blue-jean affair with a brief anecdote about his whereabouts when the site hit one-hundred. “I cannot tell a lie, I was at The Confessional (Witsend’s most popular drinking hole among the local intelligentsia),” he said as the crowd interrupted with laughter, “…working.” The crowd’s laughter escalated, eventually fading as Lindsey elaborated, “I was interviewing homebred rocker, Saint Thomas, when the bartender came to our table and whispered in my ear that he had just received a call that we broke a hundred.” The crowd roared with applause as T.M. lifted his plastic champagne glass in the air, signaling his genuine gratitude before quickly disposing of the glass’s contents.

T.M. followed up the applause with a brief speech he had composed on what appeared to be a cocktail napkin from The Confessional (the trademark rosary trim set against an evergreen background). “When we first started Witsend Here last week, we had no idea that it would take off so quickly. To reach a hundred hits this soon is an indescribable feeling, and makes me wonder where 'Witsend Here' will go next. At this rate, reaching 150 or 200 hits is certainly plausible, but none of this would’ve been possible if it weren’t for all of you, the citizens of Witsend, and all the loyal staff members who forwarded the site address to their equally loyal relatives.”

T.M. Lindsey stepped down from behind the lectern as other guests took the microphone and shared their Where-Were-You-When-We-Rolled-Over-a-Hundred stories, which ranged from praying for forgiveness and instant success at the Witsend Church for the Disenfranchised Souls, Inc., to painting toenails while watching The Hemp Bowl on local cable access television. Art Radley, local conspiracy theorist and author of Witsend Here’s sporatic column “Behind the Venetian Blinds,” gave a colorful, yet ambiguous account of his whereabouts, claiming he didn’t find out about the hundredth hit until the site had already hit 105.

The evening took an unexpected turn around the midnight hour when members from the National Security Agency stormed the yacht and demanded that everyone leave immediately, claiming the yacht had been illegally booked through a lobbyist working for Tom Delay.
-reported by Mandy Pamby (Witsend Daily's most reliable gossip columnist)


Anonymous Eric Reynolds' Connecticut Friend said...

At the 100th hit party I was in Connecticut as the 77th annual City of Glastonbury Chanukah party. Where were you?

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