Hemp Bowl Lights Up Controversy

Reported by the Witsend Daily

Despite the NCAA’s reluctance to sanction the first inaugural Hemp Bowl at Witsend University’s Idler Stadium, the bowl’s sponsors still intend to hold and promote the event. The winless Idlers have already accepted an invitation to play the game, although Hemp Bowl promoters have had difficulty finding an opponent. According to the Hemp Bowl’s founder and leading organizer, Barry Fitzwater, “We’ve sent out several invitations to prospective teams. We’re still waiting to hear back from any one of them.” The game was scheduled to be played on Christmas Day, which has only served to fuel the existing controversy.

Officials at the University of Witsend still support hosting the Hemp Bowl despite opposition among some members of the Witsend community. The main opposition group, Mothers Against Drug-Sponsored Bowl Games, have organized a protest against the impending event. Founder and leading advocate, Mary Watkins, vowed to put a halt to the Hemp Bowl due to its sponsors, Hemp Growers of America, claiming, “Everybody knows the active ingredient in marijuana comes from the Hemp plant, and as a mother, I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and watch a tax-funded institution promote drug usage through some football game.”

Sponsors were quick to point out that the public has a deep-seeded misunderstanding of the hemp plant and wants to educate the public through public service announcements that will be broadcasted throughout the game. Although, since the game is unsanctioned, it will not be televised on any of the major networks and will only be shown on a tape-delayed broadcast to be aired on the local Witsend Cable Access station.

Fitzwater defended the Hemp Bowl, responding to critics, “An individual would have to smoke nearly 400 pounds of the hemp plant to achieve the same effects produced by the THC found in one marijuana cigarette. Like roses and poinsettias, the hemp plant grows naturally from God’s earth–only the former have been accepted by society and honored with bowl titles. It’s only fitting that the hemp plant should receive the same consideration. I’d imagine if you smoked 400 pounds of roses or poinsettias, you’d probably feel the same effects achieved by smoking a bowl of marijuana, assuming you don’t pass out from hyperventilation beforehand.” Fitzwater also took issue with the double-standard sponsorship, noting that nobody has ever taken issue with events sponsored by alcohol. “We have no problem allowing beer companies to underwrite bowl games with advertising and merchandising, but heaven forbid advertising an industrial-strength fiber that could help resurrect our ailing farm industry - the very fiber of our country.”

Members of the Witsend business community have come out in support of hosting the Hemp Bowl, indicating the game will bring in outside revenue. Rory Patrick, president of the Witsend Business Association and proprietor of Witsend’s most popular drinking hole, The Confessional, noted “It would be a sin to turn away any potential revenue to our berg. Besides, the Hemp Bowl might just put Witsend back on the map.”

Potential sponsors of the Hemp Bowl, Little Debbie and Hostess, are waiting to see how the controversy pans out before committing funds to the event. Meanwhile, the Idler football team has been practicing as if they will indeed play on Christmas Day. According to Idler coach, Kurt Frye, “We can’t just sit around and wait for this controversy to blow over. We plan on playing regardless of the outcome, even if that means playing with ourselves.”