Interview: Doc T. Paine, 2008 Presidential Candidate

The 2008 Presidential Campaign kicked off in Witsend when The Other Party officially announced on Friday that Doc T. Paine will be its candidate. With less than34 months until election day, The Other Party wasted no time unleashing their presidential hopeful and current frontrunner of the 2008 presidential race (according to a recent poll conducted by 'Witsend Daily"). Doc T. Paine granted "Witsend Daily" and "Witsend Here" exclusive first rights to the campaign. Doc T. Paine has claimed an office in the "Witsend Daily" building where he will run the initial stages of his presidential bid and continue writing his syndicated column, "Keep Off the Campaign Trail," which will continue running in the "Witsend Daily." I arranged to meet Doc at his new office and campaign headquarters. The office, previously occupied by the freelance obituary writer for the "Witsend Daily," is small and relatively barren, and Doc is standing on a chair and mounting a campaign sign baring the slogan “Know Paine, Know Gain” on the wall behind his desk.

Witsend Here: What compelled The Other Party to announce your candidacy so early?

Doc T. Paine: The political season no longer exists. It’s a myth. Like the Christmas-shopping season, the political season kept getting earlier and earlier to the point where it fused with the previous season, giving us the perpetual campaign.

WH: But two-and-a-half years?

DTP: If anything, I’m well behind the Republicrats. They’ve been campaigning since the day Democracy died in 2000. Ol’ What’s His Face and whoever fills his boots have been campaigning for president since the day he was inaugurated in 2001. This begs the question, “When an elected politician first steps foot in the office, who's running whom?"

WH: By ‘Ol What’s His Face? Do you mean President Bush?

DTP: No, I mean Ol’ What’s His Face. To name him would only further empower him. Besides, I don’t give free lip service to the competing party.

WH: Political pundits have already dismissed your candidacy, calling you a "Crackpot with a computer.”

DTP: I’m weary of anyone who calls himself, or herself, a pundit. Besides, I wouldn’t be the first crackpot to get elected to office, now would I?

WH: Pundits don’t view The Other Party as a viable political party, but rather, a P.A.C. (Political Action Committee).

DTP: I agree. The Other Party is a P.A.C., a Politically Active Coup. I find it interesting that pundits reduce the English language to acronyms when wielding their mighty pens. If they really cared about language and meaning, they would take a closer look at Political Action Committee, and observe that Political Action is an oxymoron. By definition, these two words cancel each other out, leaving us with Committee. And anyone who has served on a committee has seen political inaction at its finest. Committees are the life force of bureaucracy.

WH: The pundits have also questioned your credibility, especially when you claimed the day after the 2000 election, that you had a dream about a coyote who told you to resurrect democracy.

DTP: And how is this any less plausible than any other supernatural resurrection dream? God, your wife, a coyote - what difference does it make who told you to run? The puppet masters have a history of ignoring the message while crucifying the messenger. They should question the credibility of who's ultimately delivering the message.

WH: What do you mean?

DTP: Let me give you an analogy. The Son of Sam claimed demons spoke to him through his neighbor’s barking dogs and told him to go shoot innocent women to help ease his mental suffering. For killing six people, Berkowitz was sent to prison for the rest of his life. On the other hand, Ol’ What’s His Face claimed to be the messenger for God and that it was God’s will for us to liberate Iraq and help ease the Iraqis’ suffering. And thousands of soldier and civilian casualties later, Ol’ What’s His Face is reelected to office.

WH: Still not quite following; what’s your point?

DTP: We need to focus on the message, not the messenger. The benefit of having a coyote as a messenger is that I won’t use this as a crutch in my speeches. I would sound pretty ridiculous if I tried to justify my actions in a speech with coyote-laden rhetoric such as “It’s Coyote’s will…,” “Coyote willing…” or “It’s our duty to Coyote to preserve our Coyote-given freedoms....”

WH: Third parties have a poor record of attempting to defeat the two major parties…

DTP: There are two major parties? I though we only had the Incorporated Party, or what pundits would call the INC party. (laughs)

WH: How do you plan to take on these political and financial juggernauts?

DTP: We’re a netroots movement and intend to be a netroots revolution. Last I heard, excluding votes in Congress, votes cannot be bought. We won’t accept any monetary donations. We plan on using a barter system: a vote in exchange for a political voice.

WH: Sounds logical.

DTP: We are the Pro-Logic Party. We especially represent the disenfranchised who have nothing else to exchange. We will focus our efforts on voters whose voices have been silenced, you know, the other voting population who chooses not to exercise their rights on election day. And this is where The Other Party steps in.

WH: Any parting words of wisdom?

DTP: Just say no to pundits and know to Paine.