Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Poll Indicates Mattel is the Intelligent Designer

Final results of the first poll conducted by “Witsend Here” revealed that Mattel is the Intelligent Designer, claiming the dubious honor with 28% of the votes. Oprah and Yoda were a close second, each claiming a respective 22% of the vote count. Upon notification of the results, Mattel responded, “Duh.”

Up until this week, Oprah had a comfortable lead over Mattel, but the recent revelation by thesmokinggun.com revealed that an Oprah Book Club selection, “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey (a best-selling nonfiction memoir about Frey’s recollections of crack addiction and incarcerations), is "filled with fabrications, falsehoods, fakerry,” thus dampening Oprah’s bid for Intelligent Designer.

We tried to contact Yoda for an inverted comment, but discovered that Yoda is not taking any calls and has left the force off the hook since the premier of his latest film, “Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.” Disappointed by the results, pollsters for the runners-up united and began a write-in campaign, speculating that if Yoda and Oprah were to conceive a child together, the offspring would be the second coming of the Intelligent Designer.

Karl Rove and Jehovah finished a distant last in the poll, each claiming a modest 6%. Both candidates have managed to disappear from the media spotlight and could not be reached for comment. Although, the “Witsend Here” staff was able to contact Jehovah’s press agent who issued a statement, but because the statement was in Arabic, we were unable to translate it before the post deadline.

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