Witsend School Board Considers Outsourcing School District

From Witsend Daily – An unprecedented turn of events unfolded at last night’s school board meeting when board president, Elaine Plunkett, proposed looking into outsourcing the Witsend School District to India. “Financially, the Witsend Community School District is in dire straits, and if I may borrow from the Bard, ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures.'”

The school district has been operating in the red for the past four years, and none of the schools have achieved a level of proficiency since the enactment of the No Child Left Behind (NCLB) Act. The window for meeting the guidelines closes in August, meaning the Witsend schools will lose all of their federal funding as well. Addressing the board, since no community members were in attendance, Plunkett said, “We cannot wait for the feds to step in and take over our schools. We need to get proactive, and given the current global market, outsourcing our district makes good economic sense."

Plunkett outlined her plan, which involves moving the school district to one of three possible communities in India. All current teaching and support staff have the option of retaining their jobs in the transition, although yearly salaries will be greatly reduced to match the cost of living in India. Any vacancies will be open to the public, and unfilled positions will be either eliminated or filled by the local Indian population. Dr. F. B. Skinner, principal at Witsend High School, said, “I’m not sure how receptive teachers will be to this proposal. Some teachers are very resistant to moving to a new classroom, let alone another country. They can be extremely territorial.”

Possible site for new Witsend Community School District

Upon losing federal dollars, students will qualify for a voucher, and this can be used to cover relocation expenses. According to Plunkett, “The money we’ll save from not having to spend on testing under NCLB next year will finance the entire construction of the district, administrator and teacher salaries, the first year’s operating budget, and a textbook publishing company that will be staffed entirely by Indian employees. I’ve already been in contact with three perspective communities, and all of them are excited about the prospect of our district relocating in their community.”

Witsend Middle School Student Jena Alverson: "It could be cool. I've heard India is really nice."

School board member Pete Leff echoed Plunkett’s enthusiasm: “If the goal of a school district is to prepare students to be productive members of their respective communities, it only makes sense to move our district to India, since that’s where most of our kids’ parents' jobs were sent. They can be the next generation of workers. This definitely gives ‘No Child Left Behind’ a new spin.” The school board adjourned the meeting, making the outsourcing issue top priority at next week’s meeting. The board hopes to get feedback from the community, but if attendance over the past year serves as any indication, the board will be bouncing their ideas off the walls.