Monday, February 06, 2006

Bush’s Admission, “We’re Addicted to Oil!,” Fuels Membership Spike in Oil Addiction Anonymous Groups

From Witsend Daily – After fighting a losing battle with oil addiction, President Bush finally admitted defeat, outing himself in front of the entire world during his State of the Union Address. The President’s pulpit confessional encouraged other oil addicts, who were living in denial, to come out of the closet. “Our membership has more than doubled in less than three days,” said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend’s Oil Addicts Anonymous. “We tend to see a spike in membership whenever a high-profile oil addict outs himself, and it looks like we just hit the mother load.”

“The President has taken the first big step in the road to recovery,” said Carol Cummings, White House Rehabilitation Counselor. “Given the history of oil addiction in the Bush family, this is a monumental first step in breaking the endless cycle of addiction.” A byproduct of oil addicts, George W. Bush was born an “Oil Baby.” According to Cummings: “Since they’re born with oil already pumping through their veins, Oil Babies are especially challenging to break from the perpetual cycle of addiction. It’s hard to win a battle if you’re not even aware that you’re even fighting one, let alone implement The Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction*.”

President Bush emerging from stretch limousine after all-night oil binge

America’s addiction to oil has been around since its conception, but Oil Addicts Anonymous (O.A.A.) was not born until the late 1930s, when America struck a deal with their main supplier, Saudi Arabia. “The whole thing smacks of conspiracy,” said Art Radley, Witsend’s residential conspiracy theorist; “The United States and the automotive industry and the C.I.A. have been pumping oil into America since the Eisenhower Administration as a means of keeping the American people down by keeping them hooked.”

The Witsend chapter of O.A.A. is not the only group experiencing a membership spike since Bush’s coming-out party. The national spokesperson for O.A.A., Elizabeth Montgomery, said, “Bush’s admission is more symbolic than the Berlin Wall coming down and ending the Cold War. The wall of denial is starting to come down, a monumental occasion in bringing an end to the ‘War Against Oil.’ Membership has spiked all over the country. It’s only a matter of time before everyone is hooked on O.A.A. All of the media has fed our enthusiasm and we’re negotiating a celebrity endorsement contract with Earl Campbell, former running back of the now-defunct Houston Oilers.”

Earl Campbell (left) celebrating 2 years of sobriety at O.A.A. party for recovering oil addicts

Cummings said President Bush’s oil addiction recovery will take time; and to help protect national security, his recuperation will be top secret. Although Cumming did indicate that his rebirth will probably take a great deal longer than his Christian rebirth, adding: “These things take time. It doesn’t just happen overnight.”

*Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction

1. We admitted we were powerless over oil; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that an alternative power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to take back our will from O.P.E.C. (Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries) as we understood Them.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our homes, basements, attics, garages, motorized vehicles, arctic refuges, toilet tanks, unsuspecting third-word countries, and sandboxes – as a means of ensuring temptation had been extracted from our lives.
5. Admitted to ourselves, the Tin man from the “Wizard of Oz”, and to any human being - who was willing or paid to listen to the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We’re entirely ready to have practicing environmentalists remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked practicing environmentalists to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons, places, or things we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such persons, places, or things wherever possible, except when to do so would only hurt them or others due to additional consumption of oil.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it to anyone within walking distance.
11. Sought through an act of Congress to improve our conscious contract with the Petroleum God, as we understood Him, begging only for alternative energies and an occasional fix in the case of an oil pandemic.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to oil addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


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