Monday, February 27, 2006

Saudi Arabian Prince and Real Estate Mogul Purchases White House

The Satiric Press – Unbeknownst to President Bush and the rest of the White House residents, their humble abode was put on the market and sold to Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia for an undisclosed amount of money and political favors. The current tenants have 30 days to vacate the White House premises, or risk embarrassment and political suicide if a D.C. Deputy Sheriff were to show up and have the inhabitants removed.

President Bush was completely caught off guard by the news and wasn’t aware of the transaction until the deal had already been sealed. The President was informed about the sale and pending eviction by his wife, Laura, during his morning read aloud - a program piloted by the First Lady as a means of engaging adolescent males who are reluctant readers. “I had no idea our home had been sold until Laura read it aloud from the ‘Washington Post.’ I was under the impression that we still had close to three years left on our lease. Go figure.”

Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has a history of acquiring lavish properties and turning them into hotel resorts for the royal families of his homeland, and the White House has become the crown jewel of his collection. Initially, the Prince had considered renting the West Wing to the current tenants but changed his mind after a thorough credit check, when the Prince’s accountants discovered the tenants had built a trillion dollar debt since their White House stewardship began.

Within the hour, Bush informed the entire White House staff and live-in residents of the sale, and cautioned anyone from trying to sabotage the deal. “They have a saying back home in Texas, ‘A deal’s a deal, and any sum bitch who says otherwise had better keep one finger on the shotgun trigger.”

Critics and congress were less enthusiastic about the White House sale, especially when it was announced that the buyers were from Saudi Arabia. “How can the President allow this to happen?” asked Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. “The Saudis have a detailed history of human rights abuses, especially against women. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and let somebody exploit and abuse any woman within the White House walls.”

Other critics charge the sale is contradictory to Bush’s oral commitment to fight his oil addiction. “Selling the White House to oil kingpin, Prince Abdullah, brings the addiction closer to home,” said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend’s Oil Addicts Anonymous. “It’s like selling your estate to a crack dealer while you move into the servants’ quarters in the back yard.”

Senator Hillary went on the offensive, “Opening our borders, and worse, the doors to the White House to a country rooted in the ‘War on Terrorism’ is simply irresponsible, not to mention, it’s counterintuitive to our homeland security policies.”

President Bush defended his complacency and sleeping-with-the-enemy accusations, “Prince Abdullah and the Saudis have been our longtime friends and allies in the global ‘War on Terrorism.’ Sure we jumped into bed with the Saudis in the 1930s and planted our seeds of Democracy; and as a result, the Saudis bore the future terrorists, whose leaders we trained by the way, and now it’s our mission to unite together and kill our illegitimate children before they destroy our global family.”

Longtime allies and occasional companions, President Bush and Prince Abdullah, take a leisurely stroll along along White House garden path, where the Prince intends to build a wine-filled swimming pool.

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