Friday, March 10, 2006

“Burn” Fans Flames at Witsend’s Creative Guilds’ Idler Awards

From Witsend Daily – This year’s Idler Awards were presented at an exclusive ceremony at the historic Witsend Theater in downtown Witsend, and the big-budget blockbuster, “Burn”, was on fire, walking away from the carnage with three Idlers. It was a banner year for political films which swept all of the major categories. “Given all of the money spent on these films, it’s not too surprising,” said Jack Griffith, Witsend Creative Guild member and owner of the Witsend Theater. “When you have a captive audience which surpasses 200 million people, you’re bound to put out some quality films, especially when the films are financed by the audience being held captive.”

Best Picture: Burn

In a global community where all the countries are disconnected from one another and hatred continues to fuel the undercurrents of discrimination and racism, it takes a series of interconnected fires to bring the world together to make one really big fire. The film captures the intricate nuances of the fires as they spread across various Iraqi locations and consume one culture at a time, as infrastructures topple over one another like a series of dilapidated dominoes. The characters seek atonement in the film, but the film ends with a new fire, indicating the fires have gone full circle and will continue to burn. The film’s 260 billion dollar budget has broken the previous record set by “World War II” and continues to grow exponentially. Producers and investors hope to recuperate costs after the fires are extinguished, when they can begin the merchandising phase of its campaign for profit.

Best Actor: Elijah Jorgensen, The bin Laden Tapes

L.A. born method actor Elijah Jorgensen does a masterful job playing Osama bin Laden in the series of tapes released by the State Department. Critics and linguistic experts across the globe agree that Jorgensen has effectively captured all of bin Laden’s nuances, speech patterns, and facial tics. When asked what he felt about playing the evilest man in the world, Jorgensen responded, “In the world of acting, you don’t always get to pick your roles. Sometimes your roles pick you, and I feel blessed the State Department picked me to play their poster boy for evil and perpetual scapegoat in the ‘War on Terror’.”

Best Actress: Laura Bush, The Constant Stepford Wife

Laura Bush’s performance is phenomenal in the sense that it’s withstood the tests of time. Paying homage to the “Stepford Wives” role, not once has Laura stepped out of her robotic demeanor, which in turn is a true testament to the loyalty she’s ascribed to this role. With cameras zoomed in on her every move, Laura has redefined method acting as she eloquently maintains her robotic composure on and off the set. Her perpetual smile, empty stare, robotic gestures, and unyielding devotion and loyalty to her husband have left audiences wondering if Laura is indeed real. Laura accredits her southern upbringing for her success, “Growing up in the south, I was conditioned early on as to what it means to be a lady, and this conditioning has helped me land the perfect role.”

Best Supporting Actor: Jack Abramoff, Hustle and Flo'

Abramoff’s performance has stirred both controversy and fear among the rank-and-file Hos of the political world, garnering him the nickname “Political Pimp”. Jack’s support of the Republican Party has been unprecedented in film history, and his threat of “naming names” resurrects fond memories of McCarthyism. Bilking the Native Americans of money has been an American pastime since it was conceived, but hustling inevitably hit a lull when there was nothing left to bilk. But thanks to the rise of the gambling industry on reservations, Abramoff was able to step into the scene and exploit Native Americans, shifting the flow of dough to the back pockets of his stable o’ bitches in the Political Ho House.

Best Supporting Actress: Martha Alito, The Crying Game

Martha’s scripted display of waterworks and subsequent exeunt at Judge Alito’s Confirmation Hearings not only helped her husband garner a seat on the highest court of the land, but elicited an unprecedented number of apologies from senators, including Senator Lindsey Graham whose “closet bigot” comment cued the waterfalls. The Crying Game splashed the headlines of most of the major newspapers the following day, serving as a pivotal distraction to the public from the meaty issues that would make them cry. Bravo, Matha! Bravo!!

Best Director: Donald Rumsfeld, Burn

Despite the opposition of critics who contend anyone could’ve won the Idler for best director if he/she had been given the same budget Rumsfeld had at his disposal. Rumsfeld managed to rise from the ashes and take home this year’s Idler award for best director.

Director Donald Rumsfeld scouting Bahgdad locations to shoot his film, Burn

Original Screenplay: Burn

The screenplay for Burn broke all the rules of Hollywood screenwriting, relying primarily on improvisation and on-the-set script changes. Rumsfeld contends he had no idea where the script was headed before he began shooting his film. “I came in with a basic treatment, knowing that I could experiment on the set and let the shooting guide the script,” said Rumself when contacted about his Idler award. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised the script won an Idler for best screenplay, especially since the script has no ending. You may find this hard to believe, but I never even considered any possible endings before we began shooting.”

Director Rumsfeld informs Burn cast about script changes and recent cuts in costume budget.


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