Wednesday, April 05, 2006

News from the War Front: Tom Cruise Denies Katie Holmes is Pregnant with L. Ron Hubbard’s Love Child

From Witsend Daily – Tom Cruise vehemently denied a report released by the non-partisan War on Scientology Commission which disclosed a number of authenticated artifacts that reveal Katie Holmes is carrying the love child of the late Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Tom Cruise quickly refuted the report, claiming it was a complete fabrication: “The report is sheer propaganda. It obviously grew out of the Satirists’ camp as a means of trying to undermine the Scientology war effort.” When asked to reveal his sources for this accusation, Cruise grew visibly angry and retorted, “I’m an Operating Thetan VII for Hubbard’s sake. The truth will always be revealed to me through Scientology. I am a conduit for the truth. I am the truth!”

The truth will reveal itself any day now. Katie’s safely tucked away from the war front, housed in an undisclosed Scientology cell. Meanwhile the alleged father is off promoting his new movie and, rest assured, comforting Katie from thousands of miles away. Members within the Scientology community have been debating whether or not Holmes will abide by the Scientology rules while giving birth. Scientologists have gathered outside Cruise and Holmes’s home with six-foot tall birthing boards, reminding Katie to remain quiet and drug free during the delivery. One sign read “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.” (Note this was the very same sign Scientologists used on the set of “Mission Impossible 3,” urging Cruise to be complicit and let the computer graphics do their "magic".)

Witsend Here and fellow satirists denied playing any role in the Commission’s report, propaganda or otherwise. “I’m not surprised by Cruise’s allegations,” said T.M. Lindsey, satiric war combatant. “This has been the modus operandi from the Scientologists since the war began. They claim they are the truth and deny anything contrary to the truth, and anyone who persists in claiming otherwise will face the Scientologist’s spiritual wrath of litigation lawyers. I have three words for Mr. Cruise and his misguided minions, ‘Bring ‘em on!’”

Serving an integral part of the “War on Scientology,” the Witsend Here Intelligence community managed to intercept negatives of Katie Holmes’s ultrasound. (see photo)The unborn child bore a striking resemblance to Kenny, a star in "South Park" who is killed in every episode, only to be resurrected for the next. This proved to be the key piece of evidence, thus solidifying the Commission’s findings that Katie is indeed harboring the unborn child of L. Ron Hubbard. The big question that still remains is whether the child will be indoctrinated into the world of Scientology, or will it be raised Catholic. The world waits while the “War on Scientology” pushes forward, silently and without pain of course.

Computer generated photo of what the love-child of L. Ron Hubbard via Katie Holmes will look like when it reaches full fruition.

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