Sunday, March 26, 2006


From Witsend Daily – When the creators of “South Park,” Matt Stone and Trey Parker, recently declared "War on Scientology," the founder of “Witsend Here,” T.M. Lindsey, felt there was no other choice but to join his satiric brethren by unofficially declaring war.

“There are no lines drawn in the world of satire, and our Intelligence informs us that Scientologists not only possess the necessary means and capabilities for drawing lines, but they intend to do so,” said Lindsey. “Consequently, it’s imperative for us (Witsend Here) to preemptively strike before the Scientologists, in their quest to monopolize ‘the truth’ and our way of life, unleash their lines on the free world of satire.”

South Park's declaration of war came after a planned rebroadcast satirizing Scientology and its most renown member, Tom Cruise, was abruptly pulled by Viacom. Viacom owns Comedy Central, as well as Tom Cruise's soon-to-be-released film, "Mission Impossible 3."

T.M. Lindsey's Intelligence also revealed that the Scientologists did indeed draw first blood by threatening to discontinue Isaac Hayes’ “auditing” (a regressive-therapy technique which involves re-experiencing incidents in one’s past life in order to erase their “engrams,” or psychic scars), thus sabotaging Isaac’s “Bridge to Total Freedom” (path to Scientology enlightenment). These threats began after the episode in question originally aired on Comedy Central (click for clip). Because of the threats, Isaac Hayes, who plays the voice of Chef, an oversexed and overweight African American chef in the South Park Elementary cafeteria, had been admitted to the hospital for “exhaustion.” Two months later, Isaac Hayes quit the show, accusing it of “religious bigotry.”

The Scientologists may have “neutralized” Chef for the time being, but South Park returned fire with its season opener which briefly resurrected Chef only so his animated figure could be struck by lightening, impaled, shot, mauled by a mountain lion, eaten by a grizzly bear, and accused of being a child molester. Despite the self-sacrificial effigy, Kyle urges South Park residents to remember Chef as he was, before the brainwashing. “If there’s to be any anger, don’t direct it at the beloved cafeteria worker…We should be mad at the fruity little club for scrambling his brain.”

Witsend Here will use the following strategy to help win the "War on Scientology." Each step will be unveiled in greater detail as the war itself unfolds.

Witsend Here’s War Strategy:

The Seven Deadly Steps for Winning the “War on Scientology”

Step I (Pride): Creating a case for war

Step II (Lust): Arousing the Troops with W.M.D.s (Words of Mass Destruction)

Step III (Envy): Engaging the Enemy Within

Step IV (Wrath): Destroying the Enemy

Step V (Greed): Learning About the Enemy and Why They Hate ‘Us’

Step VI (Gluttony): Stay the Course: Repeat Steps II-V until the War is Won

Step VII (Sloth): Implement Exit Strategy (Optional)

Coming Soon: A reader’s guide to understanding the “War on Scientology,” and Step I of the war strategy…


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