Thursday, March 30, 2006

Breaking War News: T.M. Lindsey Suspends Lenten Sacrifice of Bush

From Witsend Daily – T.M. Lindsey called a press conference early this morning to announce that due to the “War on Scientology,” he’s suspended his Lenten sacrifice of satirizing President Bush, indefinitely. “Everything has changed since the ‘War on Scientology’ began. Thanks to Scientologists and their unwarranted attacks, life in Witsend will never be the same,” said Lindsey. “We’re in a state of war, and I’ll need every possible weapon at my disposal, and this means sacrificing or suspending any laws, restrictions, civil liberties, or iota of common sense that may jeopardize our mission.”

Some members of the “Witsend Daily” staff felt relieved by the announcement. “A lot of people don’t realize what a huge sacrifice T.M. made when he swore off satirizing Bush for Lent,” said Kelly O’Reilly, Lindsey’s personal assistant. “The sacrifice affected T.M. both mentally and physically. Resisting the infinite satiric possibilities, which grew exponentially every time the President opened his mouth, inevitably took its toll on T.M. during the past four weeks. All he could do was stand by, helplessly, and bite his tongue. It got so bad during the third week of Lent that T.M. had to have surgery on his tongue, repairing the damaged tissues and exfoliating the bad taste left in his mouth from this whole ordeal. We’re very fortunate a war came along to save him from any more hardships.”

Other staff members were a little disappointed the moratorium had been lifted, especially those directly involved with the daily upkeep of the “Bush-O-Meter.” One member, who wished to remain anonymous, said “The Bush-O-Meter had become an integral part of my life. Knowing that I was responsible for updating this every day gave me a sense of purpose, a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I felt like T.M.’s sacrifice had become my sacrifice. It really brought our staff closer together. I feel we’re truly united now, and I hope a united stand against Scientology will bring us even closer together.” Plans for replacing the Bush-O-Meter are already in the works,* and this should help maintain the high morale among the Witsend Here staff during its initial war preparations.

Critics of Lindsey’s announcement contend that while it’s important to protect readers in a time of war, sacrificing one’s integrity to do so will prove to be counter productive. “If T.M. can’t even fulfill a commitment to himself, how can he possibly keep a promise to his readers?” said Cindy Heon, an outspoken member of the Empty Rhetoric Disarmament League.

A photo of Cindy Heon, taken by her Scientology captors just prior to her release from a Scientologist half-way cell in Clearwater, Florida. The photo was procured by Witsend Here Intelligence.

In response to his critics, Lindsey released a brief statement:

The War on Scientology goes well beyond me, and to question my integrity is to question the integrity of the war, which begs the question: Are you with us, or are you with them?

*Because Witsend Here wants the “War on Scientology” to be an interactive war, we encourage you to participate and help us decide what O-Meter slogan we should adopt for the war effort. (see poll and exercise your right to vote, or you may submit your own suggestion via e-mail).

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