Monday, May 01, 2006

“A Day Without a Politician” Overshadows “A Day Without an Immigrant”

SP - A day that was supposed to be heralded as one of the biggest boycotts in history took an interesting, some say surreal, turn of events when all of the politicians simply disappeared. Not only did Mexican immigrants hold true to their word by boycotting the purchase of products and staying home from work en masse, but all the politicians disappeared from the political landscape as well. “It was unreal. Capital Hill was deserted,” said Tony Carter, a substitute valet at Capital Hill, who was filling in for Reuben Gonzales. “I was hoping to make bank on tips, but the parking garage stayed empty all day long. And I know damn well that most of them Congressmen ain’t Mexican.”

Some observers likened the streets of Washington, D.C., to that of a ghost town with the obligatory tumbleweed blowing across the street. “I felt like I was trapped on the movie set of ‘Westworld,’” said longtime resident Kathryn Beauchamps. “I was convinced Yul Brynner’s malfunctioning, robotic gunslinger character was going to step onto the scene any moment, blow his final head gasket, and declare war on the world. I’ve seen stranger things happen in D.C. lately. It’s getting harder to draw a fine line between science fiction and reality these days.”

Politicians outside of the D.C. area were not immune to the mass disappearance. News reports all over the country reported empty state houses, abandoned county seats, and frenzied lobbyists running around like beheaded Chicken Littles, spouting “the sky if falling."

Here are some other developments that trickled in over the SP wire:

-Fox News was reportedly unaffected by the disappearance of the politicians. “We had to shuffle around some of our live interview segments,” said spokesman Andrew Billingsworth. “The politicians’ disappearance actually provided us with more material. Since we pride ourselves on being connoisseurs of the speculation business, we had plenty to speculate about.”

-Paradoxically, by not passing any new legislation, Congress was actually more efficient and effective.

Helping celebrate "A Day Without a Politician," Bob Mould unplugs D.C. before leading the enthusiastic crowd in "We Shall Overcome."

-The money not spent by incumbent politicians in their reelection bids nearly quadrupled the money not spent by the Mexican immigrant boycott. “The Mexican population’s attempt to make a political statement about their economic viability was undermined by the politician’s disappearance,” said Ernest Gaines, Professor of Macroeconomics at Witsend University. “My calculations indicate our country would be better off without politicians than without Mexican immigrant workers. If politicians were to stay gone for 73 more days, our budget deficit would balance itself. Quite frankly, this puts a whole new spin on the debate of who should and shouldn’t be deported.”

-No new wars, military police actions, covert military coups, foreign occupations, illegal wiretappings, political finance scandals, or threats from psychotic foreign dictators were reported.

-Armed with semi-automatic assault rifles and pepper spray, a group calling themselves The D.C. Libertarian Front has surrounded the city, sealing it off to any politicians who attempt to return. The group is also considering amassing a reinforced steel fence, topped with constantina wire, around the entire city of D.C. as a means of keeping opportunistic politicians from returning to their lairs.