Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Protestors Fear Illegal Immigrants Will Steal Their Jobs

From Witsend Daily – As the hot-button issue, immigration reform, reaches a boiling point atop Corporate Hill’s backburner, Mexican immigrants (legal and illegal) have boiled over into the streets. The recent mass mobilization and impending work/product boycott on May 1st by Mexican immigrants and their sympathizers has spurned a ripple effect in the traditional protestor community. “Our days of forwarding online petitions and conducting virtual marches from the comfort of our homes are numbered,” said longtime Witsend protestor, Ed McPherson. “If we don’t watch out, the immigrants will steal our jobs from right underneath our virtual banners.” (see picture left)

The United States hasn’t seen a protest effort of this magnitude since protests against the Iraq War in European countries were aired on BBC news affiliates. “Watching the Mexican immigrants protesting and marching in the streets left my soul galvanized,” said Julie Adams, coordinator for T.R.W.B.B. (This Revolution Will be Broadbanded). “Half of me was proud to see the protestors taking a page right out of our history, while the other half feared my livelihood as an active protestor was in jeopardy.”

Fearing the Mexican immigrants will eventually steal their jobs, local protestors and activists in Witsend have begun mobilizing on the Internet and have organized a virtual counter-protest on the 1st of May. “We plan on taking our message to the Information Super Highway, and if this doesn’t wake people up, we may take to the actual streets,” said Adams. “If this means every twenty-something protestor is going to have to sacrifice spending a day in the basement apartment of his parents’ house, then damn it, that’s what has to be done. We have no other choice. Our backs are up against the firewall.”

Proponents of the Mexican immigrant protests movement contest the traditional protestors are over-exaggerating the effects of the recent mobilization. “Mexican immigrant protestors aren’t a threat to pre-existing legal protestors. They’re only doing what nobody else wants to do,” said Liam McHenry, spokesman for the Muckraker Border Crossing Security Department (a subdivision of Homeland Security). “Mexico is saturated with protestors. There’s nothing left to protest, so protestors have come to the United States in search of new opportunities to voice their dissent.”

MBCSD Agent Wolfgang O'Donnelly scans South Padre beaches for illegal immigrant protestors.

Sympathizers of Mexican immigrant protestors further contend that traditional protestors had numerous opportunities for dissent. “Where were they when the 2000 election was hijacked? Where were they when the Patriot Act sailed through Congress? Where were they when the war in Iraq was declared? Where were they when the president broke the law with illegal wire tapping?” said Maria Mendoza, an activist for immigrants’ rights. Alluding to a Robert Frost poem, Mendoza contends: “They had plenty of chances to take the road less traveled since 9/11, but they chose to take the Information Super Highway. And that has made all the difference.”

In an attempt to pacify illegal immigrant dissent, members of Congress are working on a “Guest Protestor” bill that would allow protestors from Mexico to come in during any hot-button issue and protest in the streets until the American public loses interest in the issue (roughly 2-3 business days*). Ironically, the “Guest Protestor” bill has only managed to stoke the illegal immigrant protestors’ fire, and unless the firewall comes crashing down, traditional protestors may end up becoming mere parodies of themselves: nostalgic remnants of the past.

*Gauged by Witsend Think Tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, the estimate has a 5-10% confidence interval and is co-dependent on what celebrities are in the press at the time.

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