Breaking War News: The Second Coming of L. Ron Hubbard

From Witsend Here – The long-anticipated birth of TomKat and L. Ron Hubbard’s love child ended when their kitten, Suri, arrived on Tuesday. The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning “princess”, or in Persian, meaning “red rose.” Despite Scientologists claim that its members have reached a higher realm of truth than its earthly counterparts, it has yet to develop its own language.

Witsend Here Intelligence has picked up some bits of chatter from the Cruise Compound, but has yet to confirm whether or not the birthing tenets of the Church of Scientology were honored. The tenets demand that the mother remain completely calm, silent and drug free during the delivery. Intelligence did reveal some garbled baby screams, but after further analysis, the screams matched its alleged father’s voice patterns - which were previously recorded on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” when Cruise hopped up and down on Oprah’s couch like a born-again Thetan* and professed his love for Katie.

Tom Cruise reenacts Thetan mating ritual for Oprah, the same ritual used to ensnare Katie. Sources confirm this did not have the same effect on Oprah, and Oprah had ordered the couch to be torched after the shooting of the episode.

Witsend Intelligence is still gathering information as to whether or not Tom Cruise ate the placenta. Cruise had previously announced during an interview with “GQ Magazine”: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." Although he claimed he was only kidding, Intelligence has confirmed that Cruise is worried about L. Ron's reappearance, and eating the placenta will reduce Hubbard's Thetanic resurrection.

Despite her 7 pound 7 ounce stature, Suri, the Savior of Scientology, has inherited the heavy burdens of having Tom Crusie as her alleged father, a lifetime Scientolgy membership, and an integral role in the perpetual “War on Scientology.”

*Thetan: an immortal being in Scientology that has been reborn again and again and has lived trillions of years. Synonyms: Kenny (“South Park”), Jason (“Friday the 13th”), the Band of Bush Brothers, and Wyle E. Coyote.