“Da Vinci Code” Defrocks Holy Bible from Top Fiction Spot

From Witsend Daily – After spending over twenty years as the No. 1 fiction book on the Witsend Creative Outpost’s Catholic Bestseller List, “The Holy Bible” had to step aside and make room for Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code.” “The Bible had a good run,” said Gale Simpkins, sales manager at the Creative Outpost, “but it was only a matter of time before a new piece of fiction ignited the imaginations of our Catholic readership. “Da Vinci Code” is a bookselling phenomenon, clearly blessed by Saint John of God-patron saint of booksellers. It has nearly doubled the sales of the No. 1 non-fiction book, ‘Catholicism for Dummies,’ on the Catholic Bestseller List.”

Not all of the Catholic community has been receptive to the “Da Vinci Code’s” monetary prowess in the literary world. The book was eventually denounced by the Vatican when Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, archbishop of Genoa, broke the Vatican's virtual silence on the book and told Vatican Radio that nobody should read it and certainly Catholic bookstores should stop selling it. "There's a big anti-Catholic prejudice. It aims to discredit the church and its history through gross and absurd manipulations."

Cardinal Bertone: "Da 'Da Vinci Code' is full of nothing but da fiction."

Father Lawrence of Witsend’s St. Francis de Sales Catholic Church echoed Bertone’s denunciation: “In the wake of the sex-abuse scandals, we’ve had enough trouble protecting the image of the Catholic Church. The last thing we need is anti-Catholic propaganda spreading through the world of fiction. In today’s literary world, writers have no scruples when it comes to making things up and pawning it off as fiction. It’s simply blasphemous.”

Sister Dymphna, a literature teacher at the Parochial School of Witsend, contends there is a more disturbing issue to worry about than the “Da Vinci Code.” “I’m more concerned about the Bible being placed on the fiction list. We’ve been trying to have ‘The Bible’ moved to the non-fiction list ever since the list’s inception. For the past twenty years, my students have been writing the Vatican and requesting the Catholic Church to take a stand on this issue, but to no avail. We’re still waiting for word from the top, so we can get on with our lives.”

Father Lawrence has spearheaded a similar letter-writing campaign requesting the Vatican give his brethren permission to take to the streets and protest “Da Vinci Code’s” sinful uprising on the bestsellers list. “My flock has grown increasingly upset and restless. They’ve been planning public book burnings of the ‘Da Vinci Code,’ protests and picketing of bookstores who sell the books, and some militant factions of the church are looking to torch any institutions that openly recognize the book and its fictitious teachings. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep them at bay. I hope the Vatican hurries up and takes a stand within the next five years.”

Meanwhile, some members of Witsend’s Catholic community have been able to capitalize on the controversy. The Genuflectors runaway hit, “Breakin’ the Da Vinci Code,” has been quickly climbing the Catholic rock charts. The group is currently on the front end of their 2006 Ultimate Forgiveness Tour, promoting their new CD, “Got Forgiveness?” Despite criticism from the Catholic Church, the group denies they are exploiting the situation. The group’s front man, Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Catholic Rock ‘n’ Roll, said: “What can I say? We’re bigger than the Pope.”