Tuesday, April 11, 2006

March Madness: Witsend Here’s Index for March 2006

Estimated number of U.S. workers who are college basketball fans: 58.5 million.

Estimated number of U.S. workers who think their boss should be outsourced to Tralfamadore*: 62.3 million.**

Average number of minutes employees spend on college basketball websites during March Madness: 13.5.

Estimated amount of productivity employers nationwide lost during March Madness: $3.8 billion.

Average number of minutes (per day) employees spend making fun of their bosses on the Web: 8.5.

Amount of productivity employers nationwide lost due to employees making fun of their bosses during the March Madness cycle: $66.4 billion.

Percentage of college students who told their parents they were going to help out with the Katrina aftermath during spring break: 13.

Percentage of these students who were found innebriated and washed up on a beach in South Padre, Texas: 19.

Percentage of these students who exposed themsleves to a “Girls Gone Wild” camera crew in Padre: 3.

Number of dumbfounded fathers who saw their daughters bare all while watching an Internet feed of “South Padre: Girls Gone Wild”: 1,365.

Percentage of these fathers who revealed this information to their wives: 0.

Number of times T.M. Lindsey satirized President Bush during Lent (before the Lenten sacrifice was sacrificed): 0.

Number of satiric punches T.M. Lindsey pulled during sacrificial period: 31,204.

Costs of the War in Iraq billed to U.S. taxpayers: $272,374,900,000.
(see running total on sidebar)

Costs of the War on Scientology billed to U.S. taxpayers: $000,000,000,000.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's girlfriend, Katie Holmes, is having L. Ron Hubbard's love-child: 53.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's is holding Katie Holmes against her will: 68.

Percentage of Amercians who support the War on Scientology: 88.

Amount of money it takes to get your foot in the Scientology door and take your first step across The Bridge of Total Freedom: $4000.

The 2006 HHS federal guidelines for poverty cut off for a person in a single household: $9,800.

Amount of money it takes to get your picture taken with President Bush at a Republican candidate fundraiser: $10,000.

*Planet named after inhabitants, of same name, who abducted Billy Pilgrim in Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five."

**This estimate includes undocumented workers who think Tralfamdore is an idyllic retirement community where retired C.E.O.s, donning golden parachutes procured through the exploitation of labor, fall from the sky.
This is Witsned Here’s Index for March 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of http://witsendhere.blogspot.com/, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.


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