Monday, February 27, 2006

Saudi Arabian Prince and Real Estate Mogul Purchases White House

The Satiric Press – Unbeknownst to President Bush and the rest of the White House residents, their humble abode was put on the market and sold to Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia for an undisclosed amount of money and political favors. The current tenants have 30 days to vacate the White House premises, or risk embarrassment and political suicide if a D.C. Deputy Sheriff were to show up and have the inhabitants removed.

President Bush was completely caught off guard by the news and wasn’t aware of the transaction until the deal had already been sealed. The President was informed about the sale and pending eviction by his wife, Laura, during his morning read aloud - a program piloted by the First Lady as a means of engaging adolescent males who are reluctant readers. “I had no idea our home had been sold until Laura read it aloud from the ‘Washington Post.’ I was under the impression that we still had close to three years left on our lease. Go figure.”

Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has a history of acquiring lavish properties and turning them into hotel resorts for the royal families of his homeland, and the White House has become the crown jewel of his collection. Initially, the Prince had considered renting the West Wing to the current tenants but changed his mind after a thorough credit check, when the Prince’s accountants discovered the tenants had built a trillion dollar debt since their White House stewardship began.

Within the hour, Bush informed the entire White House staff and live-in residents of the sale, and cautioned anyone from trying to sabotage the deal. “They have a saying back home in Texas, ‘A deal’s a deal, and any sum bitch who says otherwise had better keep one finger on the shotgun trigger.”

Critics and congress were less enthusiastic about the White House sale, especially when it was announced that the buyers were from Saudi Arabia. “How can the President allow this to happen?” asked Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. “The Saudis have a detailed history of human rights abuses, especially against women. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and let somebody exploit and abuse any woman within the White House walls.”

Other critics charge the sale is contradictory to Bush’s oral commitment to fight his oil addiction. “Selling the White House to oil kingpin, Prince Abdullah, brings the addiction closer to home,” said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend’s Oil Addicts Anonymous. “It’s like selling your estate to a crack dealer while you move into the servants’ quarters in the back yard.”

Senator Hillary went on the offensive, “Opening our borders, and worse, the doors to the White House to a country rooted in the ‘War on Terrorism’ is simply irresponsible, not to mention, it’s counterintuitive to our homeland security policies.”

President Bush defended his complacency and sleeping-with-the-enemy accusations, “Prince Abdullah and the Saudis have been our longtime friends and allies in the global ‘War on Terrorism.’ Sure we jumped into bed with the Saudis in the 1930s and planted our seeds of Democracy; and as a result, the Saudis bore the future terrorists, whose leaders we trained by the way, and now it’s our mission to unite together and kill our illegitimate children before they destroy our global family.”

Longtime allies and occasional companions, President Bush and Prince Abdullah, take a leisurely stroll along along White House garden path, where the Prince intends to build a wine-filled swimming pool.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Art’s Inside Tips for Spotting TIPSTERS (Terrorism Information Prevention System Tattlers Engaged in Reconnaissance & Surveillance)

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

Do you remember the TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) program that was introduced in 2002 by the brainchild of the Patriot Act, John Ashcroft? (You know, the guy who lost a senatorial raced in Missouri to a dead guy, and was subsequently promoted to Attorney General. Go figure.) The program was supposed to piecemeal the Feds’ (Department of Justice, F.B.I., Homeland Security, Department of Labor, and FEMA) responsibilities to a voluntary Citizen Corp (e.g. truckers and ship captains) who would report suspicious, publicly observable activity that could be related to terrorism. Kind of like the Neighborhood Watch Program, which cluttered up decent neighborhoods all over the country with “Neighborhood Watch Area” signs, as a means of warding off would be predators and keeping “single, quiet men who live alone and keep to themselves” from moving into the neighborhood. (Note: the latter didn’t deter me. Besides, I seem to be the only one in the neighborhood who IS watching.)

Well, the TIPS program was apparently shelved, or that’s what THEY want you to think. Big Chief’s been heavily recruiting and training legions of TIPSTERS over the past four years, and they’ve been watching your every move, just waiting to report you for participating in terrorist-related activities (e.g. Leading a U.S.-sponsored coup in a non-democratic country or uncooperative despot). No worries, Art’s here, and I have some inside tips to help you spot some of the more notable TIPSTERS in a community near you.

To liven up your experience, it’s recommended you sing a parodied version of the theme song to “Cops” after each entry:

Jehovah’s Witnesses: This one is a no-brainer (granted, this appears to be a prerequisite for getting elected to high office in the good ‘ol U.S. of A.). Who better to spot potential terrorists than God’s witnesses? Besides, they make great witnesses in the courtroom. “Your honor, we would like to call God’s Witness to the stand.” How goddamn dramatic! You’d better hope you have O.J.’s “Dream Team” at your disposal, or your hand trumps God (Note: In the U.S., a Royal Flush and Full House always beats a Jehovah.). If some Jehovah Witnesses come knocking at your door, be wary of letting them into your home. Allah, beware: Jehovah’s in the house! Or do as I do and report them to the police, “I’m an active member of the Neighborhood Watch program, and I would like to report two suspicious people snooping around who appear to be armed with Watchtower Bibles.”

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when God’s Peeps come for you?

Wal-Mart Greeters: Don’t let the disingenuous smiles and “Everyday Low Prices” fool you. These people are dangerous. Be aware of the flair, especially greeters with excessive flair pinned on their blue vests. What are they trying to hide from?

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they flash their flair at you?

Job Seekers who shamelessly promote themselves with “Will Work for Name Your Price Here” signs at major intersections or along off-ramps of interstate highways: Unlike truckers and ship captains, these people will work for anyone if the price is right. The latter is the key to spotting TIPSTERS. Anyone willing to work for top-secret secret information or informal gratitude is a force to reckon with indeed.

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they come work for you?

Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog, and The Dogs of War: Typically speaking, steer clear from all German Shepherds, especially if they respond to “Here, Rex.” Veteran bomb-sniffing dogs from the theater of war have entered the Bomb-Sniffing Dog Relocation Program in exchange for sniffing out potential terrorists in unsuspecting communities.

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when Rex comes sniffin’ you?


When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Bush, Inc. to Discontinue American Dream

The American Dream officially ended when Bush, Inc., announced it would no longer produce, market, or sell the American Dream in the United States. “Americans are no longer buying into the American Dream,” said Constance Kennedy-Rockefeller. “People have traded in four-bedroom homes, white picket fences, two-car attached garages, and retirement security for food, health care coverage, bankruptcy lawyers, and video-poker machines.”

According to an in-depth cost benefit analysis conducted by Bush, Inc., sales of the American Dream have seen a dramatic plummet over the last six years. The analysis pinpointed the increase of economic globalization for the sharp decline. “The American Dream has always been a hot commodity among immigrants,” said Cody Wilder, Vice President of Marketing for Bush, Inc. “But the dynamics of globalization have forced us to rethink our marketing and distribution strategies. No matter what formula we use, the bottom line indicates we need to focus all our energy and resources on foreign markets, where the American Dream still has economic viability.”

Bush, Inc. has already poured a great deal of its resources in test marketing the American Dream in the foreign market. Since March of 2003, Bush, Inc. has spent an estimated 250 billion dollars marketing the American Dream in Iraq and hopes, contingent upon shareholder approval, to invest an additional 72.4 billion dollars for the remaining fiscal year. “The American Dream hasn’t had a lot of traction in our target market, Iraq, but we’re confident business will be booming once people see all the benefits. We saw similar patterns in the United States during the 1930s, but thanks to a war, sales of the American Dream mushroomed in the post-World War II market. “We’ve also started promoting the American Dream in Iran. We’re looking to add 85 million dollars to our Iranian campaign and hope to set up full-scale production of the American Dream by year's end.”

The analysis also indicated that sales of the American Dream in the United States leveled off in the late '60s and began bottoming out in 2001 when it was bought out by Bush, Inc. Wilder contends, “The market for the American Dream in the United States has become more savvy, not to mention we’ve had a difficult time breaking customers' misperceptions that people are born with the American Dream and that it is no longer attainable through patience, hard work, and frugality. To help minimize these misperceptions, we’ve increased our promotional vigilance by broadening the scope of lotteries and other get-rich-quick-schemes across the country, but to no avail. We felt discontinuing the American Dream in the United States was our only option. Besides, there are hundreds of untapped markets in the world, and it’s our mission to give everyone a taste of the American Dream.”

Friday, February 17, 2006


Recent cloaked operations, dubbed “Terrorism Surveillance” by the Bush Administration, put the final dagger into Spy (a.k.a. “Spying”), ending a clandestine lifetime filled with mystery, intrigue, romance, fear, humor, controversy, and shoe phones.

Spying will always be remembered for injecting life into the Cold War, especially in 1953 with the executions of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, who were accused of providing Russian intelligence with top-secret nuclear weapons information. Spying’s notoriety was further fanned by Senator McCarthy’s anti-Communist crusade. The United States was rife with paranoia, and like Sputnik, Spying’s fame soared into infamy; everybody and their brother was spying on everybody and their brother. Spying had become an international celebrity and could no longer look back over its shoulder.

It wasn’t long before Spying was romanticized in the literary world with Ian Fleming’s creation of James Bond (a.k.a. 007) in the 1953 novel, “Casino Royale.” James Bond continued to capture the imaginations of readers all over the world and eventually made his splash on the big screen with his cinematic debut of “Dr. No” in 1962 – when the Cold War, thanks to the “Cuban Missile Crises,” had reached its boiling point.

The fifties also saw the boom of “I-Spy” books which were spotter guides for children, preparing them for the infinite opportunities in the world of spying. The company producing the introductory spy books was run by a succession Big Chief I-Spies - whose chiefdom name was derived from the I-Spy Tribe. A new series of books inspired by I-Spy, “I-Survey,” will be distributed by the Homeland Security Department. Due to a copyright infringement case filed by Big Chief I-Spy, publication of the books is still pending. The first three books of the perpetual series will include “I Survey Terrorists,” “I Survey Extreme Islamic Fundamentalists,” and “I Survey Them Surveying Us.”

Thanks to “Mad” magazine and its 1961 publication of a wordless black and white comic strip, “Spy vs. Spy,” Spying’s prolific career continued to mushroom. The strip was created by Cuban, Antonio Prohias, who fled to the United States in 1960, just days before Fidel Castro commandeered the Cuban free press.

Spying’s celebrity took a fall with the Berlin Wall in 1989, never fully recovering in the post-Cold War era. Spying saw a brief reprise at the turn of the century with the release of the Austin Powers’ film trilogy, in particular the box office smash, “ The Spy Who Shagged Me,” but in the end, it was Spying who was inevitably shagged by Surveillance.

Unbeknownst to the public, Spy(ing) is survived by Espionage, Monitoring, and Surveillance who, due to security concerns, will not be able to attend Spying’s undercover funeral. Although, survivors will be able to hear Spying’s funeral on a tape-delayed wiretap recording, which will be broadcasted by the National Security Agency via the Guantanamo Bay Radio frequency.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Love Haikus from Fair Witsend’s Fatal Loins

Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.
-Romeo; from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet

Axis of Evil Haiku Trilogy

Act I: Saddam Hussein
Old bearded madman,
Poetic justice awaits:
Whitman you are not.

Act II: Kim Jong-il
Mysterious eyes
Hide behind true intentions.
Let's karaoke.

Act III: Mahmoud Ahmadimejad
Put up your nukes, and
We'll deal you into the game;
Ante up your oil.

Bush Bitches,
by Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog
How I long to hump
The green zone in Iraq. Tempt
me not with your legs.

Shotgun Wedding
Stay the course my friend;
The trail of birdshot leads home.
I can't quit you, Dick

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Click, Click: Big Chief’s Listening to You

Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds

I knew Big Chief was listening when the doublespeak cronies spun “Domestic Spying” into “Terrorist Surveillance.” What next: “Pre-Emptive Foreign Terrorist Surveillance”? Ever since the big towers fell, I knew Big Chief was listening in on my telephone conversations. I’m on to you, Big Chief. And now, dear reader, you will be too.

Top 5 Signals Big Chief is listening to you:

5. When you press star-69 and you get 911.

4. A continuous reel of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.,” a Psy. Ops. (Psychological Operations) favorite in the Democracy Crusades, is playing in the backdrop. (Note: Despite the song’s patriotic title/hook, the remaining lyrics in the song have influenced foreign people to pee on the American flag.)

3. Trust me, He is…

2. An ice cream truck is parked and idling on your street. Be especially wary if it’s after midnight or below freezing outside.

1. You click over to call waiting and a White House secretary invites you to go hunting with the Vice president. (Jesus, Dick! And I thought I was paranoid.)

Art’s Top 5 Big Chief Counter Intelligence Tools if you sense Big Chief is listening:

5. Every once in awhile, interject a non-sequitur statement to get them scribbling and hunting down false leads. (e.g. The moon is full and rises over the crisp desert.)

4. Never use your real name, but rather, adopt a handle from the porn industry (e.g. Deep Throat), and speak in your best Godfather-impersonation voice. (Don’t use “Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre.” That’s my handle, and Big Chief is already on to me. Besides, it's quite a mouthful.)

3. Speak in equivocal, heavy-handed metaphors (e.g. “Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work – and life.”).

2. Keep a downloaded copy of The Patriot Act (this alone will perk up Big Chief’s ears) next to the phone, and when you sense Big Chief is listening, begin reading the manuscript word for word, and I guarantee Big Chief will tune out by the fourth page (the average drop-off point for those who actually voted for it).

1. Never go hunting with Big Chief’s Dick.

When one man’s paranoia becomes Everyman’s reality, don’t forget: Art Radley told you so…
Art Radley’s Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ubiquitous Bush Caricatures Ignite Widespread Apathy

From Witsend Daily – According to a recent study conducted by a Witsend think tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, George W. Bush’s caricature is the most recognizable image in the world, surpassing the real-life images of Bono, Charleton Heston, Bill Gates, Desmond Tutu, Osama bin Laden, Oprah, and himself. The study also indicated a direct correlation between the ubiquitous Bush caricature and the apathetic contagion that has caught afire and spread across the globe. “For the longest time, the United States has taken an isolationists approach to containing apathy,” said Constance Madigan of the Witsend think tank, “but with increased globalization, apathy is no longer an American commodity.”

Over a two-year span, the Witsend think tank conducted a series of studies at Witsend Elementary, measuring the cause-effect relationship between Bush’s caricature and apathy, and how this correlation has impacted student test scores. “Caricature recognition begins at an early age,” said Madigan, “and it’s important to measure how they’ve been impacted by a man caricaturized with over-sized elfin ears, exaggerated laugh lines, and whose diminutive stature is often cloaked in baggy cowboy duds, cowboy boots, and a 10-gallon cowboy hat. This can be a very traumatic experience for an impressionable child. These images don’t just go away.”
When asked who their favorite cowboy was, 87% of those surveyed said George W. Bush, followed by Wyatt Earp (5%), Jesse James (4%), John Wayne (3%), and Yosemite Sam (1%). “The line between reality and fiction has blurred for kids today, and with NCLB looming, some of these kids may be left behind the lines.”

The Witsend chapter of the L.I.C. (Life Imitates Caricatures) Society wasn’t at all surprised by the findings. “There’s a reason we switched affiliation from C.I.L. (Caricatures Imitate Life) to L.I.C.,” said John Clooney, president of Witsend’s L.I.C. chapter and curator of the Witsend Caricature Preservation Society. “George W. Bush has made us rethink our perception of who's imitating whom.”

Thanks to the Internet, Bush’s caricature has infiltrated cultures all over the world, spreading apathy, or “our way of life” across the globe. Google recently introduced its modified search engine to China and when googling images of George W. Bush, only caricatures of Bush appear. Fearing the Bush caricatures will have the same apathetic effect on its people as the United States, many countries are trying to ban his caricature. Bush responded to this banning, “This is just another reminder that there’s a lot of people in the world who are threatened by our way of life. The spread of caricatures is an essential foundation of freedom, and we need to protect these freedoms at any cost.”

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

“Da Vinci Code” Defrocks Holy Bible from Top Fiction Spot

From Witsend Daily – After spending over twenty years as the No. 1 fiction book on the Witsend Creative Outpost’s Catholic Bestseller List, “The Holy Bible” had to step aside and make room for Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code.” “The Bible had a good run,” said Gale Simpkins, sales manager at the Creative Outpost, “but it was only a matter of time before a new piece of fiction ignited the imaginations of our Catholic readership. “Da Vinci Code” is a bookselling phenomenon, clearly blessed by Saint John of God-patron saint of booksellers. It has nearly doubled the sales of the No. 1 non-fiction book, ‘Catholicism for Dummies,’ on the Catholic Bestseller List.”

Not all of the Catholic community has been receptive to the “Da Vinci Code’s” monetary prowess in the literary world. The book was eventually denounced by the Vatican when Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, archbishop of Genoa, broke the Vatican's virtual silence on the book and told Vatican Radio that nobody should read it and certainly Catholic bookstores should stop selling it. "There's a big anti-Catholic prejudice. It aims to discredit the church and its history through gross and absurd manipulations."

Cardinal Bertone: "Da 'Da Vinci Code' is full of nothing but da fiction."

Father Lawrence of Witsend’s St. Francis de Sales Catholic Church echoed Bertone’s denunciation: “In the wake of the sex-abuse scandals, we’ve had enough trouble protecting the image of the Catholic Church. The last thing we need is anti-Catholic propaganda spreading through the world of fiction. In today’s literary world, writers have no scruples when it comes to making things up and pawning it off as fiction. It’s simply blasphemous.”

Sister Dymphna, a literature teacher at the Parochial School of Witsend, contends there is a more disturbing issue to worry about than the “Da Vinci Code.” “I’m more concerned about the Bible being placed on the fiction list. We’ve been trying to have ‘The Bible’ moved to the non-fiction list ever since the list’s inception. For the past twenty years, my students have been writing the Vatican and requesting the Catholic Church to take a stand on this issue, but to no avail. We’re still waiting for word from the top, so we can get on with our lives.”

Father Lawrence has spearheaded a similar letter-writing campaign requesting the Vatican give his brethren permission to take to the streets and protest “Da Vinci Code’s” sinful uprising on the bestsellers list. “My flock has grown increasingly upset and restless. They’ve been planning public book burnings of the ‘Da Vinci Code,’ protests and picketing of bookstores who sell the books, and some militant factions of the church are looking to torch any institutions that openly recognize the book and its fictitious teachings. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep them at bay. I hope the Vatican hurries up and takes a stand within the next five years.”

Meanwhile, some members of Witsend’s Catholic community have been able to capitalize on the controversy. The Genuflectors runaway hit, “Breakin’ the Da Vinci Code,” has been quickly climbing the Catholic rock charts. The group is currently on the front end of their 2006 Ultimate Forgiveness Tour, promoting their new CD, “Got Forgiveness?” Despite criticism from the Catholic Church, the group denies they are exploiting the situation. The group’s front man, Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Catholic Rock ‘n’ Roll, said: “What can I say? We’re bigger than the Pope.”

Monday, February 06, 2006

Bush’s Admission, “We’re Addicted to Oil!,” Fuels Membership Spike in Oil Addiction Anonymous Groups

From Witsend Daily – After fighting a losing battle with oil addiction, President Bush finally admitted defeat, outing himself in front of the entire world during his State of the Union Address. The President’s pulpit confessional encouraged other oil addicts, who were living in denial, to come out of the closet. “Our membership has more than doubled in less than three days,” said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend’s Oil Addicts Anonymous. “We tend to see a spike in membership whenever a high-profile oil addict outs himself, and it looks like we just hit the mother load.”

“The President has taken the first big step in the road to recovery,” said Carol Cummings, White House Rehabilitation Counselor. “Given the history of oil addiction in the Bush family, this is a monumental first step in breaking the endless cycle of addiction.” A byproduct of oil addicts, George W. Bush was born an “Oil Baby.” According to Cummings: “Since they’re born with oil already pumping through their veins, Oil Babies are especially challenging to break from the perpetual cycle of addiction. It’s hard to win a battle if you’re not even aware that you’re even fighting one, let alone implement The Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction*.”

President Bush emerging from stretch limousine after all-night oil binge

America’s addiction to oil has been around since its conception, but Oil Addicts Anonymous (O.A.A.) was not born until the late 1930s, when America struck a deal with their main supplier, Saudi Arabia. “The whole thing smacks of conspiracy,” said Art Radley, Witsend’s residential conspiracy theorist; “The United States and the automotive industry and the C.I.A. have been pumping oil into America since the Eisenhower Administration as a means of keeping the American people down by keeping them hooked.”

The Witsend chapter of O.A.A. is not the only group experiencing a membership spike since Bush’s coming-out party. The national spokesperson for O.A.A., Elizabeth Montgomery, said, “Bush’s admission is more symbolic than the Berlin Wall coming down and ending the Cold War. The wall of denial is starting to come down, a monumental occasion in bringing an end to the ‘War Against Oil.’ Membership has spiked all over the country. It’s only a matter of time before everyone is hooked on O.A.A. All of the media has fed our enthusiasm and we’re negotiating a celebrity endorsement contract with Earl Campbell, former running back of the now-defunct Houston Oilers.”

Earl Campbell (left) celebrating 2 years of sobriety at O.A.A. party for recovering oil addicts

Cummings said President Bush’s oil addiction recovery will take time; and to help protect national security, his recuperation will be top secret. Although Cumming did indicate that his rebirth will probably take a great deal longer than his Christian rebirth, adding: “These things take time. It doesn’t just happen overnight.”

*Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction

1. We admitted we were powerless over oil; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that an alternative power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to take back our will from O.P.E.C. (Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries) as we understood Them.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our homes, basements, attics, garages, motorized vehicles, arctic refuges, toilet tanks, unsuspecting third-word countries, and sandboxes – as a means of ensuring temptation had been extracted from our lives.
5. Admitted to ourselves, the Tin man from the “Wizard of Oz”, and to any human being - who was willing or paid to listen to the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We’re entirely ready to have practicing environmentalists remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked practicing environmentalists to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons, places, or things we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such persons, places, or things wherever possible, except when to do so would only hurt them or others due to additional consumption of oil.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it to anyone within walking distance.
11. Sought through an act of Congress to improve our conscious contract with the Petroleum God, as we understood Him, begging only for alternative energies and an occasional fix in the case of an oil pandemic.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to oil addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog, Responds to the State of the Union Address

"Why does the dog wag his tail? Because the dog is smarter than the tail. If the tail were smarter than the dog, the tail would wag the dog." (from 1997 film, "Wag the Dog")

From Witsend Daily – Similar to the fate of Cindy Sheehan, a "Witsend Daily" correspondent was “removed” from the House chamber prior to President Bush’s State of the Union Address. Capitol Police escorted the reporter to a “holding tank” where he was retained for three hours. No explanation or charges were filed, but an inside source reported that the correspondent (who wishes to remain silent until he can afford a lawyer) was preemptively removed for wearing a t-shirt bearing the newspaper’s name, “Witsend Daily” (see ad). The paper’s name was construed as a direct attack against the President. “This isn’t the first time the United States Government has refused to recognize our newspaper,” said T. M. Lindsey, Managing Editor of “Witsend Daily.”

When our correspondent returned to the House chamber to retrieve his jacket, he discovered a handwritten transcript scribbled in the margins of “The New York Times.” In a collaborative effort, the staffs of CSI: Witsend and “Witsend Here” have determined that the transcript was penned by Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog. Rex, a five-year-old German shepherd, was one of Mrs. Bush’s guests and was propped up with fellow Iraq war veterans in Bush’s box during the President’s address.

Rex, whose previous vocation involved sniffing out bombs in Iraq, had been transferred back to the United States. His owner, Air Force Tech Sgt. Jamie Dana, awoke in a military hospital last summer badly injured by a bomb in Iraq and crying for her bomb-sniffing dog. Someone told her Rex was dead. Later, Dana found out that wasn't true, but it would take an act of Congress before she could take him home to Pennsylvania. The Air Force said it had spent $18,000 training Rex and that, by statute, he needed to finish the remaining five years of his useful life before he could be adopted. Dana's congressman, Rep. John Peterson, R-Pa., helped abolish that policy in an end-of-year defense bill, according to the White House.

The following is a transcript of Rex’s response to the President's State of the Union address. (Since the transcript had to be translated from dog to German, then German to English, some of the meaning and canine nuances may have been lost.)

For the love of sniffing nitroglycerin, what am I doing here? I’m the only damn dog in the House, not including the big Saint Bernard propped up behind Master Bush. What did I do to draw this assignment? I did as I was told. I sniffed out bombs and insurgent-sympathizers. I kept my kennel clean and up to regulations according to military S.O.P. (Standard Operational Procedure). I licked boots when I had to. This is worse than pulling duty for the nightshift at Abu Ghraib. Ain’t that a bitch; one road-side bomb and Roof! Here I am. I should’ve smelled it coming.
Speaking of bitches, where are they? I haven’t seen a single bitch since I left the military hospital. The First Lady is real nice, but she’s no bitch. Master Bush’s talk of terrorism is getting me all worked up. I need to get back in the field, before I end up dead like these people. Some of these people should be put to sleep.
Oh ,wait a minute, they’re standing up and clapping again. Do they keep doing this to remind themselves that they’re still alive? I wish they’d stop teasing me. My bladder is conditioned to respond every time a human stands up, presumably to let me outside so I can relieve myself. I’m not sure my bladder can take any more of this, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to empty myself on “The New York Times.” Now “The Washington Post,” on the other hand…
Did he just wink at me? Master Bush winked at me. Is he signaling me? Potential bomb in the house? Something smells rotten in here, but it’s not a bomb, at least not a literal bomb. I smell doubt, fear, cynicism, lies, and a heavy scent of A & D ointment emitting from underneath Justice Alito’s black robe. God, this blessed sense of smell can be such a curse.
Not again, please don’t stand. I’ll beg. They’re doing it again. That’s 28 standing ovations. Do they realize that’s 112 standing O’s in dog ovations? What I’d do for a fire hydrant right now. Although, Margaret Spelling’s hot-pink dress sure is tempting. I can barely keep my paw steady.
Master Bush is getting very excited. I can see his tail wagging, and I can smell his bitch’s excitement. This begs the question: Who's wagging whom? Something exciting must be happening. Everyone’s standing and clapping. Now’s my chance…