Thursday, March 30, 2006

Breaking War News: T.M. Lindsey Suspends Lenten Sacrifice of Bush

From Witsend Daily – T.M. Lindsey called a press conference early this morning to announce that due to the “War on Scientology,” he’s suspended his Lenten sacrifice of satirizing President Bush, indefinitely. “Everything has changed since the ‘War on Scientology’ began. Thanks to Scientologists and their unwarranted attacks, life in Witsend will never be the same,” said Lindsey. “We’re in a state of war, and I’ll need every possible weapon at my disposal, and this means sacrificing or suspending any laws, restrictions, civil liberties, or iota of common sense that may jeopardize our mission.”

Some members of the “Witsend Daily” staff felt relieved by the announcement. “A lot of people don’t realize what a huge sacrifice T.M. made when he swore off satirizing Bush for Lent,” said Kelly O’Reilly, Lindsey’s personal assistant. “The sacrifice affected T.M. both mentally and physically. Resisting the infinite satiric possibilities, which grew exponentially every time the President opened his mouth, inevitably took its toll on T.M. during the past four weeks. All he could do was stand by, helplessly, and bite his tongue. It got so bad during the third week of Lent that T.M. had to have surgery on his tongue, repairing the damaged tissues and exfoliating the bad taste left in his mouth from this whole ordeal. We’re very fortunate a war came along to save him from any more hardships.”

Other staff members were a little disappointed the moratorium had been lifted, especially those directly involved with the daily upkeep of the “Bush-O-Meter.” One member, who wished to remain anonymous, said “The Bush-O-Meter had become an integral part of my life. Knowing that I was responsible for updating this every day gave me a sense of purpose, a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I felt like T.M.’s sacrifice had become my sacrifice. It really brought our staff closer together. I feel we’re truly united now, and I hope a united stand against Scientology will bring us even closer together.” Plans for replacing the Bush-O-Meter are already in the works,* and this should help maintain the high morale among the Witsend Here staff during its initial war preparations.

Critics of Lindsey’s announcement contend that while it’s important to protect readers in a time of war, sacrificing one’s integrity to do so will prove to be counter productive. “If T.M. can’t even fulfill a commitment to himself, how can he possibly keep a promise to his readers?” said Cindy Heon, an outspoken member of the Empty Rhetoric Disarmament League.

A photo of Cindy Heon, taken by her Scientology captors just prior to her release from a Scientologist half-way cell in Clearwater, Florida. The photo was procured by Witsend Here Intelligence.

In response to his critics, Lindsey released a brief statement:

The War on Scientology goes well beyond me, and to question my integrity is to question the integrity of the war, which begs the question: Are you with us, or are you with them?

*Because Witsend Here wants the “War on Scientology” to be an interactive war, we encourage you to participate and help us decide what O-Meter slogan we should adopt for the war effort. (see poll and exercise your right to vote, or you may submit your own suggestion via e-mail).

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

News from the War Front

The "War on Scientology" is building as the troops begin to amass. Taking their cue from "Witsend Here," it looks as if CBS will be joining the war effort.
  • Nicholas Meyer's CBS pilot suggest Scientology-like design (LA Times)
  • Hollywood bully Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's cablecast of a controversial "South Park" episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote "Mission Impossible 3," insiders say. Since Paramount is banking on "MI3" to rake in blockbuster profits this summer, and Paramount is owned by Viacom, which also owns Comedy Central, the tactic worked.

  • Drawing from his method acting background in "Risky Business," Tom Cruise issued a firm, finger pointing warning to "Witsend Here": "I'm on to you, Lindsey. If you persit to wage war on Scientology, I swear to L. Ron Hubbard that I will turn you into a cartoon caricature of me."

Our beloved media darling truly has been completely brainwashed by the Scientolgists. When asked what he thought about Cruise's warning, T.M. Lindsey responded, "I'm flattered. I've always dreamed of living in an animated world. Besides, my faith will always be there to protect me, and in uncertain times like these, I know I can turn to my W.W.G.K.P.D.? [What Would Guido the Killer Pimp Do?] for moral guidance."

Sunday, March 26, 2006


From Witsend Daily – When the creators of “South Park,” Matt Stone and Trey Parker, recently declared "War on Scientology," the founder of “Witsend Here,” T.M. Lindsey, felt there was no other choice but to join his satiric brethren by unofficially declaring war.

“There are no lines drawn in the world of satire, and our Intelligence informs us that Scientologists not only possess the necessary means and capabilities for drawing lines, but they intend to do so,” said Lindsey. “Consequently, it’s imperative for us (Witsend Here) to preemptively strike before the Scientologists, in their quest to monopolize ‘the truth’ and our way of life, unleash their lines on the free world of satire.”

South Park's declaration of war came after a planned rebroadcast satirizing Scientology and its most renown member, Tom Cruise, was abruptly pulled by Viacom. Viacom owns Comedy Central, as well as Tom Cruise's soon-to-be-released film, "Mission Impossible 3."

T.M. Lindsey's Intelligence also revealed that the Scientologists did indeed draw first blood by threatening to discontinue Isaac Hayes’ “auditing” (a regressive-therapy technique which involves re-experiencing incidents in one’s past life in order to erase their “engrams,” or psychic scars), thus sabotaging Isaac’s “Bridge to Total Freedom” (path to Scientology enlightenment). These threats began after the episode in question originally aired on Comedy Central (click for clip). Because of the threats, Isaac Hayes, who plays the voice of Chef, an oversexed and overweight African American chef in the South Park Elementary cafeteria, had been admitted to the hospital for “exhaustion.” Two months later, Isaac Hayes quit the show, accusing it of “religious bigotry.”

The Scientologists may have “neutralized” Chef for the time being, but South Park returned fire with its season opener which briefly resurrected Chef only so his animated figure could be struck by lightening, impaled, shot, mauled by a mountain lion, eaten by a grizzly bear, and accused of being a child molester. Despite the self-sacrificial effigy, Kyle urges South Park residents to remember Chef as he was, before the brainwashing. “If there’s to be any anger, don’t direct it at the beloved cafeteria worker…We should be mad at the fruity little club for scrambling his brain.”

Witsend Here will use the following strategy to help win the "War on Scientology." Each step will be unveiled in greater detail as the war itself unfolds.

Witsend Here’s War Strategy:

The Seven Deadly Steps for Winning the “War on Scientology”

Step I (Pride): Creating a case for war

Step II (Lust): Arousing the Troops with W.M.D.s (Words of Mass Destruction)

Step III (Envy): Engaging the Enemy Within

Step IV (Wrath): Destroying the Enemy

Step V (Greed): Learning About the Enemy and Why They Hate ‘Us’

Step VI (Gluttony): Stay the Course: Repeat Steps II-V until the War is Won

Step VII (Sloth): Implement Exit Strategy (Optional)

Coming Soon: A reader’s guide to understanding the “War on Scientology,” and Step I of the war strategy…

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

“Witsend Here” Adopts New Catch Phrase: WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

Holding on to a 37% approval rating, the staff of “Witsend Here," out of sheer desperation, decided to shake up the blog by adopting a new catch phrase: “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” Theoretically, the catch phrase’s usage will increase name recognition and will one day become synonymous with “Witsend Here” as it infiltrates the perpetual “War on Ignorance.”

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” will rear its bold, ALL CAPS head whenever “Witsend Here” exposes any one of the following:

1. An illogical absurdity, usually of a bureaucratic nature.

2. A human foible so ridiculous that the reader has no choice to ask, “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” as a means of rational defense.

3. When the absurdities of the past repeat themselves in the present, despite the bright red warning lights flashing overhead (the light bulb having long extinguished itself and moved on to darker pastures).

“Witsend Here” will also introduce a periodic column self-titled “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?” which will address subjects in the news that fall under the aforementioned. (see sample below)

Marijuana again tied to memory problems (Mon. Mar 13, 2006; Reuters Health)
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - People who regularly smoke marijuana may find their memories growing hazy over time, a study published Monday suggests. In a study of long-term and shorter-term marijuana users, researchers in Greece found that both groups performed more poorly on tests of memory, attention and other cognitive abilities than a comparison group who'd only occasionally used the drug...

Did researches forget about the previous studies that indicated the same results? (WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?)

Maybe studies should be conducted that examine the short and long-term effects of memory loss on those who conduct studies on the short and long-term effects of memory loss on marijuana users.

Tasos Sativa, Marijuana Memory Loss Researcher: "Hmmm, this looks familiar."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Quoteworthy: from “A Man Without a Country”

Kurt Vonnegut’s thoughts on:

Science Fiction: “I think that novels that leave out technology misrepresent life as badly as Victorians misrepresent life by leaving out sex.” (p.17)

Progress: “Now, during our catastrophically idiotic war in Vietnam, the music kept getting better and better and better. We lost the war, by the way. Order couldn’t be restored in Indochina until the people kicked us out. That war only made billionaires out of millionaires. Today’s war (Iraq) is making trillionaires out of billionaires. Now I call that progress.” (p.67)

Reality TV: “I once was asked if I had any ideas for a really scary reality TV show. I have one reality show that would really make your hair stand on end: ‘C-Students from Yale.’” (p.99)

Homeland Security: “The shoe thing at airports and Code Orange and so on are world-class practical jokes, all right. But my all-time favorite is one the holy, anti-war clown Abbie Hoffman (1936-1989) pulled off during the Vietnam War. He announced that the new high was banana peels taken rectally. So then FBI scientists stuffed banana peels up their asses to find out if this was true or not. Or so we hoped.” (p.108)

Our Current Leaders: “Well, one wishes those who took over our federal government, and hence the world, by means of a Mickey Mouse coup d’etat, who disconnected all the burglar alarms prescribed by the Constitution, which is to say the House and Senate, and the Supreme Court, and We, the People, were truly Christians. But as William Shakespeare told us once long ago, ‘The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.’” (p.111)

Friday, March 10, 2006

“Burn” Fans Flames at Witsend’s Creative Guilds’ Idler Awards

From Witsend Daily – This year’s Idler Awards were presented at an exclusive ceremony at the historic Witsend Theater in downtown Witsend, and the big-budget blockbuster, “Burn”, was on fire, walking away from the carnage with three Idlers. It was a banner year for political films which swept all of the major categories. “Given all of the money spent on these films, it’s not too surprising,” said Jack Griffith, Witsend Creative Guild member and owner of the Witsend Theater. “When you have a captive audience which surpasses 200 million people, you’re bound to put out some quality films, especially when the films are financed by the audience being held captive.”

Best Picture: Burn

In a global community where all the countries are disconnected from one another and hatred continues to fuel the undercurrents of discrimination and racism, it takes a series of interconnected fires to bring the world together to make one really big fire. The film captures the intricate nuances of the fires as they spread across various Iraqi locations and consume one culture at a time, as infrastructures topple over one another like a series of dilapidated dominoes. The characters seek atonement in the film, but the film ends with a new fire, indicating the fires have gone full circle and will continue to burn. The film’s 260 billion dollar budget has broken the previous record set by “World War II” and continues to grow exponentially. Producers and investors hope to recuperate costs after the fires are extinguished, when they can begin the merchandising phase of its campaign for profit.

Best Actor: Elijah Jorgensen, The bin Laden Tapes

L.A. born method actor Elijah Jorgensen does a masterful job playing Osama bin Laden in the series of tapes released by the State Department. Critics and linguistic experts across the globe agree that Jorgensen has effectively captured all of bin Laden’s nuances, speech patterns, and facial tics. When asked what he felt about playing the evilest man in the world, Jorgensen responded, “In the world of acting, you don’t always get to pick your roles. Sometimes your roles pick you, and I feel blessed the State Department picked me to play their poster boy for evil and perpetual scapegoat in the ‘War on Terror’.”

Best Actress: Laura Bush, The Constant Stepford Wife

Laura Bush’s performance is phenomenal in the sense that it’s withstood the tests of time. Paying homage to the “Stepford Wives” role, not once has Laura stepped out of her robotic demeanor, which in turn is a true testament to the loyalty she’s ascribed to this role. With cameras zoomed in on her every move, Laura has redefined method acting as she eloquently maintains her robotic composure on and off the set. Her perpetual smile, empty stare, robotic gestures, and unyielding devotion and loyalty to her husband have left audiences wondering if Laura is indeed real. Laura accredits her southern upbringing for her success, “Growing up in the south, I was conditioned early on as to what it means to be a lady, and this conditioning has helped me land the perfect role.”

Best Supporting Actor: Jack Abramoff, Hustle and Flo'

Abramoff’s performance has stirred both controversy and fear among the rank-and-file Hos of the political world, garnering him the nickname “Political Pimp”. Jack’s support of the Republican Party has been unprecedented in film history, and his threat of “naming names” resurrects fond memories of McCarthyism. Bilking the Native Americans of money has been an American pastime since it was conceived, but hustling inevitably hit a lull when there was nothing left to bilk. But thanks to the rise of the gambling industry on reservations, Abramoff was able to step into the scene and exploit Native Americans, shifting the flow of dough to the back pockets of his stable o’ bitches in the Political Ho House.

Best Supporting Actress: Martha Alito, The Crying Game

Martha’s scripted display of waterworks and subsequent exeunt at Judge Alito’s Confirmation Hearings not only helped her husband garner a seat on the highest court of the land, but elicited an unprecedented number of apologies from senators, including Senator Lindsey Graham whose “closet bigot” comment cued the waterfalls. The Crying Game splashed the headlines of most of the major newspapers the following day, serving as a pivotal distraction to the public from the meaty issues that would make them cry. Bravo, Matha! Bravo!!

Best Director: Donald Rumsfeld, Burn

Despite the opposition of critics who contend anyone could’ve won the Idler for best director if he/she had been given the same budget Rumsfeld had at his disposal. Rumsfeld managed to rise from the ashes and take home this year’s Idler award for best director.

Director Donald Rumsfeld scouting Bahgdad locations to shoot his film, Burn

Original Screenplay: Burn

The screenplay for Burn broke all the rules of Hollywood screenwriting, relying primarily on improvisation and on-the-set script changes. Rumsfeld contends he had no idea where the script was headed before he began shooting his film. “I came in with a basic treatment, knowing that I could experiment on the set and let the shooting guide the script,” said Rumself when contacted about his Idler award. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised the script won an Idler for best screenplay, especially since the script has no ending. You may find this hard to believe, but I never even considered any possible endings before we began shooting.”

Director Rumsfeld informs Burn cast about script changes and recent cuts in costume budget.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

“Witsend Daily” Editor Sacrifices Bush for Lent

From Witsend Daily – On Ash Wednesday, “Witsend Daily” Managing Editor, T.M. Lindsey, dramatically announced he was giving up satirizing President Bush for the Lenten period of 40 days (44 including Sundays). Lindsey emerged from his office with ashen smudged across his forehead, mounted his secretary’s desk, and made the proclamation to the “Witsend Daily” staff, “Dearest colleagues, for too long I have binged on the infinite flaws of President Bush, who inevitably has become my satiric crutch. Whenever my satiric muse is stifled, I know I can turn to the President for salvation and wait for Him to speak, his words stoking the satiric fire. But no more; for I must retreat to the woods and purge my creative soul before my crutch consumes me.”

Dumbfounded by the proclamation, the “Witsend Daily” staff dropped everything and focused their collective energy on their boss’s proclamation. To honor Lindsey’s sacrifice, the staff created the “Bush-O-Meter,” counting down the days of the Lenten period and number of days T.M. Lindsey has gone without satirizing President Bush. (see sidebar)

Furthermore, the staff decided to get a pulse on what other members inside and outside the Witsend community were “giving up” for Lent:

Elijah T. Lindsey (“The Rev”), Reverend and C.E.O. of the Witsend Church for the Disenfranchised Souls, Inc.: “A perquisite of my higher calling demands that I don’t give up on anything and anyone. My brethren are made up of people who gave up, or who were given up on, so it’s essential I model this protocol.”

Karl Rove, White House Chief of Staff: “I’ve decided to give up my obsession with Hillary Rodham Clinton. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. When I should be thinking about how I can spread the fear of terrorists and homosexuals and how they’re destroying our way of life, all I can think of is Hillary dressed in a black mini skirt, hovering over me and talking down to me like a child, ‘Now Karl, there has to be another means of releasing your pent-up sexual idolatries.’ To honor the occasion, I tore down all of the Hillary Clinton pinups in my bedroom and quit sending her fan letters under the pseudonym, Johnny Walker, requesting her to send me an autographed picture of her in a red nightie.”

Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Guitar and front man for the Catholic Rock Group, “The Genuflectors”: “I’ve decided to give up sinning in general. Granted, I won’t have any good material to write songs about and risk losing touch with my Catholic Rock audience base, but maybe abstaining from sin might help give me a new mental slate. You know, something like a creative enema.”

Art Radley, Witsend’s Residential Conspiracy Theorist and alleged writer of syndicated column, “Behind the Venetian Blinds”: “Lent Schment. The Catholic Church has been using Lent to fuel the guilt machine, fuels the Sunday coiffeurs (notice that’s why Sundays don’t count as part of Lent: "cha ching!"), which keeps the Catholicism machine running. Name me five Catholics who actually withdrew into the woods and imitated the life of Jesus for 44 days, and I’ll name you five horny Catholics.”

Anonymous Pre-Seminary Student at Witsend Seminary Prep School: “I’m giving up all thoughts of homosexuality and any thought of a sexual nature that may serve as a gateway thought to homosexual thoughts.”

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Witsend Here’s Index for February 2006

Number of standing ovations during President Bush’s State of the Union Address: 31

Percentage of people at State of the Union Address who thought they were at a Catholic wedding: 62

Number of times Bush winked at Rex, thus acknowledging the Bomb-Sniffing Dog’s presence at the State of the Union Address: 2

Number of times Bush acknowledged God at His address: 1

Number of jokes Bush told during the State of the Union Address: 1

Number of jokes that bombed during the Address: 2

Number of times Senators probed Judge Alito during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings: 864

Number of times Senators apologized for extraneous probing: 0

Number of times Alito’s wife cried and had to excuse herself from the hearings: 1

Number of times during the hearings Senators apologized for making Alito’s wife cry and leave the hearings: 312

Estimated number of people who watched the Super Bowl: 90.7 million

Percentage of people who said they only watched the Super Bowl for the ads: 73

Percentage of people who said the only reason they watched the Super Bowl was a fear they might miss seeing
Mick Jagger’s nipple: 22

Cost per second to run an ad during the
Super Bowl: 2.4 million

Cost of entire marketing budget of Witsend Here since
its inception: $0.00

Estimated cost of war in Iraq since its inception: $244,225,450,000

Estimated cost of hiring 4,232,458 additional public school teachers for one year: $244,225,450,000

Percentage of voting-age Americans who thought the occupation in Iraq ended on 5/1/03 when President Bush announced “Mission Accomplished”: 52

Percentage of voting-age Americans who tuned in to the latest episode of “American Idol”: 64

Number of American military casualties since “Mission Accomplished”: 2159

Number of Americans wounded in Iraq War since it began: 16,742

Number of times the Commander in Chief took full responsibility for those wounded in Iraq War: 0

Number of hunters wounded by the Vice President while protecting “our way of life” from despotic quail: 1

Number of times the Vice President took full responsibility for those wounded during the Quail Crusade: 1
This is Witsned Here’s Index for Feruary 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of , which is part of Witsend Daily, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.